I am trying to navigate the chastity situation and failing. I was asked to be keyholder for my partner and we play with it off and on. I am DEEPLY uncomfortable. I thought my feelings about it would improve over time, but they have only gotten worse. We are middle-aged and have both had previous relationships that failed for one reason or another. I have only ever wanted a partner. A true partner. One who will look around, see what needs doing and do it. One is interested in me and asks me questions and wants my opinions. One who finds me attractive not because I play a “role” or hold a literal key, but because I’m attractive to them. I thought I had all of that, but the key holding thing is killing me. In my previous relationship my (then) husband wasn’t remotely interested in sex with me, though he was interested in online porn and cross dressing for sexual pleasure.
Am I only attractive because I have this stupid key? Is that my only value in this relationship? If I ceased to “play” entirely what would happen? I do NOT want to hurt him. He would probably be hurt by this post, actually. But I don’t know what else to do.
I am not what you would call “vanilla” and am willing to do and have done many…unusual…things in the bedroom. For some reason the psychology of this particular thing is not easy for me. I really struggle with it, and have a very difficult time explaining WHY it’s so difficult for me to my partner, which makes him frustrated and upset. He says he only wants me to be happy, and to please me, which is great except that if the only reason he wants that, is in exchange for me locking up his dick, I don’t want that kind of relationship.And now, the two things (his chastity and his desire to make me happy) are inextricably intertwined, and I cannot separate them in my head.
I have a terrible time with sexual intimacy as a “reward”. That feels like coercion to me, even if it is not. I feel he is being coerced into “pleasing me” not out of altruism or love, but only because of the chastity game, and I feel I am being coerced into giving him a sexual reward for stuff grown adults who love each just do for each other. Like housework. And dinner. It all FEELS gross, even if it is entirely consensual.
Any advice is appreciated.
What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
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ReluctantMistress
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Tom Allen
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
First of all, sit down, have a glass of wine, and try not to stress. You are not alone.
There are a few things to address here, so let's break them up.
Try to understand that a lot of men harbor sexual fantasies. Male chastity and denial is a fairly mild one. Unfortunately, a LOT of the information about it out there is really really stupid. However, when some men start reading it, the blood leaves their big brain and they start thinking with the little one. Far too many websites tell men that their partners will be excited about locking them up because they (the women) can get the dishes and laundry done in return for a little sexual teasing.
For the men, it sounds great. They do not understand that it sounds transactional and very un-sexy.
"Darling, if you lock my dick in a cage, I'll do more chores."
"You jerk, why aren't you doing more chores now?"
Next: it can feel unfair and unequitble if he's locked and giving you sexual attention. Even if he is just being affectionate, it feels like he's only that way because he is horny. That's not wrong but it's also not how *he* thinks of it.
Also, the domme thing. It seems as if this only works because he wants you to do a lot of work assigning chores, punishments, schedules, and on top of that he wants you to enjoy it as much as he is.
It does not have to be this way. What he really wants is for you to be attracted to him and have some sexy fun. He just has no idea how to get there. Worse, he has told you all the worst aspects, and not given you the opportunity to explore for yourself.
We'll look at how to make this less work and less ridiculous. Seriously, this can be fun. A lot of people here z men and women can attest to it.
There are a few things to address here, so let's break them up.
Try to understand that a lot of men harbor sexual fantasies. Male chastity and denial is a fairly mild one. Unfortunately, a LOT of the information about it out there is really really stupid. However, when some men start reading it, the blood leaves their big brain and they start thinking with the little one. Far too many websites tell men that their partners will be excited about locking them up because they (the women) can get the dishes and laundry done in return for a little sexual teasing.
For the men, it sounds great. They do not understand that it sounds transactional and very un-sexy.
"Darling, if you lock my dick in a cage, I'll do more chores."
"You jerk, why aren't you doing more chores now?"
Next: it can feel unfair and unequitble if he's locked and giving you sexual attention. Even if he is just being affectionate, it feels like he's only that way because he is horny. That's not wrong but it's also not how *he* thinks of it.
