Reluctant Wife

[chastityrandy]

Interesting thread. I've tried everything in my relationship with my wife. I've had a few small successes, but it appears I'm never going to have anything close to what many appear to have here. I'm just going to submit to having a pure vanilla relationship. We haven't had sex in over a year anyway so I guess I've been in a sort of chastity anyways.

Good luck to all of you!

[RegularJoe]

Interesting thread. I've tried everything in my relationship with my wife. I've had a few small successes, but it appears I'm never going to have anything close to what many appear to have here. I'm just going to submit to having a pure vanilla relationship. We haven't had sex in over a year anyway so I guess I've been in a sort of chastity anyways.

Good luck to all of you!

Was it always that way? These things often 'wax and wane' over the course of a marriage. Stress (children, work, health, financial, whatever) is far more damaging to female libido than it is to a male's. I wish you the best, and hope you find happiness.

[SunLocked]

I mean she is a well educated business owner, but for "reading", she just doesn't.

If it is literally about "reading" then you could consider the audio version of Be Careful What You Wish For, read by the author herself. Quite nicely done and with a British accent...

[TwistedMister]

Interesting thread. I've tried everything in my relationship with my wife. I've had a few small successes, but it appears I'm never going to have anything close to what many appear to have here. I'm just going to submit to having a pure vanilla relationship. We haven't had sex in over a year anyway so I guess I've been in a sort of chastity anyways.

Good luck to all of you!

No sex at all for more than a year? Sounds like something more serious is going on there.

Otherwise, a great deal of patience is in order. I've sort of lost track of the years but, for us, it has been somewhere between one and two decades since we started fooling around with cock devices. It began with simple leather snap straps, then a leather and steel device that proved to be all but useless except for very short-term play. It was enough to whet my appetite but for her it was more of a novelty that she could just as easily do without. Sexually, she was more of the submissive sort anyway, though in areas outside of the bedroom she could be quite stubborn and demanding.

My long suppressed attraction to female [sexual] domination had been awakened and I continued to think about it (and buy kinky magazines that I didn't dare to let her see) but it was quite some time before I had the nerve to order a CB-3000. It was a little longer before I dared to show it to her. In my mind I had worked up many elaborate fantasy scenarios over the years but she had practically no knowledge of them.

After a couple of false starts and some communication/interpretation problems our first real go at MC lasted for a month. Although most of the time during that month the reality didn't come anywhere close to my fantasies, the end of it was quite a surprise and did, in fact, come very close to imitating one of them. What made it even better was that I had not told her of it- she decided to do it on her own, and discovered that she did indeed enjoy it.

However, for some reason, the devices were put away and the realities of life kept them in a drawer for some years. Five? A little more? But the seed had been planted and was slowly growing in her mind. Eventually, after a little prodding from me brought the idea to the forefront of her mind again, we had another go. It was much more intense than the previous time (still not up to my elaborate fantasies, which had been growing as well) but it was still an amazing experience with several breakthroughs/discoveries...and lasted for about a year and a half (including an interruption by a major medical issue that killed a dream, and could have killed her, during which fun & games were all but forgotten for a few months and we took a 'time out'). She apparently enjoyed it quite a bit, and after her medical issue was managed and it became less likely to be terminal in the near future, it was her idea and insistence to resume the 'The Game'. It lasted longer than I thought it would.

It kind of ended with a fizzle (later, she told me that she thought I was 'bored' with it, which could not have been further from the truth, though the time was approaching the length that I had specified as a Hard Limit)...but it has been six or eight months since then and she has been saying things that make me think she is ready and *wanting* to do it again.

The point of this, is that it may take much longer than you imagine for her to accept the idea, and then possibly to embrace it, especially if she did not already have kinky, dominant tendencies (however latent and buried). Few of us are lucky(?) enough to have teamed up with ladies such as WonderingWife and RegularJoe's Mrs. (I'm sorry, my brain cramps on names, even those of people whom I have known personally for years), who are naturally(?) dominant and enjoy it to the extent they do. Your fantasies may have a very big head-start over her experience and ideas, and she may *never* catch up (or she could surprise you, and surpass your fantasies).

