advice for couples

[Toms_Princess]

Hello, my name is Tom, my wife Jessica and I have been in the "chastity lifestyle" for about 4 years now, and we would like to share what we have learned, in hopes that it could help other couples through some hurdles. First let me tell you a little about us, we are both in our early forties, and both have careers that are important to us. We have 2 children 13 and 15 both boys. The chastity play was originally my idea, and I asked Jessica if it was something that interested her, and we agreed to give it a try.
I have always seemed to have a higher sex drive than my wife, it is not something that caused issues for us, and we had settled into a routine where we would have sex every Friday, and the sex was good, but just not very exciting. I would like to have had sex more, and would frequently take a few minutes and watch porn, or read some erotic stories and then masturbate. In one particular story I read about chastity devices, and began researching the topic. I was turned on by the idea of giving up control of my orgasms to my wife, who I very much trust and love and respect. I think without all three of those things chastity play is not going to be successful. I thought it would be a way to spice things up a bit, and perhaps give her a bit more excitement.

I would like to share some of what I have learned with guys that have a similar interest or fantasy. First if this is something that you are interested in, you are going to have to be the one that brings it up, no matter how many hints you drop or fantasies you share she is not going to all of a sudden one day break out with, "hey honey, I would like to buy a chastity device and lock you in it for weeks at a time while you service my needs!" You are going to have to explain to her what you hope to get from it as wsell as what you think she can get from it. Not easy to bring up....

My advice is to not force it on her, let her think about it. If you have the money buy a cheap one (any of the cbxxx ones are affordable and pretty effective. If you decide that you two enjoy it there are more secure and comfortable devices to be had. Explain to her how it works and what you expect from her, and give her ideas on what she might expect from you. The scariest thing I have ever done in my life was talk to Jess about this. I was afraid that she would think I was a pervert or somehow had lost my mind. Give her time to digest what you have told her, let her read some about it, let her make the next move, if it is something that she is interested in she will bring it up. DON'T hound her about it. If she doesn't bring it up again let it drop. Save your fantasy for yourself. DON'T hold it against her.

Now let me share with you what chastity play isn't first. It is not some fantasy world where she will be teasing you all the time, making you perform sexual acts for her. It won't fix a broken relationship, if you are having troubles now, they will be just as bad, or maybe worse if you try chastity. 95% of your life will not change. You will be horny a lot and sometimes very frustrated, but that is what is exciting to me. Knowing that the woman I love is the only one who can allow me to have an orgasm is just as exciting to me now as the thought was 4 years ago. Your wife is not going to become a fantasy Domme who spanks you and humiliates you for her own pleasure. If humiliating you is a turn on for her, I am sure that you would not be together for long anyway. Do not think that she will be always thinking about new ways to excite you, because she won't be. DO NOT think that she will be horny all the time because you are, it doesn't work like that. Yes, knowing that she has you locked up will be a turn on for her (hopefully), and I think its fair to say that she will have a little higher libido, but don't think she will be a sex crazed animal all of a sudden.

What chastity play is, is a way for a couple to grow closer and have more fun in the bedroom, a way to let go of some of the inhibitions and explore some new ways to spice things up a bit. You no doubt want to be submissive in the bedroom if this interests you, this doesn't mean that you have to be a whimpering puppy outside the bedroom. Your wife loves you for what you are. Unless you both agree that won't change any. Chastity is a way to remind you all day that you have agreed to put your partners needs first in the bedroom, and that you get your pleasure from seeing her happy. Chastity play is a way for you to explore your fantasy, and for her to have her needs fulfilled at the same time.

It is very tempting to "top from the bottom" it is also very destructive to the relationship. What does that mean? Well, I think that it is very common for someone who took the first step in something to want to keep the momentum going. Unfortunately once the first step is taken it has to be your partner that continues the journey. It is okay to share what you enjoy and maybe make suggestions, but telling your partner how you want her to tell you what to do not going to work. It is putting pressure on her to do something she may not be comfortable with. Let her decide how things are going to work. If you have ideas feel free to share them with her, but be very careful that you do not persuade her to do them. Again if she likes the idea let her run with it. If not she will let it die, make sure she knows that you are okay with her letting it die.