Also, the domme thing. It seems as if this only works because he wants you to do a lot of work assigning chores, punishments, schedules, and on top of that he wants you to enjoy it as much as he is.
It does not have to be this way. What he really wants is for you to be attracted to him and have some sexy fun. He just has no idea how to get there. Worse, he has told you all the worst aspects, and not given you the opportunity to explore for yourself.
We'll look at how to make this less work and less ridiculous. Seriously, this can be fun. A lot of people here z men and women can attest to it.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Denial Permanente
The Edge of Vanilla
Denial Permanente
Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
"He would probably be hurt by this post"
"Which makes him frustrated and upset"
What's worrying you about the situation isn't the chastity. Think about it like this. There are little nervous yappy dogs like chihuahuas that are always stressing out. You need to calm them down all the time. Then there are big confident dogs like German shepherds. You feel safer and stronger when you're around them. Your guy is asking you for chastity and you think that's what's wrong but chastity is like a dog's leash. Even the German shepherd gets leashed. The problem is that your guy is sometimes acting like the chihuahua.
Now your into him so he's cool but he doesn't understand what you want. Like if you're going to a restaurant he'll keep asking where you want to go. He thinks it comes off as helpful but it comes off as desperate. What you usually want is him to pick a place. Then if you don't like it you'll say so.
What you sound like you want is for him to be competent and in charge. Like you own the place but he's your manager who runs stuff. If you don't like what's going on you tell or ask him to stop but most of the time he's good at his job and he does it without your feedback.
He thinks you're stressed out by chores and stuff and that if he does those you'll be happy. He thinks you want a servant to boss around. Chastity caps are like that.
Tell him you want him to be confident. Tell him you get unhappy when you see him frustrated. Tell him you don't like when he's desperate to please. Most men can be like this when they try. Ask him to be strong for you like a German shepherd not yappy and stressed out like a little dog.
Then keep him locked most of the time but otherwise have your normal sex life. No transactions. But on a couple random days tell him he doesn't get sex. Be unpredictable. Be a little mean. Unlock him say you changed your mind and lock him back up. You don't have to do much.
That make sense?
"Which makes him frustrated and upset"
What's worrying you about the situation isn't the chastity. Think about it like this. There are little nervous yappy dogs like chihuahuas that are always stressing out. You need to calm them down all the time. Then there are big confident dogs like German shepherds. You feel safer and stronger when you're around them. Your guy is asking you for chastity and you think that's what's wrong but chastity is like a dog's leash. Even the German shepherd gets leashed. The problem is that your guy is sometimes acting like the chihuahua.
Now your into him so he's cool but he doesn't understand what you want. Like if you're going to a restaurant he'll keep asking where you want to go. He thinks it comes off as helpful but it comes off as desperate. What you usually want is him to pick a place. Then if you don't like it you'll say so.
What you sound like you want is for him to be competent and in charge. Like you own the place but he's your manager who runs stuff. If you don't like what's going on you tell or ask him to stop but most of the time he's good at his job and he does it without your feedback.
He thinks you're stressed out by chores and stuff and that if he does those you'll be happy. He thinks you want a servant to boss around. Chastity caps are like that.
Tell him you want him to be confident. Tell him you get unhappy when you see him frustrated. Tell him you don't like when he's desperate to please. Most men can be like this when they try. Ask him to be strong for you like a German shepherd not yappy and stressed out like a little dog.
Then keep him locked most of the time but otherwise have your normal sex life. No transactions. But on a couple random days tell him he doesn't get sex. Be unpredictable. Be a little mean. Unlock him say you changed your mind and lock him back up. You don't have to do much.
That make sense?
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Tom Allen
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
Let's help you get control of the situation, one thing at a time.
This is where you get to sit him down and explain your rules to him. For example, explain that you are not going to assign him chores, and especially will not punish him for missed chores; instead, you expect him as a grown-ass adult to just do the damn chores that need doing. Period. The chores will have no bearing on the chastiry or sexual thing.
