Loving BDSM

[Kiki]

Hi. I'm Kiki. I'm SFSI (San Francisco Sex Information) trained and used to volunteer answering questions at the switchboard and through the website. ( http://sfsi.org ) I also have over 15 years (yikes!) of personal experience playing BDSM games with partners, in a loving context. (I mean the real thing here, not the fake stuff you see everywhere with models brandishing whips while wearing tiny lingerie and improbable heels, with some man grovelling in the background.) As with MC there are ways to get your toes wet and try things out. Of course it is supposed to be fun!

I see a certain element of power exchange in MC play, and I'm interested in hearing about how that does and does not work for folks.

I've also repeatedly seen folks saying they do MC play but, for them, it isn't BDSM related, and I've seen some curiosity expressed around the whole concept of power exchange, BDSM, etc.

I'm happy to answer any questions, point to resources, or just chat about this stuff.

~Kiki

[Dev]

So, here's an idea for a bit of a chat...

I wrote my conceptual model of chastity (you can read it here: http://devotedlvr.wordpress.com/2010/10 ... tity-dlmc/) and one of the things I proposed is that chastity is a consensual power exchange (CPE) vs. total power exchange (TPE). Thoughts on that idea, Kiki? CPE vs. TPE in BDSM? Or does it only happen in more limited situations, such as chastity? What would be other situations?

Thanks in advance, I look forward to the conversation!

D

[Kiki]

Thanks, Dev, for the question. (I figure I'll post various tips and ideas here too once I get going.)

I would say that 99%(plus) of actual BDSM play going on is what you would consider Consensual Power Exchange, and in most cases it is also temporary. What you refer to as Total Power Exchange is very, very rare in real life. This is often referred to as "Lifestyle" (which is why you've seen me saying "we are not a lifestyle couple" here).

Lifestyle D/s relationships are very unusual in real life (as opposed to fantasy land, where it is an extremely common fantasy). I've seen you and others commenting that you don't want a dependent, a(nother) child, or all the responsibility and work that would come with being totally responsible for another person.

Neither do most people! This is one of the reasons (aside from technical skills) why people pay professionals for scenes. It is possible to book a very long scene but it is expensive and it's still over when it's over.

Many men have a cherished fantasy of being dominated - and it is all about them! They basically want a beautiful dominant woman to fall from the sky, dressed to (their idea of) the nines, cracking her whip and demanding they do all the things they are too embarrassed to actually ask for. Oh, and ideally she should be monogamously inclined - towards them! LOL!

It just doesn't work that way. Kind of like the whole sissy thing... sure, it is some folks' kink. But most real life players don't actually play that way... and even the ones that do probably aren't really Lifestyle Sissies. I can tell you for sure that Lifestlye Dommes are very rare indeed. You have to sit on the couch in your jammies and fuzzy slippers sometimes - and that even includes Mistress Overlord the Invincible!

There is a saying that BDSM play should be Safe, Sane and Consensual. This is the litmus test for reasonable, safe play, and is something of a mantra in real-life BDSM circles. There is good real-world info out there. The first thing to do is to determine if what you are looking at is porn/fantasy or real info. It should be fairly easy to tell.

One of the most obvious differences between real-life BDSM and fantasy BDSM is that those fantasy scenes you see everywhere are really all about mens' fantasies, whereas in real-life BDSM - what I like to call Loving BDSM because it usually occurs in the context of a loving relationship - it is about both members of the couple (or all members of the relationship, for you poly folks).

As with most loving couples, when playtime is over, we cuddle and go to sleep or have a dunk in the hot tub. Then, it is back to life, back to reality. I don't want to call it "real BDSM" because some people do play entirely in fantasy land, but hopefully the distinction is clear.

In either case, both are most likely to be temporary, hence the use of the term "scene" for playtime. I have to admit that it kinda cracks me up to see all the "it's not really BDSM" sentiment in the MC universe, because in a way, you folks are actually lifestyle players!

Although, I can see it both ways (and as with all things in life, it is what you make it). You get to define what it means for you!