I have asked her if she will share what she has learned over the past few years and maybe share some tips for new keyholders:

Hi, My name is Jessica, My husband Tom asked me post some advice for new keyholders, so I guess I will start at the beginning. When He first asked me if playing with a chastity device would be something that I would enjoy I was speechless! We had been married for 18 years, and I assumed anyway, very happy both in our lives and sexually. The first thought that came to my head when he showed me the devices were "Holy Shit my husband is trying to cover up for cheating on me!!!" I was very confused and asked him to wait on the whole thing while I read up on it. After wading through what I found out to be 75% horny male fantasies online, and numerous forums, I realized that it is not what I thought. I still claim that this started as a mid-life crisis, but I figured trying this is better than Tom getting a Corvette and a 20 year old girl friend, so I agreed to give it a try.

After reading online and watching some videos I was very afraid that I would be expected to wear crazy leather corsets and walk around with a paddle, spanking him. But, after I discussing with him what he was looking for out of this I realized that I was wrong, thank goodness. He wanted me to take control in the bedroom, and be more aggressive with my needs and fantasies. So, we gave it a try.

The first time he tried putting the device on when it finally came was pretty silly really, I had fantasies of me putting it on him and locking him up, well, with the devices we have tried anyway, it doesn't work like that. Every time I tried putting it on him I pinched him, or crushed him or something else uncomfortable. So, now I leave the installation to him, but I do the locking. The first night he wore his device with me I had no clue what to do, and I think I was more apprehensive than him. Finally we did some petting and had him finger me to an orgasm. As soon as I had climaxed I immediately unlocked him, and we made love. At which time he explained that it was great for him, but he was hoping that he would remain in the device after I was finished. That is when I learned the most important lesson I have. Not to feel guilty when I have an orgasm and he didn't. It was the hardest thing for me to believe that he wanted to miss out on it, especially since he was the one that always was trying to initiate sex with me! What I have learned is that the excitement and lust builds with him as he is locked up, and he says its just as good as having an orgasm for him.

That was over three years ago, now he wears his device almost all the time. I remove it for him to wash up, and when we are going to play, but, as soon as he is clean, or I am done using "my" cock, in it goes. I don't have a set schedule for when he gets out to orgasm. Just when I decide, but I would say every other week is a good average for us. That is us, you may be and almost certainly are different. We tried all kinds of different ways to determine when he would have an orgasm, from a points system where he earns points for giving me pleasure, to rolling dice, to setting a date in advance, but they were either too complex or regimented for us.

The important thing for keyholders to remember is that he is "playing" 24/7. The whole time he is wearing his CB he is reminded that you are in control. So, it is important not to ignore the fact that he is wearing it. It doesn't have to be something involved, just an offhanded comment, such as "your princess wants you to go get milk," or simply touching his device through his pants and saying just making sure my property is doing well. Things like this remind him that you are thinking about him, and he is not just being locked away so he doesn't "bother" you about having sex when you are tired. Believe me making those little gestures or comments is also very exciting for you, reminding yourself that you essentially have your own little "sex slave" that is always horny and always willing to try anything that you can think up is very exciting. Sometimes when I get home from work my husband will be home, I will have him follow me to the bedroom, and take my clothes off for me, and dress me in something comfortable. Nothing really sexual happens there, but it is very exciting for both of us.

Another thing that you will notice is after a day or two of not having an orgasm, and being locked away your partner will become very horny, and a very horny man is a very kinky man, so you can explore all of your fantasies, and his. Remember for this to work, YOU are in charge, it is about you and your pleasure, don't let him tell you what you want, you tell him what you want. Not to say that you just give him orders and he becomes your domestic servant, that is no fun for him, and won't last very long. But, if you are tired and don't want to do the dishes, just whisper in his ear "Your princess would like to rest while you finish up the dishes." Make it so it is fun for him, if he thinks that doing the dishes will gain him favor in having an orgasm it is fun, if he thinks he is doing the dishes because you think he doesn't do enough around the house it is not fun.