Also, horny guys will talk about their dicks all day if you let them. That's why another rule might be that he has, say, 10 minutes a day (or a week) to talk about how horny he is, or whatever. Acknowledge his emotions, but you do not need to commit to anything. Point out that his fantasy is to turn over control of his sexual pleasure. That means he does not get immediate gratification.
Now, about the teasing thing. What he wants is acknowledgment that you know he is horny, and that you have the power to ramp that up if you want. He's hoping that you will grab his cage, tell him "Not today" or "You'll have to wait until I say so." It's up to you, but consider that these are small actions and will go a long way. A lot of guys are hoping to be unlocked so their partner will play with them, and either allow a release, or put it back without one. That becomes a chore, and it's up to you to determine what playtime looks like.
For example, once or twice a day, my wife just grabs my cage through my pants and says "Just checking." That's it. Not much, but it lets me know she's still interested
Finally, be clear that sexual intimacy is not a reward. It's a way for a couple to feel intimate and connected. You will unlock him when you feel like or leave him locked. I can tell you that it would be amazingly hot for him to be intimate without unlocking him. But again, make it clear that this will be up to you.
It will take you some time to figure out what you like or don't like, and perhaps you will determine how you would like to move forward.
That's all for now but I'm sure others will chime in.
First, he is still attracted to you. Being locked doesn't create new feelings, but enhances what is there by feeding back sexual energy into his emotions.I have only ever wanted a partner. A true partner. One who will look around, see what needs doing and do it. One is interested in me and asks me questions and wants my opinions. One who finds me attractive not because I play a “role” or hold a literal key, but because I’m attractive to them.
This is where you get to sit him down and explain your rules to him. For example, explain that you are not going to assign him chores, and especially will not punish him for missed chores; instead, you expect him as a grown-ass adult to just do the damn chores that need doing. Period. The chores will have no bearing on the chastiry or sexual thing.
Also, horny guys will talk about their dicks all day if you let them. That's why another rule might be that he has, say, 10 minutes a day (or a week) to talk about how horny he is, or whatever. Acknowledge his emotions, but you do not need to commit to anything. Point out that his fantasy is to turn over control of his sexual pleasure. That means he does not get immediate gratification.
Now, about the teasing thing. What he wants is acknowledgment that you know he is horny, and that you have the power to ramp that up if you want. He's hoping that you will grab his cage, tell him "Not today" or "You'll have to wait until I say so." It's up to you, but consider that these are small actions and will go a long way. A lot of guys are hoping to be unlocked so their partner will play with them, and either allow a release, or put it back without one. That becomes a chore, and it's up to you to determine what playtime looks like.
For example, once or twice a day, my wife just grabs my cage through my pants and says "Just checking." That's it. Not much, but it lets me know she's still interested
Finally, be clear that sexual intimacy is not a reward. It's a way for a couple to feel intimate and connected. You will unlock him when you feel like or leave him locked. I can tell you that it would be amazingly hot for him to be intimate without unlocking him. But again, make it clear that this will be up to you.
It will take you some time to figure out what you like or don't like, and perhaps you will determine how you would like to move forward.
That's all for now but I'm sure others will chime in.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Denial Permanente
The Edge of Vanilla
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ReluctantMistress
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
Thank you. That’s very helpful information. I appreciate the time you took to explain it.
I struggle with the “teasing” aspect as well. Not only do I not do it well, my guy is neurodivergent and doesn’t pick up verbal cues that I think are clear as a bell. As an added bonus, I am a people pleaser to the extreme, which can be very unhealthy for me. And I’m deeply empathetic as well. So, the result is, I feel like I’m being unkind if I “tease”, and at least half the time he doesn’t even get that I’m teasing. I don’t like to be unkind, and I don’t like that he doesn’t “get” it when I am teasing. It makes me feel bad. So I don’t do it. Then he, of course, tells me he wishes I would tease him more. It’s giant circle of doom. But your physical contact suggestion of grabbing the cage might work.
Again thank you very much. All your insight is greatly appreciated and very helpful.
