But what do I get out of this?

[locked4her55]

IBefore I go to regroup and spam again, I am going to put lockedforher55 on the spot:

It took chastity and a healthy dialogue between my wife and I to really understand it.

I am going to be really ornery here and re-word that:
It took a healthy dialogue between my wife and I to really understand chastity.
Safe to say it wasn’t the chastity that helped you both understand; it was the dialogue you had to have ABOUT chastity that helped you both understand?

Paraphrasing what seems to be one of the mantras here ( and I think it can’t be said enough no matter HOW it gets said):

It’s not the device that makes us closer, it is the sharing of an interest in the kink that brings us closer.

First of all, Thanks going out to wonderingwife for helping make this such an interesting and popular thread. Over 1300 views in a week with 70+ replies so far. My morning usually started with me checking the local news online. Hell with that. This thread is now my first "click" of the day

I take no offence to you putting me on the spot and your comments got me thinking. I believe you are correct but not totally. I have, like you enjoyed other kinks with my partner. Looking back I was more interested in my pleasure than I was in theirs. I thought that some foreplay then PIV until I orgasmed was good enough. I assumed that their possible orgasm during that event was enough because it was for me. Yes, this chastity "kink" has brought us closer than any relationship before and I credit my wife for not just going along for the ride like she has for the past 20 years of our marriage. She put up with things because she knew it made me happy.

This "kink" made me realize how selfish I was and opened up dialogue as to how I can make her happier, both in the bedroom and out. Now this is not saying all women are this way but what a surprise when I learned that sometimes a good foot rub, back massage, just cuddling in bed till you fall asleep is better for her than sex.

I pretty much always wanted sex in the evening when we went to bed. You know, the old "pop your cork, roll over and fall asleep". I now realize she would prefer it first thing in the morning. It energizes her day. I get text messages after lunch saying "still have a smile on my face". I assumed since I was exhausted after sex that my partner would be too. These are just a few of the things I have learned about my spouse that are a result of our shared "kink" and me wanting to please her.

I remember about a month after I started wearing a CD we were lying in bed and I said "Honey, there's something I need to tell you". I can't remember what I said but I do very much remember her reply. "You scarred me because I thought you were going to say you didn't want to be locked up anymore".

So we are one couples story of how this "kink" is successful. This device locked on my penis for the past 3 years has made a 20+ year marriage better than we could ever imagine.

So to respond to your comments. Yes, we certainly talked in the beginning about chastity but because of chastity we have opened up and explored a whole lot more of what makes us both happy.

[Tom Allen]

I need to go start some laundry, fold some, put some away and wash the dinner dishes that got left in the sink last night. Yes I am a dominant who does laundry and dishes, sorry to disappoint.

But if you locked up your guy, you could dress him in a maid uniform and have him do all that, while you're boinking your boytoy in the bedroom.

I'll show myself out now...

[celticqueens_sub]

The indefatigable Tom Allenesque post... I'm really enjoying this thread... never eaten so much pop corn!

[wonderingwife]

Lockedforher55, thanks for the reply and I’m going to be playing more catch up here, LOL!
(Another reason I gave up cyber-public frolicking fun with people type board posting , it is addicting, hard to walk away from once started! Much more fun than doing laundry and dishes. I spent four hours last night reading old threads. By the time I went to bed bad dog had the whole king sized bed bad dog hogged! I slept on the sofa rather than fight him for a spot!)

I need to go start some laundry, fold some, put some away and wash the dinner dishes that got left in the sink last night. Yes I am a dominant who does laundry and dishes, sorry to disappoint.

But if you locked up your guy, you could dress him in a maid uniform and have him do all that, while you're boinking your boytoy in the bedroom.

I'll show myself out now...

If you are going to insist on making me slobber coffee, I think I may have to put you in the maid’s uniform to clean up the coffee slobbers . (I’ll make bad dog help you but he chews on frilly collars so I’ll just make him help out in complete nudity, since he doesn't have permission to put on a device yet How nice for YOU .)


I hate it when the bad dog one-ups me. He’s following along today and I got a phone call from him a few minutes ago wanting to know if I was winding up to unleash my fury about the negative impact porn might have on some people and if when I did would I also unleash on my contempt and absolute disgust with rom-coms, daily soap operas and erotic romance novels geared toward women and how they are as damaging as porn. I don’t plan to do either because I do have some restraint and a sense of what belongs where.

So heads up, bad dog, this is my promise I won’t go off on that tangent, but I am doing so with a “but -but-but caveat” because some of the things that are being discussed in the conversation relate to the information in the material that is “suggested” as instructive facts and it isn't fact at all, none of it is, it all the opinion of the author.

