[GayBear] Chastity on a rocky road

[GayBear]

I have been dreaming of long term chastity for half my live now. I am 28 and I am finally being able to work hard on making the wish come true. My longest time was 3 months. Even then I was dissapointed when it ended.

It is a rocky road, hence the title, because I suffer from PTSD. The first 20 years of my life were one big, long traumatic expirience. Am looking for professional help, but by GOD!, it takes alot of time. Another difficulty is that my lovely partner of 8 years, called husbear from now on even though we are not married (yet), suffers from social anxiety. This journal is for him as much as it is for me. Something are easier to communicate in writing, at least for me, and I hope he will have fun reading this journal. Hi husbear, love you!
Of course, I hope many other people read it too.

I have gotten my PTSD diagnosis not too long ago. Until that point my life was a very confusing to me. Now, that I understand a bit what is going on I finally start to get it together. Dealing with symptoms of a mental illness that one does not know about is very, very different to symptoms that one understands. My efforts to get my life back (well, getting back is a bit of a misnomer. It implies I had one and lost it, which is not true.) brought my mind to back chastity.

Long term chastity is my biggest sexuell desire but I had made my peace with not being able to do it. I was just way to unsteady and unstable. I feel like that is no longer the case.

I have a very stressfull time right now and in the past that made chastity all but impossible. Yesterday I had a massive, massive panick attack and I still feel physcially ill because of it, but I stayed away from my cock. In the past I could not. In the past I would have needed to end chastity, was not able to handle it when I felt that way. It felt sickening and claustrophobic. In the past I also self medicated with alcohol and other stuff, which is no longer necessary; the power of knowledge. I am very proud of my first week of chastity right now. The massive attack from yesterday, and a smaller one a few days earlier, and I did not do anything stupid. Yey me!

My work to better myself includes becoming a bear-body builder, eating healthy, stop self medicating, and staying chastee. So far I feel I am doing great.

I do not feel horny at all right now, which is the aftermath of the panic attack I guess, and I hope my horniness returns soon. I am so happy when horny. That is why I want to live in chastity in the first place. I feel, that when I am horny, I am the true me.

Because chastity is a new and a bit frightening to my husbear we have a rather unique aggreement. One could say, he is not ready to keep me in chastity yet, it makes him very anxious of doing something wrong, so for now I keep myself in chastity with his help. That seems to make him feel much better and I am just happy that chastity takes place. I believe, he just needs some time to get used to our new activites and his new boyfriend.
He sets the dates of potential releases. He told me I would be allowed to cum this weekend if I want to, but I am going to ask for more time in chastity. This way, we feel we have the best of both ways.

We use the honour system for now. I will not stimulate my genitals or my nipples or watch porno videos pictures are okay though. Many reason for this. For one, good chastity devices are expensive, and a few years ago we tried something cheap and it was a disaster. I also do not feel comforable with the thought of being stuck in a device during a ptsd attack. In the future, when I get better at handling these, why not, but right now it is nightmare fuel. And I also feel the honour system is immensly empowering, romantic, sexy and masculine. It is a very, very good feeling to resist the urge. When I feel more horny I bet I will write about this some more.


So yeah, this is my rambling first journel. Pretty unfocused, but its mine. I had a lot of fun writing this, I bet I am going to do this alot. I am very happy right now, even though I feel pretty ill. Chastity is happiness.

[GayBear]

Today I want to write about something that occured to me in another thread.

Another thing that I fought very hard against, but still managed to creep in, is that because of my illness my needs sometimes overshadowed his. I fear he has gotten a bit used to it.

I am not proud of this, but I think it is the truth. I hope that long term chastity play will help us correct this. I am in the lucky position that we do not do chastity just because it is just my desire. Husbear also always liked the thought of it. He wants a horny and submissive man, just as much as I want to be horny and submissive. Of course the flipside is, I desire a dominant and sadistic man.

I hope that when we start to get good at this, he learns to put his own needs and desires before mine. I want him to understand, when I am in chastity he already makes me so happy and fulfilles one of my biggest desires. And I want him to understand, that in chastity, I feel much better equipped to be the partner and person I want to be. Goal of this experiment is, to show him that. That has alot to do with the generell benefits of chastity, and also that I feel it helps me so much to manage my PTSD.

It is difficult for me that my husbear is sometimes very shy and introvert and can have difficulty expressing himself. Just yesterday I told him that I strongly believe, what you cannot express you do not really know. As he is someone who prefers to listen then to talk it pissed him off a bit, but I believe it is true. This is, why I force talking after every sex session and enjoy writing about chastity here.

In the other thread I also wrote that I felt in charge of the chastity experiment now, and I thought about it some more and I believe it to be true and beautifull. Of course, the dream is to make this a sub/dom relationship, but as long as I feel we make progress I do not mind. When teasing beginns I become totally submissive, and outside of that I take charge.

As I have mental health issues that just makes sense, as for now only I know how far I can go and what works, and does not. As long as my husbear does not have a full understanding of how chastity effects me it would be unwise to give away too much controll. It would be an unfair position to put him in I feel. Responsibility is work. In the past I sometimes forgot that when I got overeager with sexuell experiments. It is alot of work in "normal" relationsships, and ours can sometimes be pretty "unnormal" when the symptoms hit.

I am a bit horny today and it makes me happy. Yesterday I watched a few episodes of the Daredevil TV show, and omg the villain is so sexy. I could not stop rubbing my skin when he was on screen and was very, very, very frustrated with not allowing to touch my nipples or genitals and I loved every second of the frustration. I am getting an errection just writing about it.

Yesterday something else amazing happened, too. After I sucked off husbears unwashed cock, and loved it, I admit him that I would love to get used to it. In the past I was a bit squeamish about it, even though that always was a fantasie of mine, and demanded him to wash it, before I got near with my mouth. A few days of chastity and that goes right ouf the window. Amazing. I admitted that it was a huge turn on for me that I did it. After he came he refused to stimulate me sexuell anymore, which felt so, so right. Husbear is slowly taking charge and I love it!

Im a happy bear right now!

[Locked by LRC]

An observation of Husbear and Female key holders. When first starting with chastity they just plain don't understand our desire for chastity. As time moves on many begin to understand and embrace it. It sounds like Husbear is starting the same.

Maybe soon, you may be writing about that BCWYWF (Be Careful What You Wish For) moment many of us have felt, it's a great feeling!