I struggle with the “teasing” aspect as well. Not only do I not do it well, my guy is neurodivergent and doesn’t pick up verbal cues that I think are clear as a bell. As an added bonus, I am a people pleaser to the extreme, which can be very unhealthy for me. And I’m deeply empathetic as well. So, the result is, I feel like I’m being unkind if I “tease”, and at least half the time he doesn’t even get that I’m teasing. I don’t like to be unkind, and I don’t like that he doesn’t “get” it when I am teasing. It makes me feel bad. So I don’t do it. Then he, of course, tells me he wishes I would tease him more. It’s giant circle of doom. But your physical contact suggestion of grabbing the cage might work.
Again thank you very much. All your insight is greatly appreciated and very helpful.
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Curiousrk
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
Hello Miss. I suspect fellow keyholders are much better positioned to respond.
I can only offer that I do think my wife agrees to go along with my chastity because I do not orgasm in chastity. A caged orgasm is not a good experience for me. As a result when locked I focus more on being a better partner through all of life, such as more attentive to her physical emotional and intimacy desires. I also stay in a state of readiness for when she needs her man. I’m not a sissy or subservient type. I’m a locked man kept charged and ready for her needs. I want to be fully ready with energy and mental focus. So this helps me.
When unlocked I am a lot more self absorbed with my own selfish wants (not needs).
She now has the say when I can orgasm. It’s darn near impossible for me to follow her orgasm instructions without a cage. All of the tasks and cleaning and other fantasy of chastity was just a distraction to us finding what works for a little sexy play and real world benefits. I don’t think we are very normal though. Just what works. Best of luck.
It’s okay to not be into this kink. If he love you he will drop it and you can work together to find what’s a good couples play activity.
I can only offer that I do think my wife agrees to go along with my chastity because I do not orgasm in chastity. A caged orgasm is not a good experience for me. As a result when locked I focus more on being a better partner through all of life, such as more attentive to her physical emotional and intimacy desires. I also stay in a state of readiness for when she needs her man. I’m not a sissy or subservient type. I’m a locked man kept charged and ready for her needs. I want to be fully ready with energy and mental focus. So this helps me.
When unlocked I am a lot more self absorbed with my own selfish wants (not needs).
She now has the say when I can orgasm. It’s darn near impossible for me to follow her orgasm instructions without a cage. All of the tasks and cleaning and other fantasy of chastity was just a distraction to us finding what works for a little sexy play and real world benefits. I don’t think we are very normal though. Just what works. Best of luck.
It’s okay to not be into this kink. If he love you he will drop it and you can work together to find what’s a good couples play activity.
MM Jail Bird 11 months straight until January 5. Now it is locked in HOD S160 small as “requested”. It’s…. Different.
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Tongue+groove
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
That’s called topping from the bottom and should not be permitted by you if he truly wants what he thinks he wants. He may need to be left locked and forgotten while you investigate this dynamic.. Then he, of course, tells me he wishes I would tease him more.
As Tom Allen said stop and breathe for a moment. My wife and I did several off and on trial runs in the beginning. You might consider something similar.
By all means don’t let him tell you how to act as a keyholder, that is cardinal sin number one. You just be yourself and let the chips fall. Give it time it won’t happen overnight. If you give it time you have good odds that it will work in your favor.
She says ‘it’s cute’ in the nub. 
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Mr Pickle
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
Log.
Gosh. I might have more questions than answers.
This sounds like the exact opposite to how it is suposed to be.
The cage isn't meant to be a tool or a way for getting sex? And you should feel under no preasure or obligation at all.
The most basic principle behind this chastity lifestyle is that you no longer feel obligated in any way.
Obligation sex is a couple killer and has been discussed many times in the forums.
If you decide to chuck the key back at him i wouldn't blame you, but first you may want to have a big and serious chat.
It is great that you want to make your partner happy but not at this cost.
If you both play this the correct way it can be really beneficial, but the only one who can make it work is him.
He has to do the hard work, learn to control his urges, deal with the frustratuion and be a better persin all at the same time. Otherwise whats in it for you?