Once you have planted the seed, all you can do is nurture it and care for it, and see if it grows. You cannot pull on a seedling to make it bigger or you will uproot it and kill it- you can only give it what it needs, feed it and let it grow as it can. You cannot tell it what to become, for that is an inherent property of the seed and it will not change, though with care and patience you may be able to guide it and shape it, and encourage it to become as great as it can be within its natural limitations. An acorn squash will never be a giant pumpkin, no matter how much you may want it to be. On the other hand, you might *think* you have planted a Balsam Fir, only to find that it is really a towering Redwood.

[wonderingwife]

Interesting thread. I've tried everything in my relationship with my wife. I've had a few small successes, but it appears I'm never going to have anything close to what many appear to have here. I'm just going to submit to having a pure vanilla relationship. We haven't had sex in over a year anyway so I guess I've been in a sort of chastity anyways.

Good luck to all of you!

Was it always that way? These things often 'wax and wane' over the course of a marriage. Stress (children, work, health, financial, whatever) is far more damaging to female libido than it is to a male's. I wish you the best, and hope you find happiness.[/

(My emphasis on Regular Joe's post)

It’s always so encouraging to come across men who grasp the realities of being part of a couple and grasp why women might not be “in the mood” and understand it doesn’t mean we are icebergs who don’t have an interest in sex or intend to shut out and “cut off” our partners.

Very rarely is a woman “nonsexual” is it more likely something has gotten in the way of her being able to become aroused and it could be emotional, mental or physical. Randy, have you asked her why she’s lost interest in sex or have you been just trying to “guess” why? That’s not fair to either one of you she’s not getting a chance to tell you why she is avoiding sex and you are probably turning yourself into knots guessing why she is avoiding sex. And as Regular Joe said; wishing you the best good luck finding the happiness you both deserve.

I mean she is a well educated business owner, but for "reading", she just doesn't.

If it is literally about "reading" then you could consider the audio version of Be Careful What You Wish For, read by the author herself. Quite nicely done and with a British accent...

I’m not going to speak for “go where I am told to’s” wife, but for me even having to listen to something is “work” because if I have to think and process and retain whatever is being said to me.

For any man thinking this might be an answer to a partner not wanting to read the book(s) offering her the option of a book on tape is an option but it shouldn’t be forced at her, if she isn’t interested in reading about the topic chances are she isn’t going to be real keen on “listening” to a book she didn’t want to read.

[wonderingwife]

TwistedMister wrote

Few of us are lucky(?) enough to have teamed up with ladies such as WonderingWife and RegularJoe's Mrs. (I'm sorry, my brain cramps on names, even those of people whom I have known personally for years), who are naturally(?) dominant and enjoy it to the extent they do.

The “lucky enough(?)” made me laugh out loud! It is a double edged sword at times.

I think Regular Joe’s wife is Lady Beth ( and forgive me if I got that wrong!!) and I can’t speak for her or other women, but even as kinky as I am, even as as high as my sex drive is I have had times over the years where my sex drive/kinky urges went dormant.

It didn’t “go away” but "life-stuff" had me so mixed up my sex drive and kinky side went dormant. I was fortunante enough in the fact bad dog was always right on top of whatever it was that had me in a dormant state, asking me what was causing it and what he could do to help me get past it. Of course he did it for me but the actions were totally selfless because when I was at that point of course he was “doing without” but his intent was to help me not just to help himself.

Your fantasies may have a very big head-start over her experience and ideas, and she may *never* catch up (or she could surprise you, and surpass your fantasies).

Even with our shared kinky natures, his fantasies and mine are rarely the same, even if it is about the same kink and it takes work to find a middle ground that has both of us content with the way the fantasy came to life. This fiasco we just went through with his newest fetish wish, the chastity play, we are both surprised and thrilled at the fact we did find a happy middle ground considering how messed up things started out. NO he didn’t get what he asked for but he is getting some of what he asked for and he can be happy with what he got and be glad I am content and willing to work with him as best I can or he could keep making us both miserable because he didn’t get it his way. I’m glad he chose to roll with what I had to offer and be happy with that.

