Help convince my wife...

[wettie]

So, I suspect this is another "I answer this once a day" type of questions, but.....

How can I get my wife more interested?
OK, it's not that general a question, so here's the backgtound:

I'm currently locked and my wife has the key but isn't actively engaged. BUT, she has gotten used to the idea, but doesn't understand why I would want this. We've discussed it a lot, and unfortunately I can't explain it well, other than to tell her I would like her to take control of my sex life, and maybe more. Now, she has zero interest in sex in general, and doesn't want a submissive husband, so what's the sell to her? She is willing to work in her sex drive, and has spoken with a doctor and is willing to try some stuff she wasn't before, we used a penis extension with decent results, and we're waiting on a "magic wand", so she's clearly willing to expand her horizons.

So, I mentioned that there was a book written for "vanilla wives" and she's willing to read it, but....

Should I get her the Lucy Fairbourne book, or the Sarah Jameson book, or are both a bad idea, and why?

[Tom Allen]

Sarah's book is more vanilla oriented, and she is very straight-forward in suggesting that it has nothing to do with being a submissive husband.

Also, I highly recommend picking up "When Someone You Love is Kinky" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It's a very easy-reading explanation of why some people enjoy some of the non-vanilla things that they do. Very non-threatening.

[wettie]

If only Sarah's was on Kindle! And thanks for the other recommendation. So, what if I would like to eventually introduce an aspect of submission into the relationship, should i still ease her in with Sarah's book and bring her along slowly?

[Tom Allen]

Look, buy all three books. They aren't that expensive.

[fuzzydunlop]

This might sound discouraging at first, but I really don't think there is any "magic bullet" literature that you can hand your wife to get her interested in enforced chastity. If she has low sexual interest and you do not feel close to her, your kinks might make her feel like one more thing that puts pressure on her. But my spouse has gone through long bouts of low drive (not due to anyone's fault), and here are some things that helped us.

1. Grab the laboring oar and understand that it will be hard work but will payoff in the end.

2. Try, try, try, to put yourself in her position. At the end of the day, even purposefully not having sex IS a sex practice, and a kinky one at that. If she has very low sex drive is will be a haul to get her to be enthusiastic at first about kinky obsessions. Handing her a book might seem like a chore that you are assigning. (Most) women really do have a more complicated sex drive then men You might feel resentful at times about putting the energy in, when she doesn't seem to, but being submissive isn't about thinking less of yourself, it about think about yourself less.

One website that helped me understand a little better what it might feel like for a wife with a low sex drive:

http://juliagrey.wordpress.com.

3. Think much harder about why you are doing what you are doing, and be prepared to explain it to her. Are you doing it to help improve your relationship and sex life? Tell her that. Are you doing it because masturbation is just a quick fix that leaves you lonely? Tell her that. Do you feel lazy and undisciplined? Tell her that. Are you trying to get out of a rut? Tell her that. Work on things outside the bedroom as much as possible.

4. I love, love, love erotic sexual denial, but trying to take refocus away from orgasms is actually a much more "mainstream" practice than some people realize. Even Dan Savage, one of the most sex positive people around, suggests taking sex "off the table" to help some relationships, in order to take pressure off. Don't substitute the pressure of having sex for the pressure of dominating you. Here are some ultra vanilla sites that deal with trying to take the focus off of orgasm, that might be quick reads:

Yoga and eastern thought: http://www.yogitimes.com/los_angeles/ar ... _this.html

Sensate focus to shift focus away from orgasms: http://healthguide.howstuffworks.com/se ... ionary.htm

I do not buy the "science" behind Cupid's Poison Arrow, but nonetheless believe these behaviors are good alternatives to orgasm: http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love

5. Try your best to reinforce behavior that you like.

I know this isn't kinky hot advice, but it has been helpful to me.

[wettie]

Thanks for the links, I’ll take a look at them.

A few point of clarification. I expect this will be a long term effort. Part of the reason I am in chastity is because I want to give my wife time to “work on” her sex drive without feeling like I am pressuring her. I am not expecting this to happen quickly, and my chastity term is still long, 410 days, 300 of them left, and we’ve got plenty of time beyond that.

The other major point is that she is very aware of, and trying to remedy, her low sexual interest, and this process has brought us even closer. I love my wife, and hope none of this sounds like I am disparaging her. Our life outside of the sex department is fantastic, and I’m seeing a lot of potential for improvements in the sex department. She’s aware that she has some self help to do, and with the help of our new Magic Wand she is eagerly working on it.

In just the last two weeks she has gone from thinking chastity was weird to accepting, and even starting to see some benefits of it. We’ve had a lot more open discussions about our mismatched sexual desires and turn-ons. She has acknowledged the fact that both of us having only had one partner is probably part of the problem, which opens the door eventually for some stuff I never thought would be opened… She has also remembered that she has known for our entire near 20 year relationship that I have always had some kinks, and that while I’ve “put them away” for a while that she entered into this relationship knowing enjoyed some more flavor than vanilla. I have also recalled that at times she enjoyed some of them, sex in drag on a few Halloweens comes to mind…

Anyway, I guess what I’m saying is that this isn’t so much me forcing this on her. Of course to a degree it is, she would have never introduced it, but we’re kind of in a sexual rebuilding phase, and as Dan Savage says, I’m putting all my kink cards on the table. She’s seen them all before, but they’ve been hidden away for a long time. So far, so good, it’s actually all gone much better than I would have expected. Now I’m just trying to figure out if there is reading material that would broaden her perspective that there are a lot of people into this with lots of different ideas of how they want it to work.

I think actually writing out all the reasons I like it is a great idea, we talk about it a lot, but I always fumble with words, so putting them on paper is probably a great idea. I think I’ll make it an all inclusive list of all my turn-ons. Probably won’t throw all the cards on the table at the same time, but I plan on playing them all in the next 300 days.

[fuzzydunlop]

Thanks---you may not be having much "sex" but fron what you describe in your blog, it seems that your sex life is far from dead. My wife and I have been together almost as long as you guys. When we were in college, we had a pretty inventive sex life, but by the time we had our third baby, it seemed like we had been in the desert along time. That was when I went through a 50 day self controlled denial period---MB and erotica just weren't doing it for me. A year later, and a couple of episodes of chastity later, we are doing much better. Having sex multiple times per week seemed far fetched to me a year ago---last week we had sex with no orgasm for me for the first time. Anyway, some background on us.

[wettie]

Sounds pretty similar, hopefully we're just in the earlier stages.

[wettie]

So, that was so much easier than I expected, SHE”S IN!!! My wife declared last night that she’ll participate and play the role of key holder, not just key hider. We were out for a fancy dinner with friends, and I snapped an unflattering photo (nothing inappropriate, just a candid that was a little too candid) of the two of us, and instantly put it on facebook.. She saw it and demanded I take it off. I refused, and she leaned in and said:

“Don’t forget, I have your keys, take it off.
I said “if you’re going to play that card that means you have to play the whole game.”
And she said, “I’m playing, now take it off.” and I did.

It was clear that she was not kidding, and that she had thought about this a little, so I was excited the rest of the night wondering what this would mean. We got home, used her new vibrator again while making out heavily, and went to bed.

This morning she started rattling off a list of housework that I’m to complete today, so I guess it’s started.

And she hasn't even gotten to the book yet, I guess that will just give her ideas...

[fuzzydunlop]

That's great to hear. Make sure you reenforce by thanking her and making sure that she understands that this is something you want.