Even if I lock Lukus up immediately after playing, we also cuddle up. There is a power exchange, yes, but I am doing it primarily because he loves it. (I get off on it too, and at this point I'm quite into it, and likely to bring it up on my own, but I could also live without it if he got tired of it.) He is doing it because he wants me to play with him this way, but also for my own enjoyment. Very consensual (and just plain sensual) and a truly lovely way to drift off to sleep! This is Loving BDSM, and it is as much about me as about Lukus and his desires. We have to both want it, or it's no good.



I also want to talk about what submission means.

It isn't being forced into what you want, or even what you don't want (but then liking it). That is being dominated.

Submission is about actually subsuming your desires to someone else's. If I tell you I want some hot tea and you bring it to me without delay or fuss, that could be a submissive act, or a simple kindness. Seeing me come in, cold and tired, and making me tea without me having to ask for it is even better. Giving me a footrub (or making dinner) when you'd rather be getting a blowjob... now you're talking!

So I can see how MC play can bring out feelings of submissiveness in men, when they get to that "anything for you, darling" point. Which is not to say that it is automatically submissive... but the two are connected, in my view. Having one's cock locked up is an exchange of power!

I also want to say that it takes a strong man or woman to truly submit. You have to let go of false feelings of superiority, and let yourself be vulnerable. You might also have to face the idea that there is something wrong with what you want (there isn't, but that's not always intuitively clear). When it really happens, it is a beautiful thing - and a true gift to a loving partner.

It is a high honor to me to receive the gift of Lukus submitting to me in any manner. I may tease him but I do not act capriciously and I take his offerings very seriously. When he told me he was giving me his cock, I was amazed - breathless at the depth of his gift. I love and respect him so much! I feel it is a great responsibility for me to properly care for him, and to receive and appreciate the gift of himself he willingly gives to me. Now, that is hott!

I really want to go on about this, but this is getting long, so I'll elaborate more on that topic next time. Plus, practical tips! Thanks for reading my thoughts - I would love to hear yours!

~Kiki

[Tom Allen]

*like*

Very nicely written.

[celticqueens_sub]

I also want to talk about what submission means.

It isn't being forced into what you want, or even what you don't want (but then liking it). That is being dominated.

Submission is about actually subsuming your desires to someone else's. If I tell you I want some hot tea and you bring it to me without delay or fuss, that could be a submissive act, or a simple kindness. Seeing me come in, cold and tired, and making me tea without me having to ask for it is even better. Giving me a footrub (or making dinner) when you'd rather be getting a blowjob... now you're talking!

So I can see how MC play can bring out feelings of submissiveness in men, when they get to that "anything for you, darling" point. Which is not to say that it is automatically submissive... but the two are connected, in my view. Having one's cock locked up is an exchange of power!

I also want to say that it takes a strong man or woman to truly submit. You have to let go of false feelings of superiority, and let yourself be vulnerable. You might also have to face the idea that there is something wrong with what you want (there isn't, but that's not always intuitively clear). When it really happens, it is a beautiful thing - and a true gift to a loving partner.

It is a high honor to me to receive the gift of Lukus submitting to me in any manner. I may tease him but I do not act capriciously and I take his offerings very seriously. When he told me he was giving me his cock, I was amazed - breathless at the depth of his gift. I love and respect him so much! I feel it is a great responsibility for me to properly care for him, and to receive and appreciate the gift of himself he willingly gives to me. Now, that is hott!


~Kiki

This is how CQ and I see it. Pretty much exactly in fact

[poinciana]

Yeah, we two..too!

[Kiki]

Hi everyone. Today I would like to tell you a story... the story of how Kiki got to be kinky.

I was in a happy relationship, and we had been together for several years when my partner told me he wanted me to tie him up and tease and torment him. I kinda didn't know how to take this, but I wanted to make him happy, so I looked into it. I'm big on research. It really helped!

The first thing I realized was that all of this stuff was different on the inside than the way it looked from the outside - the stereotypes were not necessarily true, and in fact, most of them were completely untrue. It's not as scary as it looks! I realized that there was a safe (and sane, and consensual... heh) way to go about it.