[go where i am told]

I mean she is a well educated business owner, but for "reading", she just doesn't.

If it is literally about "reading" then you could consider the audio version of Be Careful What You Wish For, read by the author herself. Quite nicely done and with a British accent...

Thanks for the suggestion, but I think that would have kind of the same effect. Like Wonderingwife mentioned, it's the plugging the brain in stuff that is the hard part. I'm thinkin' patience and continuing to communicate is the answer for us.

Speaking of Wonderingwife.........she has a lot of good insight.

For my wife and I as far as sex is concerned, we go through periods of %$@# like rabbits to periods of %$#@ like (you pick the animal). For guys, we like the rabbit part and seem to exaggerate the time period for the other animal. A couple of weeks can seem like an eternity.

Again, maybe patience and communication......hum?

But yes, I've often wondered what kind of seed I've planted. She's always been a very confident and capable girl.

[wonderingwife]

Go where I am told, thanks but could be more about being a female and knowing how aggravated I can get with my husband when he starts wanting something and can get a little over eager about getting me to do what he wants and to what he wants his way and if it is something of a sexual nature he can get aggravating pretty quick because he seems to lose the capacity to think rationally because of the “me horny, me want more!” endorphins rushing through his system.

Most of the time I can talk him into settling down and hearing me out but occasionally he can fixate on something and he just go silly dumb and won’t be patient and give me time to think about what he wants and determine if what he wants is something I would be interested in. It’s rare for him to be like that, but it does happen and when it happens UGH! And that’s exactly what happened when he latched on to the chastity idea back a few months ago so in some ways I have to deal with the frustration that might happen for many of the women who are with the guys who post here. Just because I am kinky on my own doesn’t mean we don’t have things that cause some rancor between us.

Again, maybe patience and communication......hum?

I know that’s hard to do but it is the nail on the head here and sometimes taking no for answer is all we can do. It’s not a great way to have things end when we want something but that’s just how life is. And the fact it doesn’t turn out exactly the way we wanted it to or expected it to doesn’t necessarily mean we got a “no” answer, it just means our partner did whatever we asked them to do in a way that works for them. Like I said I have a few kinks bad dog has said no to but there are a few he said “I can’t do it that way but I can do it this way” even a D/s relationship has to have some give and take consideration to it or it won’t withstand time.

I’d be truly surprised to find out the chastity relationships that work, that are happy, don’t have a lot of give and take and being able to accept a partner’s limits as to how they want to be the key holder or be a participant ,of any kind in it.

Things calmed down quite a bit for us as soon as bad dog resigned himself to the fact there’s only one way I can do this, I could only adjust to the idea so much but I was willing to attempt adjusting instead of a flat out no and he had to meet me half way or he had to do without my participation. It's actually him showing patience and acceptance with me that makes me want to consider adapting a little more to the way he wants things.

[locked4her55]

I’d be truly surprised to find out the chastity relationships that work, that are happy, don’t have a lot of give and take and being able to accept a partner’s limits as to how they want to be the key holder or be a participant ,of any kind in it.

Pretty bold statement

I guess it's time for you to be "truly surprised" because it has worked for us for over three years now. Our relationship became closer and better because of chastity and it didn't require "a lot of give and take" to make it work.

Happy? Yea, we got that covered.

[wonderingwife]

Take a breathe and chill, you have implied something that wasn't there.

All relationships that are happy, that work and last are built from people who understand that being patient and understanding with their partner wants and needs is give and take.

Did you demand your wife take the key with NO discussion--without hearing her out and how she feels about chastity? Have you accepted her limits or do you set up the limits? Do you work with her or do you demand it be done your way? If you brought up the idea and listened to her feelings about the how and why it would work and allowed her to find a way to make it work for her and enjoy it: THAT’S give and take and it is the very point I made when I commented about how bad dog and I found our own solution, our own give and take.

No relationship works, stand the stresses of being part of a couple in life without some give and take, consideration and patients from each other.