Keyholder Interest/Motives

[DevotedHubby]

OK, newbie here, so go lightly on me if I am breaching any protocols, but this perennial question compels me. I know that the chastity experience is different for everyone and despite many overlapping themes or commonalities (I'm thinking Wittgensteinian family resemblances for any philosophers among us), ultimately, we all have our own idiosyncratic tastes, motives, desires, etc. I also know that not all of our own tastes, desires, motives may even be known to ourselves - knowing thyself is a lifelong process. Nonetheless, I am keenly interested to learn more about the subjective experience of this game/practice/lifestyle from the perspective of the keyholders out there.

So, I would love to hear some reflections from the keyholders among us or from the chaste among us that have some insight into our keyholders' perspective. Here are some sample questions to get the ball rolling, but feel free to respond as you will, of course: What enjoyment do you derive from your role in and practice of this game/activity/lifestyle? Who initiated it? If the KH initiated, how did you convince him? If the chastened initiated, what was your initial reaction? How did your reaction change over time? What benefits do you enjoy as a result of this practice? Are there any aspects of the practice that you do not enjoy? To what extent is your enjoyment of the practice derivative of the enjoyment you understand that your chastened derives from it and to what extent do you authentically and independently enjoy the practice? Why? (BTW, I'm using "keyholder" in the more generic sense, even if you, like my wife and I at present, use the honor system, rather than a keyed/locked device).

I'm sure the answers to these will be as diverse as there are respondents, but I look forward to seeing your responses (that is, if anyone will indulge me).

Cheers!

[Tom Allen]

My wife and I have been playing with this on and off for close to 10 years now, and for the last 5 with much more frequency. It appeals to her because she enjoys the sense of being in control. This is why we don't have any release schedules, etc.; for her, she wants to make the decision, be it weeks or months.

Other than that, she's not kinky (so she claims), and has little or no desire to explore other avenues. She just enjoys the idea of making me aroused and controlling that energy.

[Whizbang]

Newbie here.

My relationship dynamic has a different spin than many on the site. Over my long relationship, I've been the more inexperienced, vanilla partner and have had the lower libido. My partner has always been decidedly more bent but also rather coy about exactly how bent.

Over the years, my limits have been, er, gently but steadily stretched, and, relatively recently, they'd been stretched enough so that it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to browse online sites for various accoutrements to spice up sexy time.

Now, I'd seen chastity devices at such sites before and thought, "Hm... that looks kinda fun." But I also thought, "My partner is gonna look at me like I'm nuts," so I never bought one or even mentioned it.

Then my partner had to leave town for a few weeks and, after about a week, this present shows up at the door--a PA-5000. (So, I think some of the fellas who've had to coax, persuade, wheedle, and beg their wives to let them try chastity hate my guts now.)

Long story not so long, I liked it way more than I (or my partner) had any inkling. It reversed the libido dynamics and it's a real brainhack.

My partner is generally coy. What I've been told is, "I really like that you really like it." But we don't necessarily play any T&D games or release games. I honestly prefer being in the device and am happy that my partner gets to choose when to unlock me. (But my partner has also never hesitated to give me the key when I ask to be let out... generally for dealing with various living-in-a-chastity-device issues.)

But I also infer that:

- my partner -really- likes the aesthetics of me being locked up in a metal device
- my partner likes (and is sometimes annoyed by) the reversal in our relative libido strengths
- my partner -really- likes the security of knowing that my ability to be naughty when we're not near each other is greatly diminished

[wishful4]

We have been exploring the MC lifestyle off & on for a little over 2 years. Our background is that my libido is much higher than hers now due to a hysterectomy. She still has the ability to orgasm, but not nearly the sex drive as before. Bottom line is that; IMO, she probably could take it or leave it and does MC simply because she knows I am turned on by it. She likes the the way I am more loving and helpful while chaste. Though we have a male chastity agreement, she he is still not fully invested in MC, but I am trying to prod her along.

[kinkywife]

What enjoyment do you derive from your role in and practice of this game/activity/lifestyle?
I lock up my hubby's cock and enjoy knowing I have complete control over his cock and orgasms 24/7 forever.

Who initiated it? If the KH initiated, how did you convince him?
We saw it online and got out of curiosity but I loved it straight away and love keeping him locked up.

[LAKH]

We got in to Chastity as a way to save our relationship because he has a higher need for sex than I do and rather than tell me when he wasn't satisfied he'd either do a lot of self pleasuring or he'd go looking for sex else where.

I thought the fact that he was willing to wear a device that put me in control of his cock was a sure message that he was sorry for nearly destroying our relationship

My need for sex is still a lot less than his but I was enjoying having the control over when he came plus when we did have sex it seemed that the experience was more intense for him. I was convinced quality over quantity was working but recently some thing has seemed not quite right and he has now admitted he can masturbate whilst wearing his device.

So I've told him it is no use him wearing it and we are back where we started! I've now also told him that if he needs an open relationship to ensure he gets what he needs then so be it - all I ask for is honesty!

[Tom Allen]

My need for sex is still a lot less than his but I was enjoying having the control over when he came plus when we did have sex it seemed that the experience was more intense for him. I was convinced quality over quantity was working but recently some thing has seemed not quite right and he has now admitted he can masturbate whilst wearing his device.