Explain the obviouse. That more sex does not mean more happy.
Whatever it is you are both doing. This is not working.
Ok. You are not dominant. That is normal. He wants sex as a reward. That is normal but if he is caged it is wrong.
IT HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU!
If he can not find a way to make you feel that there are no expectations from you at all it will not work.
The reason for this is. Eventually without expectation you will offer him something because you genuinely want to. For your own reasons. Or you will keep him locked because you want to.
He will adore you not because he is caged but because he adores you in the way you desrve to be adored.
It isnt really about the cage at all. Try not to see the cage as anything other than something he is wearing or just a symbol of comitment. A medal even. If he isnt doing his bit take his medal away.
Stop playing his game and try to think selfish. The rest should fall into place in time. Confidence doesn't always come easy. Especially if you have a partner constantly telling you you're doing it wrong or how to do it. Or nagging like a big kid who wants a biscuit.
My way or the highway is the only system that works.
Now I have said this many times and will say again.
This kink isn't worth losing a loving partner for, and no man has ever made a woman happy by driving her away with promises of happyness.
It sounds like somebody may be trying too hard, or pushing too hard, or wanting something too much or trying to teach or manipulate somebody into somebody they are not.
Anybody reading threads on this forum that took the time to concentrate on the begining rather that 'the good stuff' that eventually arrives will know the golden rule.
Do Not Push. This takes time. Years to get used to and it comes in bits.
Now I love my wife. I would be happy to shout it out or sing it from the roof tops. She is absolutely incredible.
I dont love her "More" because she is my keyholder. That would be imposible.
But this what we do helps me to realise why I love her so much and for so many reasons.
And. Yes. It does make me happy and I do belive I am a better person all round because of it and because of her.
I have just ask C. She says "I am very happy thank you".
So am I, even though I have been locked since new year and wont orgasm unti mid febuary at the earliest. C is under no preasure to do anything she doesnt want to, which is why it means so much when she does.
That was not always the case.
We got there eventually at her pace, in her way.
So. Would you be willing to hold the key and keep him locked if he did not ask or make you feel indebted for it? If he gave you space to breath?
Would he be willing to remain locked for a couple of weeks, help around the house and promise not to expect anything in return?
Being locked and frustrated is a reward afterall.
Would you be happy if he stopped asking, expecting, wanting and hinting?
Is there a way you can imagine where this might work?
Like tom says "Try not to stress" and tell him he has to calm down.
It was very good of you to reach out.
Well done.
Gosh. I might have more questions than answers.
This sounds like the exact opposite to how it is suposed to be.
The cage isn't meant to be a tool or a way for getting sex? And you should feel under no preasure or obligation at all.
The most basic principle behind this chastity lifestyle is that you no longer feel obligated in any way.
Obligation sex is a couple killer and has been discussed many times in the forums.
If you decide to chuck the key back at him i wouldn't blame you, but first you may want to have a big and serious chat.
It is great that you want to make your partner happy but not at this cost.
If you both play this the correct way it can be really beneficial, but the only one who can make it work is him.
He has to do the hard work, learn to control his urges, deal with the frustratuion and be a better persin all at the same time. Otherwise whats in it for you?
Explain the obviouse. That more sex does not mean more happy.
Whatever it is you are both doing. This is not working.
Ok. You are not dominant. That is normal. He wants sex as a reward. That is normal but if he is caged it is wrong.
IT HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU!
If he can not find a way to make you feel that there are no expectations from you at all it will not work.
The reason for this is. Eventually without expectation you will offer him something because you genuinely want to. For your own reasons. Or you will keep him locked because you want to.
He will adore you not because he is caged but because he adores you in the way you desrve to be adored.
It isnt really about the cage at all. Try not to see the cage as anything other than something he is wearing or just a symbol of comitment. A medal even. If he isnt doing his bit take his medal away.
Stop playing his game and try to think selfish. The rest should fall into place in time. Confidence doesn't always come easy. Especially if you have a partner constantly telling you you're doing it wrong or how to do it. Or nagging like a big kid who wants a biscuit.