Fact is there is no right way to bring up any type of sexual conversation with a partner but there are plenty of wrong ways.

[celticqueens_sub]

Fact is there is no right way to bring up any type of sexual conversation with a partner but there are plenty of wrong ways.

If you have a safe and secure environment and know that your partner will not judge you, you can bring up any topic (sexual or otherwise). It took us a long time to develop that amount of trust and it is a really secure feeling, I guess is took us time but it was worth it because you are so right about how wrong t can be done....

[wonderingwife]

First of all, Thanks going out to wonderingwife for helping make this such an interesting and popular thread.

You’re welcome. You guys are a lot easier to talk to then I thought it was going to be, but it’s not me making this thread interesting, it is everyone who has participated; it would be pretty boring if I sat here and talked to myself. I’m so far behind on my “got to get this done list” between this conversation and reading all the older threads I feel like a slacker!

I have learned a lot in all the conversation and it has helped me better understand why my husband acted the way he did. I’m still not happy about the way he went about all this, but I don’t have that small urge to do something I have never done and that is use the whip on him while I am angry. (Really that is not a smart way to play no matter what the stories say.)

He’s always been a “well I have to at least ask” kind of person and I have always been okay with that, in fact I have always encouraged him to open about what he wants when it comes to our sex life, I have just never had such a stubborn fool on my hands once I said I wasn’t interested in. He’s really not used to hearing the words “no” or “I’m not interested” from me. In all the years he’s been asking I have only said no to two things, the cuckold idea and breathe play (breath play scares the hell out of me). He’s asked for a few things that have been things that I hadn’t thought of or things that didn’t appeal to me but we were able to find a way to make it work for both of us.

He has admitted he knew this idea was going to mean some drastic changes for me in order for him to get what he wants. He has admitted (finally, as of last night) he knows he can be a real pest to deal with when we go a few days without having sex. T&D play was part of our relationship before we even got to the point of negotiating a D/s arrangement and it was one of the reasons we did end up negotiating the D/s way of our life and that was his idea not mine. I readily agreed because he was driving me up the wall for more intense T&D and it wasn’t a great time in our relationship. It took us months ( a year really) to get the things smoothed out even with the “agreement” in place; he had a bad habit of pushing for more, so he had a couple of well-earned strikes against him when he brought the idea up. I don't want to revisit that part of our relationship again.

I know him and I know how he can be when it comes to the things he wants and he can get to that “run to the end of his chain until he hits the end of it and snaps back to reality” stuff going and I all I can do is stand back until he hits the end of the chain. He's at the end of the chain now, so now we can talk to each other, instead of talking at each other.

Fact is there is no right way to bring up any type of sexual conversation with a partner but there are plenty of wrong ways.

If you have a safe and secure environment and know that your partner will not judge you, you can bring up any topic (sexual or otherwise). It took us a long time to develop that amount of trust and it is a really secure feeling, I guess is took us time but it was worth it because you are so right about how wrong t can be done....

I hope that in all this conversation the end result with be maybe couples will find a way to discuss this or any kink in a way that isn’t threatening and is non-judgmental. I have to go back to the “I am kink aware” so I wasn’t having to deal with something I didn’t have any clue about when he brought the topic up, I still cannot image, get my mind around what it would be like to not be dominant and to not be kin aware and have any kind of “kinky idea” brought up by him and how much worse it would be if he was going to act like a selfish jerk when he didn’t get his way. He’s always been a pest, he’s never been a complete selfish jerk about anything I say no to be it a kink or just in life overall and I am very thankful for that, I do know how lucky I am.
And I sat here and did it again, my plan was to finish addressing something TwistedMister said then something Lockedforher55 said, but I digressed! That will have to wait until this afternoon because real world duties call!

[gungadn]

gungadn I hope it won’t make you uncomfortable if I put you on the spot a bit, but that has me wondering if you have a partner you are trying to figure out how to talk to right now or if you are trying to be prepared for when that partner is in the picture later on ? I know I am putting you on the spot and I am prying so feel free to not answer the question.

No worries. If I was worried about being put on the spot, I would not have posted. I am married and she knows about my kink. But, she is basically ambivalent about it. So, to make my story short, I am self locked. I wear it when I want, she doesn't care one way or the other. If she wants sex, and I have it on, she tells me to take it off. That much is similar to your situation...

I certainly identify with your situation though as a lot of the comments you have made are similar to comments from my wife over the years. I still distinctly remembering her being really offended once and saying "Don't you want to have sex with me anymore?".

We wont even get into the discussion that society tells girls that "being a tease" is a bad thing and that all men ever think about is sex. Now, you are trying to tell them that you want the exact opposite of what they have been told to believe their entire lives....