Once he is locked up for a few days he will be always aroused and things that are not sexual normally will become sexual for him, something as simple as you bending over to pick up clothes and him seeing your butt will excite him, let him know that you saw him looking at you, You don't have to call him out and yell "I saw that you horny pig," just look back at him and give him the "I know what you are thinking" smile.

Having as many foot massages, back rubs, and having someone help with your chores is wonderful, but, you also have to do some hard work. You have to keep him excited and interested. I have read about a lot of activities online, some of them are fun for us, some are not. I have no intention of peeing on my husband to humiliate him, or sleeping with another man while he watches, That is ridiculous, and definately not something that interests any sane couple, in my opinion. But, we are very open to trying new things with each other. Trying new things keeps you excited and him VERY excited. I think that being creative is important, maybe the most important thing in a chastity relationship. I would like to cover some ideas I have picked up from reading posts from other keyholders and partners. These are not for everyone, and certainly there are many more ideas out there, but I think it might help some new keyholders to explore what they and there partners enjoy, and can build from.

I think every guys fantasy is to be told to perform oral sex while he is locked up. Definately the most common theme in chastity play. Having the guy finger his wife to orgasm is also very fun. You will find that it is very exciting for you partner and they get just as much pleasure from it as you do. I was always a little squeamish about having my husband do this for me, I had to make sure I was showered and put powder on and sprayed perfume etc. but in talking to Tom I realize that even though your pussy may not smell great to you, it does to your partner. This is also a good time to both tease and compliment your partner, while he is in the act, or just finished tell him that it felt so great that you may not have any reason to unlock him, or, you could say something like, that was good, but you have got a lot to learn, and you are not coming out until you get it right. There is also facesitting, which is very similar, the difference is, you sit on his face with your pussy, and make him lick you, while you gyrate and move, if you have never tried it, it is very fun, his nose makes a great little sex toy! Tom loves it, I think because I am more in control.

I also like to have him lick my asshole, now this I am careful with and make sure I am VERY clean, sometimes I will have him do it when he is performing oral sex, I will just move my ass in his face and tell him to lick my asshole. My husband very much enjoys this, again everyone is different. Part of the excitement is for him to be "forced" to do it. What I mean by that is to squeeze his balls and tell him to lick deeper, or tell him that if he doesn't start getting his toung deeper he is not coming out of his cage. I also will have him do this for me if he seems especially horny and I am really not looking for any sexual contact. I will lay on my stomach in bed, reading or watching TV and have him lick my ass. Again not for everyone, we enjoy it.

Feel free to joke with him and say that you would love to unlock him and let him out to play, but he just had an orgasm a week ago, or just last night whenever, and tell him that he is going to have to use his mouth to satisfy his princess. Make him better at giving you oral sex by explaining what you like or don’t like. Remember that you don’t always have to have an orgasm, if you want to feel his mouth on you for a few minutes that’s fine, tell him when you are done. Make him lick you for a few minutes just to get him excited then have him stop, say “thanks, just wanted to remind you that I am in control” and just smile and walk away.

Stay light hearted, it’s called chastity play for a reason, it should be fun. If you have him do something for you that gets you excited, joke that he made you all wet, and you don’t want to have to walk around with wet panties and have him lick you clean. Or after you have an orgasm tell him you are too tired to go clean up, and you want him to do it. Say things like, “better get that cage back on before you touch my cock without permission” and giggle. Or maybe if you promised he would get an orgasm and you changed your mind say something like, “That’s why I am the princess!” It’s important to not take yourself or your role too seriously. Have fun with it, giggle, joke about his situation, keep it light hearted!!! It’s supposed to be fun! If you act like you enjoy he will feel better about it, if you act like it is a chore he will feel like you are doing it for him and he will feel guilty for having gotten you into this. Make sure that he is aware that you enjoy it, and are enjoying it. You should be the one that is leading and having fun and he will feed off that.