So I've told him it is no use him wearing it and we are back where we started! I've now also told him that if he needs an open relationship to ensure he gets what he needs then so be it - all I ask for is honesty!

There's no way that I would offer up any marriage counseling advice, not knowing anything about your situation, but let me toss this out for some cogitation.

Chastity devices are not 100% secure; they can't be. While they will no doubt prevent intercourse, unless you get one that is custom made, you can't guarantee that it will prevent some kind of orgasm from manipulation. Even some of the guys wearing the full steel belts report that they can manage to get some kind of release after spending enough time or energy on it. The "advantage" of the shorter devices (CB6000s, for example) is that not only can you not get an erection, you can't get much feeling by trying to move around inside it. But even with these shorter devices, you can shake and manipulate them enough to get *something* if you're horny enough.

Personally, I've stopped trying, because the reward isn't worth the work - but if I'm desperate, I can manage to get a small orgasm from the judicious use of a vibrating back massager (the Hitachi, believe it or not, doesn't have enough power for me).

So, instead of giving up chastity because it's not working, you might consider looking at a different device, something that won't allow him any room to grow (or move around).

Just a suggestion.

[LAKH]

There's no way that I would offer up any marriage counseling advice, not knowing anything about your situation, but let me toss this out for some cogitation.

Chastity devices are not 100% secure; they can't be. While they will no doubt prevent intercourse, unless you get one that is custom made, you can't guarantee that it will prevent some kind of orgasm from manipulation. Even some of the guys wearing the full steel belts report that they can manage to get some kind of release after spending enough time or energy on it. The "advantage" of the shorter devices (CB6000s, for example) is that not only can you not get an erection, you can't get much feeling by trying to move around inside it. But even with these shorter devices, you can shake and manipulate them enough to get *something* if you're horny enough.

Personally, I've stopped trying, because the reward isn't worth the work - but if I'm desperate, I can manage to get a small orgasm from the judicious use of a vibrating back massager (the Hitachi, believe it or not, doesn't have enough power for me).

So, instead of giving up chastity because it's not working, you might consider looking at a different device, something that won't allow him any room to grow (or move around).

Just a suggestion.

well he does have another shorter device and we did consider that BUT my thoughts are that if he doesn't WANT to save himself for me why bother?

To him the reward masturbating was worth the effort more so than the rewards of waiting for me to allow his release

[Tom Allen]

Just to reiterate, I don't know anything about your situation or relationship; just take what I write as a generalization.

To him the reward masturbating was worth the effort more so than the rewards of waiting for me to allow his release

My first thought here is that you're not thinking like a man.

Seriously, you've got a man with a high sex drive in a a sexually exciting position in which he can only get *more* aroused. When he discovered that he *could* relieve some of that arousal, then it's really no surprise. But keep in mind that it's also no reflection on you, or how he feels about you. I mean that. Right now, all he's thinking is that it's exciting, and that he wants relief.

And consider: what would he have been like *without* a device? Would he have masturbated more or less often? My guess is more, since the opportunity was there. For a lot of men, wanking is simply a stress reliever; the "reward" is more immediate, and we don't give it much thought afterward.

well he does have another shorter device and we did consider that BUT my thoughts are that if he doesn't WANT to save himself for me why bother?

Well, apparently both of you were interested enough to want to experiment, so instead of giving up from disappointment, it might be worth experimenting further. It's possible that he may not have been mentally or emotionally ready to give up that kind of control, so you may have to (within some reason) simply step in and take it.

If you already have a smaller device, then you have nothing to lose by asking him to wear that one for a while. Make sure it's comfortable, and then (when he's ready) swap his lock for your own. When he's in a position in which he can't relieve himself, or can do so only with difficulty (or unsatisfactorily), he will need to be more open with you regarding his frustration. This may (or may not) lead to some good conversations for the both of you.

[Celtic Queen]

well he does have another shorter device and we did consider that BUT my thoughts are that if he doesn't WANT to save himself for me why bother?

To him the reward masturbating was worth the effort more so than the rewards of waiting for me to allow his release

LAKH, I'm not sure that chastity is going to solve the problem for you if he is willing to "look elsewhere". Like Tom, I'm only going to make the most general of comments but chastity in the modern sense should never be confused with medieval methods of restraint (which is often one of those irritating misconceptions out there in the vanilla world). It's a sex game couples play, it's really that simple. On the face of it, it may seem like a neat solution to differing sex drives but I think that's too simplistic and misleading. By accepting your partner's key, you are also "in the game" so to speak and to assume that locking up means it all goes away is asking for trouble. You may be able to dictate the timing, the frequency, the regularity of sex but it's still a two way thing. Infidelity will never be solved with a chastity device. If your man is cheating on the device, he's not "playing" properly either. Does he expect to be punished for cheating? How much control do you wish to exert and how much work do you want to put into being a key holder?

My suggestion (worth exactly what you are paying for it ) is to get him in as short a device as possible. Invest in pull-out devices if you think it will help you both etc and if he still insists on messing with the device, take it off him and make him earn the right to be key held by showing respect, restraint and good behaviour. Being a key holder takes time, intuition and creativity. Being a successfully chaste couple takes patience, communication and understanding. If he's still fucking about, well - you have to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want going forward. I would interested to understand how an open relationship would work with a chastity arrangement by the way!!.



Sorry to pinch your thread Devoted Hubby!