What exactly am I supposed to be doing?

[ReluctantMistress]

We don't know much about his own thoughts on how he expected this to work. Would it be possible to ask him to write up a list or something, explaining why he wants to be locked, what he expects from it, and what he expects from you? I'm sure we can help you turn that into something mutually compatible.

I can ask him to do that. He was supposed to be keeping a journal this month anyway, but that didn’t really happen except for a few days. Partly because of outside obligations and partly because I responded to something he wrote, his feelings got hurt and he quit. I didn’t ask him keep the journal anyway, it was his idea. So it’s fine that he stopped if he didn’t want to do it anymore.

But I can certainly try to ask for a list as you suggest.

[Tom Allen]

A journal is good for both of you, because it helps him coect his thoughts and allows you to read them coherently. Mrs Edge asked me to do that back in the early days.

I think seeing a list of his expectations spelled out might help us get a handle on what is workable and what is just fantasy

[denied_one]

Please do not let anyone tell you that you are having quote-unquote, obligation sex.

I absolutely detest that term, and I've seen it used long before here and in other places than here

My KH/Wife says that She has never ever had "obligation sex" with me and that is per Her own words, just as you describe here.

Just because some other users spouses may have indicated to them in some grand "final sexual revelation from over the years" that a good amount of their sex has been out of some "martial duty" doesn't mean that is everyone at all

"Obligation sex" isn't always a "thing " and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

I will die on that hill

[ReluctantMistress]

Hello Miss. I suspect fellow keyholders are much better positioned to respond.

I can only offer that I do think my wife agrees to go along with my chastity because I do not orgasm in chastity. A caged orgasm is not a good experience for me. As a result when locked I focus more on being a better partner through all of life, such as more attentive to her physical emotional and intimacy desires. I also stay in a state of readiness for when she needs her man. I’m not a sissy or subservient type. I’m a locked man kept charged and ready for her needs. I want to be fully ready with energy and mental focus. So this helps me.

When unlocked I am a lot more self absorbed with my own selfish wants (not needs).

She now has the say when I can orgasm. It’s darn near impossible for me to follow her orgasm instructions without a cage. All of the tasks and cleaning and other fantasy of chastity was just a distraction to us finding what works for a little sexy play and real world benefits. I don’t think we are very normal though. Just what works. Best of luck.

It’s okay to not be into this kink. If he love you he will drop it and you can work together to find what’s a good couples play activity.

I asked the keyholder forum. Trust me, it made it worse. You gentlemen are much more helpful. I appreciate it all very much.

[Tongue+groove]

This may be lengthy but I challenge you to get to the end.

In my beginning days I kept a journal to see if my mental state really changed or not. It’s eventually what caused me to find this place. My wife never cared to read it. One day I asked her to, she only got confused by it.

My wife is like yourself. Raised ultra conservative, her duties as a woman where to take care of others before herself. She feels guilty when I dote on her and treat her as a queen. It has taken a year for her to only begin to adjust. I had to learn to shut up and be patient with her. She in return has learned to enjoy my attentiveness to her. This has been a big step for two people who have had 40 years of great intimacy.

My curiosity is how did he find out about chastity? Was it through some fantasy avenue or something more realistic? This is where Tom’s recommendation of a list may help. If you were to ask him for resources for you to research what would he provide you? Here again would it be some fantasy material or something more realistic?

A little more FWIW that you didn’t ask for. this morning she is fixing my breakfast while I post. Then I will be helping her with cleaning a floor, something extra that I committed to doing for her that she has yielded to me. It helps me feel warm and fuzzy inside, dont know why. Then I’m headed to an electric job, coming home at noon, she will have lunch ready, then I’m headed out to fix fence from an ice storm. I will be dog sitting so she can go see some friends. This evening after supper we will play a game or work a puzzle and eventually snuggle in bed. Sex? Who knows? I don’t expect it because she has learned to not provide obligatory sex anymore. And this will be a great day because she let me dote on her by cleaning a floor. I’m also still the tough guy she wants in her life.