Massages, backrubs, foot rubs, pedicures, manicures, all fun, all go without saying.

Pet names, I think these are very fun, in the bedroom Tom calls me princess, am I a princess? No, I am a 43 year old mother of two who works 40 hours a week at a desk job. Is it fun that he call me his Princess? YES. Some people like Mistress or Ma'am, or Lady or Miss, whatever works for you. I like Princess. Also pet names for him are fun, I will leave that up to you.

Some men like being a little humiliated, this could involve having them wear a dog collar, or kneeling on the side of the bed to perform sexual acts to you, be creative. But remember, always TELL him to do it for you, never say Would you like to? You can ask after if he enjoyed it, if he didn't and you didn't scrap the idea.

Sometimes I will make my hubby wear panties under his normal work clothes, not all the time, but sometimes, just as another reminder that I am in control. Now I have no wish for him to be some kind of sissy, and I am sure he doesn't either, but it is fun to have a little secret between the two of you to share. I will call in the middle of the day and ask if he is comfortable, or at the end of the day when I get home ask him if he enjoyed his panties, it always gets a blush and just another way to get him excited. Again, don't ask if he would like it, tell him he is going to wear them, afterwards if he tells you that he hated it don't do it again. but if you ask him dear would you like to wear my pink thong to work? what is he going to say? When I do have him wear panties I like to giggle a little and tell him how sexy he looks, always gets a little blush as well

Bondage is fun, not the tied to the wall while I whip him with a cat o nine tails bondage, but tieing his hands up while I have him service me, and I tease him bondage. Try tying him to the bed, after a little foreplay then tell him you have something to get and leave him there for a few minutes contemplating what you are doing. Or take it a step further and tell him that he got you all excited and put your panties on his face and leave him to smell how excited you are get a glass of water and let him enjoy the fantasy of when you return.

You can also have him shave, some women like their partners shaved some don’t. I prefer to have Tom shave his pubic hair. It is just another way for me to show him that I put thought into what he does, and I am not just passively along for the ride. I also shave myself it is a little itchy sometimes but I figure if my hubby is going to spend that much time down there, might as well avoid hair in his mouth!

Sex toys are a lot of fun, especially when his cock is locked in a cage. You can get dildos that he can use on you, vibrators, plugs, the list is endless. You can also use them on him. Make him wear a buttplug while he performs oral sex, use a vibrator to get him to the edge a few times, then lock him back up. Many couples enjoy pegging (when a woman uses a strop on to penetrate a man) my hubby and I are in agreement we don't enjoy it, but who knows later on maybe we will try, that’s what’s so fun about this relationship, it opens up avenues to try new things and keeps it exciting.

Take his device off and make him come right to the edge of orgasm if you can’t tell, have him let you know when he is close do this a few times, then tell him you are tired. Have him lock himself back in the device and you can go to sleep assured that all his dreams will be about how much he wants to be with you. Something a little extra is to get a bag of ice, and have it by the bed, and when you are done put the bag of ice on his cock and tell him that you are going to help him get back in his device. Say something like, ‘I knew that you would never be able to fit back in, and I wanted to make sure that you didn’t have an accident, so I brought this to help you.”

Remember that the excitement for him is having you in control. Make sure that you show that you care that he not have an orgasm without you. Don’t leave him in a situation where he could masturbate, even though you no doubt trust him, all you have to do is make a comment like, “I want you to get showered up, but make sure that you don’t touch my cock! I can trust you can’t I?” I have also learned that once a Tom has an orgasm, he seems to believe he has the right to have as many as he wishes! So, once he does earn one, I have him clean up and put his device right back on. Don't let him tell you what he wants you to do, both you and he will be happier if you tell him what you want to do. If there is something that he would like to try by all means hear him out, if it sounds like fun to you try it, if not, don't. Admittedly every relationship is different, and this is our experience, but I hope that it helped. I am sure that if you keep the lines of communication open and you are honest with each other, you will have a great time, and if not stop! Tell him that you are not comfortable, he will no doubt respect that you gave an effort for him.