So, Thank You... The information you are providing from your point of view I find to be incredibly informative. And, I will certainly be happy to answer (to the best of my ability) any questions you may have.

[TwistedMister]

We wont even get into the discussion that society tells girls that "being a tease" is a bad thing and that all men ever think about is sex. Now, you are trying to tell them that you want the exact opposite of what they have been told to believe their entire lives...

Mrs. Twisted and I had a discussion about that, a long time ago...but, as it turns out, she likes being a 'tease'.

[wonderingwife]

You guys are a tough crowd to keep up with! First thing I need to say: I told him last night he could put one of the devices on today. First words out of his mouth weren’t the best ones: “How long are you going to let me wear it?” Rather than get into a discussion about that, I shook my head and walked away. I’m trying to keep a positive attitude. He’s not even out of bed yet, so we’ll see how it goes once is he awake.

Lockedforher55 wrote:
(Out of sequence)

So we are one couples story of how this "kink" is successful. This device locked on my penis for the past 3 years has made a 20+ year marriage better than we could ever imagine.

So to respond to your comments. Yes, we certainly talked in the beginning about chastity but because of chastity we have opened up and explored a whole lot more of what makes us both happy.

That makes me smile. No matter what the topic is, it is always great to read about couples who managed to make that looked like it might be a problem, turn it into something that works. I know it’s not a popular idea now days, but the truth is a good, solid, healthy relationship takes a lot of work and is a lot of give and take on both sides, even in a D/s relationship, the ones that work and last the long haul anyway, the couple knows even D/s isn’t a sprinkling of fairy dust and they always be on the same page and just working perfect together. (The give and take idea is something that will get someone cyber skinned alive if you dare mention it on a D/s site.) I get so aggravated with the idea good relationships “just happen” and if you have the right partner you won’t have to work at a good relationship.

It’s been my experience when talking to people who do think this way, they have never been IN a long term relationship or they have, but had nothing but relationships that fell apart because they didn’t think it should be any kind of work, that it should just somehow by magic be perfect and they think it fell apart because they didn’t have the right partner or they had a partner who expected them to work at being in a good relationship and they didn’t want to do the work, but they are blind to that fact. It is work, but it shouldn’t feel like a chore or like one is having to give up more than the other is.

I pretty much always wanted sex in the evening when we went to bed. You know, the old "pop your cork, roll over and fall asleep". I now realize she would prefer it first thing in the morning. It energizes her day. I get text messages after lunch saying "still have a smile on my face". I assumed since I was exhausted after sex that my partner would be too. These are just a few of the things I have learned about my spouse that are a result of our shared "kink" and me wanting to please her.

I’m like your wife, I much prefer morning sex and for the most part, not matter when we have sex, I am wide awake, especially if there was some BDSM play in the act. The morning sex part is part of where I see the devices becoming a nuisance for me. I have my preferred ways of waking him up for morning sex and now if he’s in the device, I’ll have to just wake him up and wait for him to get a key and get out of it, so I can do what I plan, we’ll have to see how that goes.

Most of my sticking points with this idea are how much it is going to change the sex life we have right now. Sometimes I feel like a freak around my female friends. I have always had a high sex drive and I’m not ashamed of it; but you’d think I was a crazed nympho by the “sex drive” standards my female friends seem to have. My sex drive has always pretty much been parallel to the bad dog’s so it wasn’t an issue for us and what others think, can’t do anything about that so it isn’t worth getting upset about.

Even as much of a "crazed nympho" as I am, I still have off days, days that sex/kink and all that are the last thing I want to deal with and so does he. We have had a few dry spells in all years, where just trying to find the energy have sex was a challenge between life being really stressful or health problems one or the other has had to deal with. Crap, I am digressing again, need to get some breakfast and regroup and I suddenly have this urge to go back to the first post in the thread and add a notice that this thread could be dangerous to the fantasy aspect of any kinky life style and it is full of plot spoilers.

[locked4her55]

“How long are you going to let me wear it?”

UGH!, Bad, Bad Dog, Time for a Dope Slap.

I have my preferred ways of waking him up for morning sex and now if he’s in the device, I’ll have to just wake him up and wait for him to get a key and get out of it, so I can do what I plan, we’ll have to see how that goes.

First, you should be the one getting the key!

Second, why does anything have to change. Plan ahead and have the key ready so when you wake up you unlock the lock, pull the device off and have at it. Also keep in mind that the "pull off" looks more painful than it is, at least for me when my wife removes my cage. Gee, ya think she was doing surgery or something. Just pull the damn thing off, I'll be fine.

I suddenly have this urge to go back to the first post in the thread and add a notice that this thread could be dangerous to the fantasy aspect of any kinky life style and it is full of plot spoilers.