I’m sorry she doesn’t post here. I think she could help you a lot. Sorry but it’s being pushy if I ask her to read and post.

Hopefully my input will help you realize you’re not alone and nothing earth shattering will happen overnight.

Ok so I saved the previous as a draft and did floors with her. I took a chance and asked her what would she tell herself if she could talk to her self year ago. Her response in her words:

This is a bit different and unexpected. Be patient. And realize this will be the best gift he will ever give you.

Then I mentioned that she said nothing about obligation sex. Her response again as verbatim as I can remember:

Oh that, yeah I got over that long ago. And thanks for doing the floor it gave me time to clean the stove. Oh, my look at those glass cabinet panes. Now I can do those today.

Notice one small nonchalant comment about sex and 2 detailed comments about housework.

Around here we use the ‘kiss’ method: ‘ keep it simple silly’

[denied_one]

Also I've seen not one Woman here offer advice...all men...hmmm

[ReluctantMistress]

Also I've seen not one Woman here offer advice...all men...hmmm

I did ask over in the keyholder forum. There are very few women to begin with, and the reply I got made me feel worse about it not better. I imagine these forums are mostly men, which is fine. As I mentioned to someone earlier these replies have all been extremely helpful, and that’s all that really matters.

[denied_one]

Also I've seen not one Woman here offer advice...all men...hmmm

I did ask over in the keyholder forum. There are very few women to begin with, and the reply I got made me feel worse about it not better. I imagine these forums are mostly men, which is fine. As I mentioned to someone earlier these replies have all been extremely helpful, and that’s all that really matters.

That is all that matters! Big facts!

[ReluctantMistress]

This may be lengthy but I challenge you to get to the end.

In my beginning days I kept a journal to see if my mental state really changed or not. It’s eventually what caused me to find this place. My wife never cared to read it. One day I asked her to, she only got confused by it.

My wife is like yourself. Raised ultra conservative, her duties as a woman where to take care of others before herself. She feels guilty when I dote on her and treat her as a queen. It has taken a year for her to only begin to adjust. I had to learn to shut up and be patient with her. She in return has learned to enjoy my attentiveness to her. This has been a big step for two people who have had 40 years of great intimacy.

My curiosity is how did he find out about chastity? Was it through some fantasy avenue or something more realistic? This is where Tom’s recommendation of a list may help. If you were to ask him for resources for you to research what would he provide you? Here again would it be some fantasy material or something more realistic?

A little more FWIW that you didn’t ask for. this morning she is fixing my breakfast while I post. Then I will be helping her with cleaning a floor, something extra that I committed to doing for her that she has yielded to me. It helps me feel warm and fuzzy inside, dont know why. Then I’m headed to an electric job, coming home at noon, she will have lunch ready, then I’m headed out to fix fence from an ice storm. I will be dog sitting so she can go see some friends. This evening after supper we will play a game or work a puzzle and eventually snuggle in bed. Sex? Who knows? I don’t expect it because she has learned to not provide obligatory sex anymore. And this will be a great day because she let me dote on her by cleaning a floor. I’m also still the tough guy she wants in her life.

I’m sorry she doesn’t post here. I think she could help you a lot. Sorry but it’s being pushy if I ask her to read and post.

Hopefully my input will help you realize you’re not alone and nothing earth shattering will happen overnight.

Ok so I saved the previous as a draft and did floors with her. I took a chance and asked her what would she tell herself if she could talk to her self year ago. Her response in her words:

This is a bit different and unexpected. Be patient. And realize this will be the best gift he will ever give you.

Then I mentioned that she said nothing about obligation sex. Her response again as verbatim as I can remember:

Oh that, yeah I got over that long ago. And thanks for doing the floor it gave me time to clean the stove. Oh, my look at those glass cabinet panes. Now I can do those today.

