Training by Keyholder

[KH jetzs]

My hubby and I have decided to go with full-time chastity. We have been married for 12 years and up until now it has been a male-dominated relationship. We have signed a preliminary contract and are waiting for the new device to arrive. Most of the preliminary contract deals with him not doing things that push my buttons and should serve as a guide for training for him. I feel petty correcting him all the time but if he wants to be in chastity he has to play by my rules. I get really tired of all this enforcement. I am hoping things will be different when he actually puts the device on because now I keep seeing a non-submissive side coming out. If anyone has any comments or has been down this road before, I would be grateful for any advice that you can give. Thanks for any comments!

[Sub_Hub]

My wife is in transition from submissive to dominant. We did not do a contract as we prefer to just talk and adjust as we go along. However, contracts can help establish the basics upfront rather than over time like we have done. My wife still struggles with being dominant and correction my mistakes when I do my assigned tasks wrong or not to her liking. At one time, like you, she said it was exhausting to constantly correct me. We found a way to fix that: Domestic Discipline. I bought her a paddle and now when she is unhappy with me, she paddles my but until I am squirming and a little black and blue. This is done in a non sexual setting and really hurts. Pain is a very effective training tool although it is looked down at these days. Our military still uses pain to train our troops by punishing bad behavior with pushups, long runs and other things that hurt after a while.

I told my wife that I respond best to a painful punishment as that is what I got as a kid and in the Army. Since corporally disciplining me, I have been much better at what I do and how I treat her. After the first two sessions there has not been a need for any more. This works for us and may not work for you but my wife went from hating to hurt anyone to enjoying making my butt so sore that it was uncomfortable to sit down.

One word of caution though from someone who has been there. Beware of your husband topping from the bottom. I like to be sexually submissive and my wife was also submissive. I got into a lot of kinky stuff that she would go along with but in fact, I was still in charge, telling her what to do. Outside of the bedroom I was still the boss. This made it impossible for her to realize her dominant side. It was not until we entered into a wife led marriage where I became the submissive partner in the marriage, did she start to grow into the dominant woman she is now. At first I remained my old dominant self and would still tell her how to drive, where to park and what to do. I was sending her mixed signals. I was asking her to be dominant but I was not being very submissive unless it pleased me to be so.

I guess what I am saying is that a lot of dominant men are sexually submissive but when it has nothing to do with their fetish or sex, they remain dominant. Chastity play requires some level of control or dominance in your day to day relationship since it extends beyond your bedroom door. Hard to deal with a husband who is only submissive in the bedroom, contract or no contract. I have two suggestions for you and you can make of them as you will:

- Whenever your husband breaks the contract just tell him that chastity was his idea and he went along with it to please him. If he does not want to abide by the contract you both signed, he can have the keys back. That was effective for my wife and still is.

- Research a wife led marriage which seems that you are attempting right now. We did not find that chastity worked unless I was willing to be submissive to my wife not only in the bedroom, but in our relationship too. It does not mean you have to become a dominatrix and wear high heeled boots, although you can do that if you want. At its core, a wife led marriage just means that the wife has the final say. In our case, my wife runs all things related to the household, finances and sex. What is left is mine to do with as I please like going out with friends, etc..

That is all I can offer as advice. Just because it worked for us does not mean it will work for you. Were we are at now is my wife has become much more dominant but expressed fears of becoming a b*tch. I assured her that I enjoyed being dominated by her and being dominant is far from being a b*tch. I told her that if I ever felt that she was going too far, I would let her know and that seemed to work for her. We also started off with me being locked up 24/7 but it was not very comfortable at times and urinating and cleaning up afterwards became a pain. At this time, I only am locked up when I am home and she is not with me. I get released before I go to bed. Since I am retired, I am with my wife most of the time and there is no sense, once the initial excitement wears off, for me to be locked up when there is no reason for it.

Go slow, start off by asking for foot massages and little things like getting you something to drink or eat throughout your time together. Stop asking him what he wants to watch on TV and watch what you want. Gradually take more and more control and watch your husband's reaction. If he resists, hand him the keys and tell him if he does not want to follow the rules, it is not going to work for you. After all, no matter what the guy says, no one practices chastity without wanting to.

[ChrissysProperty]

Hey KH jetz, My advice is to listen to Sub-Hub, I agree with his every word. I've stumbled across several of his posts and we appear to have similar chastity lifestyle beliefs. Great news for two people living on opposite sides of the great pond. But recognise that everyone IS different and you need to develop any ideas to match your own needs. The desire of a man to be dominated or/and kept in chastity normally comes from his own experience of previously being dominant or/and being in a position of authority himself (not always though).

I am also retired which gives me more time to see to my Princess's needs. I too tried to top from the bottom in the early days and Princess just threatened to give me the keys back if I didn't just do as I was told. She also gives me occasional training and punishment sessions when she thinks my performance is not good enough. I'm restrained face down on the bed and she uses her leather belts to warm up and redden my butt and then applies her chosen number of hard strokes with her rattan cane. Again, as Sub-Hub said, it has to be beyond his pain threshold for it to be truly effective. e.g. He has to come out the other end wanting to avoid that punishment in future.

You shouldn't use this authority unfairly but you should use it to get whatever you want within his means.

Just for info, unlike Sub-Hub, I am locked 24/7 and not even allowed to touch myself on the infrequent hygiene release when I get an edging to heighten my frustration and attentiveness to my Princess's needs.