The one thing I want to restate most is that he asked you to do this because he trusts you, imagine how difficult it was for him to come to you and ask for this. Don't abuse his trust. This is just as fun for him as it can be for you, but if you don't enjoy it, make sure you communicate with each other. He may learn that it was not what he was hoping for. He may have envisioned the Dominatrix wearing 6" high heeled PVC boots whipping him, not the lady he has been married to for years taking control of his sex life. Don't feel guilty, he asked for you to be in this role, it has to be comfortable for you. Above all have fun and be creative!

Even though this was Tom's idea, and I went along with it to please him, it has really been a wonderful journey for me, and I would not trade our relationship for the world. In fact recently the device he was wearing broke and we had to order a new one, I am sure that I was more upset than he was~ I even paid for overnight shipping!

Jess

[Tom Allen]

Personally, I'd be hesitant to trust any chastity advice from someone named "Tom."

[Atone]

Personally, I'd be hesitant to trust any chastity advice from someone named "Tom."

I don't think that is his real name.

[Tom Allen]

Personally, I'd be hesitant to trust any chastity advice from someone named "Tom."

I don't think that is his real name.

I can't imagine that anyone would lie on the internet.

[duckbert2003]

I was just going to post and ask if any keyholders would be willing to write a short piece that I could show to my wife. I was going to ask for something to encourage her to join the forum and maybe even the keyholder group, but after reading your piece I think this is actually better at this point in time.
I just think that this is doing a good job of expressing some of what I want to say.
So thanks for writing this.

[Toms_Princess]

I am glad that it helped, we learned a lot about each other writing it too.

[TwistedMister]

I can't imagine that anyone would lie on the internet.

Of course not! Everyone on the internet is completely honest, and everything you read on the internet is 100% true. To think that anyone might hide behind the anonymity of a keyboard and say something that isn't absolutely factual is...well, *unthinkable*.

Oh, BTW, I've recently discovered the secret to becoming a millionaire by trading penny stocks with absolutely no risk. I am willing to sell the secret to only four other people, for $299.95 each. My system guarantees success. This is a limited time offer so hurry and contact me now, before someone else does and becomes the millionaire instead of you.

Your wife is not going to become a fantasy Domme who spanks you and humiliates you for her own pleasure.

Actually, some may. Mrs. Twisted has made some progress here, and she enjoys it very much.

If humiliating you is a turn on for her, I am sure that you would not be together for long anyway.

It makes her wet, turns her on. Don't be so 'sure', we have 30 years behind us and we're still going strong.

I have no intention of peeing on my husband to humiliate him, or sleeping with another man while he watches, That is ridiculous, and definately not something that interests any sane couple...

Please don't insult those of us who enjoy this sort of thing, we may enjoy some things that you do not but that doesn't make us insane. Different strokes for different folks. Just because it doesn't turn you on, it doesn't mean that it doesn't turn others on.

[luckylocked]

Thanks for posting guys. I showed your post to Mrs K and she loved it. She has been keyholding for 6 months and it really affirmed a lot of things for her. She also told me to say you write very well Jess.

[Cosmo]

Many thanks for posting this. My wife and I have been playing for some time. I'm typically locked and she's glad but we've never gone very far into d/s or teasing. I printed the keyholder section (with some personal additions) and she read it. The response was quick and powerful. I've never been so teased and kept on the edge as now. To be honest, being locked has seemed rather effortless before this. Now I'm not sure how long I can handle it. I'm not sure how all of you who have very active partners make it though day by day. Very intense!

[Aarkey]

Tom & Jess - thank you both for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. Kudos on making it work!