Notice one small nonchalant comment about sex and 2 detailed comments about housework.

Around here we use the ‘kiss’ method: ‘ keep it simple silly’

I had typed one reply to this, and I think it disappeared into the void. So I’m trying again. Sorry if two similar replies show up.

He learned about Chasity from a previous relationship. The woman he was in a relationship with was very different from me. She liked to project a certain image of wealth, power, and sexuality. None of that is who I am in any way. The relationship ended badly. The one thing he took from it was chastity play.

He has provided me with a number of resources. Most of them written by women. None of them are ridiculous or excessively fantastical. Nevertheless, I haven’t found any of them helpful except for one. Mostly they aren’t helpful because they sort of focus on the woman in the relationship asking for things or setting up certain expectations about how the household will run. And I am not that person. I am extremely self-sufficient. I will avoid asking for help until it is a life or death situation, and even then I will still try to do it myself. Having literally been through several life and death situations, I can attest that even in those cases, I will avoid asking for help at all costs. Inconveniencing someone else for something I can do myself, is not in my nature.

I recognize that in this particular situation that’s not a useful character trait. And I am actively working to accept more help and accept that he is coming into the relationship with the desire to be helpful not out of obligation or expectation of a “reward” but because he genuinely wants to be helpful.

[Chastityat60]

I would imagine there are several ways of doing most things. I would also contend that there are but a few ways to bring chastity into a relationship.
My quick story only shows how eager I was to bring Chastity into our marriage. By purchasing a device and allowing myself to build high hopes in expectations of my wife’s full acceptance and participation. Nope..didn’t happen…
I found myself trying to convince her how much fun it could be. She told me that she did not need another thing to manage i.e. being a keyholder and deciding when we should have sex.
So I have gone through phases of purchasing devices and re-introducing it, being rejected, , throwing it all away., 3x over the past 10 years..
my wife is 85% vanilla.. that 15% is crazy fun, but she just cannot accept the cage.not on any level..
Even when I was self locking for a time, she interpreted it as somehow I was not interested in her when in fact, I was aching for her and wanting her.
She would not play along with the game nor would she participate in my fantasy..
To be fair, she won’t tie me up either.. she just doesn’t like seeing me tied up. We have however discovered neoprene sleep sacks with internal sleeves.. and she will gladly zip me securely into 2 layers from which there is no escape without her. Both sacks have front zippers for play time but the internal sleeves do not allow me the liberty..
This relaxing time for me gives her play time if she wants it.. .. nothing stopping her..
on the other side…
She wants me to be the initiator of our intimate time.She loves the romance of her husband wanting her., wooing her, ..
She also knows without a doubt that she is free to say no whenever she likes. She will not participate in obligatory sex as I have heard mentioned earlier. She’s my perfectly lovely giving life partner. my wife… I would love for her to participate in chastity and some rope bondage. Maybe someday she may ask about it, but I have decided that my love and commitment to her is enough to keep me doing the things that I do(Even without a cage)
I have decided that for the foreseeable future I will not bring it up. Apparently, I have done it in all the wrong ways., And even though she knows, I would love to play this game, she also knows I will not keep asking her to do something either out of her comfort zone or against her core beliefs.. .
And even when I was self locking for several months, my behavior and my attentiveness towards my wife did not change. The key Hung in a discrete place where she knew full well my desire for her to take them and hide them in someway. Instead, it became a reminder of something that she did not want to do. So I have decided I do not want to try and change my wife regarding Chastity.
It may work for you, and I really hope it does if it is something you are both agreeable to. I only post this because you also deserve to not participate if you choose not to. If he loves you, he will respect that.
BTW.. There ARE other games … maybe you 2 can find another one that works for you both..
Ps: I wish I had the information on this site before I ever
purchased my first device and so clumsily tried to Incorporate it into our already wonderful marriage ..