Be confident and authoritive, talk to each other and tell him what YOU want from it all! Best of luck!

[chastehub]

Hi KH jetzs,

Sub_Hub and ChrissysProperty provided great advice, so i just want to add a couple points. As with all advice, YMMV.

Both guys recommended corporal punishment to fix errant behavior. While i'd be willing to explore that with MyBride, that would be a tough sell. MyBride is not into kinky things in general -- that has always been a stretch for her -- so the deal regarding chastity, and the purchase of a cage, was the cage would be our one and only BDSM toy. For us errant behavior is corrected by the chastity device; it remains locked on. She'll tell me "I was going to unlock you tonight, but because of xxxx you haven't earned it." After a couple weeks, when i'm clawing at the cage, that gets my attention. So i don't believe corporal punishment is necessary; use it if and as it works in your relationship.

Also, one thing we tried that did not work for us was establishing a release calendar, whether through drawing a card, rolling dice, spinning a wheel or some other method, with the time increased or reduced based on behavior. To some extent i believe that promotes topping from the bottom ("i'll be bad so she'll extend my time"), it constrains the KH ("I really want PIV sex, but it isn't time to unlock him yet") and there is too much book keeping involved ("tomorrow is the release date, except we subtracted 2 days here, added 3 days there, etc."). We evolved to "She decides," which is far simpler. Given our experience, i would recommend staying away from a release calendar and staying with the "She decides" method.

i wish you the best as you establish and evolve the framework for your chastity relationship!

[KH jetzs]

Thanks so much for your replies! This has helped me get some perspective on the situation. Initially I opted for a contract because of the roles that are switching. I didn't want there to be any misunderstandings about what was allowed and what was not. My husband doesn't really see the need for a contract and i think without one he may do whatever he wants and say that he is trying to follow my directions. The other day he said "old habits die hard". "That maybe true but you know what's expected of you and you have free will", was my response. He says he is not topping from the bottom but he hasn't convinced me of that yet. If he is, I'm not sure that he realizes it either. I have to go for the moment but I will finish this post later on. Thank you for all your responses!

[Sub_Hub]

Just a quick comment. My wife never wanted to hurt me in any way and would have one of her girlfriends do that. When we started T&D and Chastity play I asked her to at least give corporal punishment a try and that I would utter my safe word if she hurt me too much. She tried and it was horrified when she saw the bruises she made and said she will never do it again. OK then. Fast forward a few months into our wife led marriage and chastity play and she comes into my man cave with a paddle in her hand to tell me that I need to be punished because I forgot to take the trash out for the third time in a row. She paddled me good and left welts as well as bruises. She said that she got aroused doing it now and that she is beginning to enjoy being dominant and getting pleasure from it. Things can change rapidly once both parties accept their new roles in the relationship. Now she owns a brand new paddle that has never been used by another women on me and it is enough of a threat to keep me on the straight and narrow.

[KH jetzs]

Sub_Hub,
Thanks for the reply. Yesterday I asked him what he thought about corporal and I am not sure that he is ok with it. Even so he might go along with it because he knows that I'm a pretty light touch! It seems like a good way to keep things moving in the right direction.

It seems when I correct him he has a lot of excuses and a lot of explaining that he likes to do. He makes everything seem like a misunderstanding. In the past he has always been able to convince me that he has the best intentions even if it is not the case (i am a bit gullible to his stories).

He says he wants to try chastity because it is the best thing for our relationship. He has quit doing a lot of things that he used always do to bother me (He said he couldn't understand why a particular thing bothered me so he just kept doing it). So I'm not sure if I should give him a break here and there or if that would undermine my position and defuse my dominance.

I feel he is taking this a little too casually. He assures me that he is serious but this all gets so complicated and tiresome.

[TwistedMister]

It seems when I correct him he has a lot of excuses and a lot of explaining that he likes to do. He makes everything seem like a misunderstanding. In the past he has always been able to convince me that he has the best intentions even if it is not the case (i am a bit gullible to his stories). So now I am skeptical when I hear his excuses.

One of the first things I learned in the military, was that there were *NO* acceptable excuses. You either did what you were supposed to do, or you did not. You had to take responsibility for your actions (or inaction). Failure had consequences, you accepted your responsibility for failure and you accepted the consequences. Attempts to make 'excuses' for failure only brought more severe consequences. You were expected to learn from your failures so as not to make the same mistake again. One does not learn from failure if excuses are accepted, nor does one learn to take responsibility for one's actions (or inaction). Accepting excuses only encourages more excuses.

[chastehub]

Initially I opted for a contract because of the roles that are switching. I didn't want there to be any misunderstandings about what was allowed and what was not.

i didn't mention this in my previous post, but MyBride and i have a contract and it has been helpful for communicating what we want for our relationship. Also, i included in the contract an appendix that lists things i would find mind blowing, but with the understanding that all are suggestions; if, when and if ever She does any of those things is entirely up to Her. The purpose of the appendix is to communicate, but not manipulate.

[kinkyconsumer]

My advice is a bit different. You really can't have too much success if you have to keep correcting him. I agree with corporal punishment, but the real punishment is to stop playing. He has to understand that he has a role...obeying and learning to do what you want. His goal should be to be your good boy, not you being his disciplinarian. Getting you to micromanage him is really topping from the bottom. Just my opinion.