I started to read all I could get my hands on. This was in the early/mid '90s so the Internet as we know it barely existed. It didn't have much in the way of actual information (or even porn!) and blogging hadn't been invented yet.

An excellent resource is Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Lovers by Pat Califia. This is a great book to start out with, and if you can only get one, this is the one I recommend. Whatever you do, don't look at too much porn until you know how to tell the fake stuff. Some of it is downright scary.

I also took a class! I was living in San Francisco at the time... I imagine any bigger city with a shop like Good Vibrations would have classes to explore this stuff in a safe, positive environment.

Mostly, I needed to think about it, figure out what it meant to me and how I wanted to play, and get in some practice. I got myself a little notebook and started to record my ideas and daydreams around this stuff there. I know I've mentioned this before. I think this was probably the most useful thing I did in trying to learn about this stuff, because I found it so much easier to come up with ideas when I wasn't standing over my sub, with him looking up at me and the pressure on!

One of the biggest challenges for me was that Mr Kiki wasn't very good at expressing what he wanted except in an extremely general way. "Whatever you want, Mistress" is a sexy fantasy (for the sub) but it also puts the entire burden on one partner... in this case, not even the partner who wants this kind of play! Don't do that to your partner.

The reality of these games is that both partners are responsible, and both actually have control; the loss of control is negotiated. Even if he won't say what he wants, he has a safeword. (This is so you can go, "No! Stop! I'm scared! Ow!" etc etc - which can be really fun - without freaking out the top and having the scene end prematurely.) I like funny safewords, but it should be anything you can remember. "Safeword" is a good default. "Chronosynclastic Infundibulum" is maybe a little long.

I eventually figured out how to get him to spill, but it was frustrating! And really rather unfair to me, I must say. Looking back, I think I spent way too much time trying to intuit his desires before it occurred to me that if I really was in charge, if it was really "whatever I want" that I could simply order him to tell me. Heh heh heh.

He didn't like it very much but he complied. I also required him to make up sexy stories for me, and share things he saw that he thought were hot. And he just had to do it!

So don't worry too much about being the perfect Domme and intuiting his every desire. That's not realistic. Also, since you are in charge, then you want to be sure to do things (and have him do things) that make you happy. Otherwise, just who is the submissive?

(By the way, I am going to go ahead and write about this stuff here assuming a female dominant and male sub, because that seems to be the situation for most folks on this board; of course anyone of any gender or orientation can do any role - and I haven't even gotten into the joys of switching!)

Eventually I found my groove, and then I enjoyed it much more than when I was attempting to pretend that I was this incredibly powerful domme who knew everything (when I was actually shaking in my fetish boots). It can be fun, creative, and sexy as hell. There is a look in the eyes that you will see when someone is actually submitting. It is delicious!

So, nervous dommes, don't give up!

Thanks for the nice feedback! Feel free to ask questions.

~Kiki

[Atone]

An excellent resource is Sensuous Magic: A Guide for Adventurous Lovers by Pat Califia. This is a great book to start out with, and if you can only get one, this is the one I recommend.

by "if you can only get one" do you mean like if it was in print and you could actually get one?

I am slowly getting my wife to do some research in to some of these things. I can give her some information but it is hard to give a broad understanding in the bedroom context and she is generally not interested in talking about it too much when not in that context. I can understand that, it is not what interests her so she is busy thinking about other things. On the other hand if she does ever decide to sit down and do some research I am probably in for some real trouble

I try to be open and tell her what I want. It usually follows with "why?" which is a much more difficult question to answer. This sometimes leads in to what would sound more like a therapy session than a sexual encounter. Usually worth the effort because it leads to better understanding but not always what I am looking for. Sometimes I feel like telling her she is going to have to beat it out of me I don't think that would actually work though.

-A

[Tom Allen]

Kiki gets an upvote for "Chronosynclastic Infundibulum" .

Also, for taking a class (I wish we had a San Francisco in New England).

[celticqueens_sub]

Probably sounds the same with or without a ball gag in!