My way or the highway is the only system that works.
Now I have said this many times and will say again.
This kink isn't worth losing a loving partner for, and no man has ever made a woman happy by driving her away with promises of happyness.
It sounds like somebody may be trying too hard, or pushing too hard, or wanting something too much or trying to teach or manipulate somebody into somebody they are not.
Anybody reading threads on this forum that took the time to concentrate on the begining rather that 'the good stuff' that eventually arrives will know the golden rule.
Do Not Push. This takes time. Years to get used to and it comes in bits.
Now I love my wife. I would be happy to shout it out or sing it from the roof tops. She is absolutely incredible.
I dont love her "More" because she is my keyholder. That would be imposible.
But this what we do helps me to realise why I love her so much and for so many reasons.
And. Yes. It does make me happy and I do belive I am a better person all round because of it and because of her.
I have just ask C. She says "I am very happy thank you".
So am I, even though I have been locked since new year and wont orgasm unti mid febuary at the earliest. C is under no preasure to do anything she doesnt want to, which is why it means so much when she does.
That was not always the case.
We got there eventually at her pace, in her way.
So. Would you be willing to hold the key and keep him locked if he did not ask or make you feel indebted for it? If he gave you space to breath?
Would he be willing to remain locked for a couple of weeks, help around the house and promise not to expect anything in return?
Being locked and frustrated is a reward afterall.
Would you be happy if he stopped asking, expecting, wanting and hinting?
Is there a way you can imagine where this might work?
Like tom says "Try not to stress" and tell him he has to calm down.
It was very good of you to reach out.
Well done.
Me. "I only got 30 seconds, that's not fair". C. "life's not fair, suck it up" 
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Tom Allen
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
@ReluctantMistress Also, keep on mind that as the lads jump in to offer their opinions, it will seem confusing because [strike] they are too horny to think straight [/strike] every couple plays this a different way. Some couples unlock quite often for intimacy. Others will unlock rarely, while still having intimacy. We do have some people here who seem to be more chore-focused with regard to releases. We have some here in which he is locked long term, chores or not.
We don't know much about his own thoughts on how he expected this to work. Would it be possible to ask him to write up a list or something, explaining why he wants to be locked, what he expects from it, and what he expects from you? I'm sure we can help you turn that into something mutually compatible.
We don't know much about his own thoughts on how he expected this to work. Would it be possible to ask him to write up a list or something, explaining why he wants to be locked, what he expects from it, and what he expects from you? I'm sure we can help you turn that into something mutually compatible.
Tom Allen
The Edge of Vanilla
Denial Permanente
The Edge of Vanilla
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ReluctantMistress
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Re: What exactly am I supposed to be doing?
Thank you. All this is very helpful as well. Part of the difficulty is that I “feel” the cage is a tool for getting sex. Even though he says it isn’t. And he says I’m supposed to just be me, but I don’t “feel” like I’m supposed to just be me. So part of this is my psychological makeup.Mr Pickle wrote: ↑Mon Jan 27, 2025 4:27 am Log.
The cage isn't meant to be a tool or a way for getting sex? And you should feel under no preasure or obligation at all.
The most basic principle behind this chastity lifestyle is that you no longer feel obligated in any way.
Obligation sex is a couple killer and has been discussed many times in the forums.
Stop playing his game and try to think selfish.
We had plenty of really good sex before all of this. I didn’t feel obligated. I genuinely love him and I love having sex with him. And he knows that. So it’s not as though he was starved in the bedroom. So without the cage, I don’t feel obligated, but with it, I do.
As to thinking selfish, my partner told me that too and all I can say is….HAHAHA…not within my ability. Never been that person. I was raised in house where others always came first. My parents literally started a national food salvage organization to feed the poor of this country. Selfish is not in my vocabulary really.
We do things for people, and care for people, because we love them whether they have earned that love or not.
Anyway, again, I really appreciate the support and information. It is all extremely helpful. And I’m sure we can find a way to make it work, with time.