Re: New to male chastity key-holding ( help)

Post by **Tom Allen** » Mon Mar 04, 2013 2:43 pm

EDIT: The original post by Newbie123 was accidentally deleted.

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First, welcome to the Chastity Forums.

Second, I just gave you access to the Keyholder's group, where you can get more private information from women who have been in your situation.

Third, I suggest that you ignore pretty much everything you've read about male chastity because most of it has been written as wank material to satisfy the fantasies of guys.

And while it's a bit commercial and reminds one of a "Lose Weight Now!" website, do check out Sarah's Male Chastity Blog for some useful information that is not fantasy-based.

Also, take a look at Keyheld. It's a list of blogs by people who are (mainly) vanilla and who use chastity as a way to enhance their sex lives, as opposed to some kind of BDSM lifestyle.

It's probably a lot for your husband to dump on you at one time, but you'll find a lot of support here.

spectre · Post by **spectre** » Mon Mar 04, 2013 4:16 pm

Hello Newbie123,

I respect your willingness to fulfill your husbands chastity fantasy. I agree with everything that Tom Allen said, there are a good number of resources out there. It is also a good sign that you have talked about what your boundaries are. I do understand the difficulty in knowing how to start, especially since your husband has been the assertive one in the past.

I am not sure how your husband wants you to be more assertive. Have you had control of his keys yet? Does he want you to tell him what to do while he is locked up? He has been thinking about this for three years and I would guess his fantasies have progressed further than what you two have done so far together. Do you know his fantasies (what he means by making this a lifestyle)? My suggestion would be to start small by locking him up for short periods of time when you are together and teasing him. I would also talk about how each of you feels after each time you play (I know this is not the sexiest thing, but think of it as training wheels until both of you become more intuitive toward how each other reacts to chastity play).

It takes a while to get used to wearing a chastity device for longer periods of time (and figuring out the right rings and spacers). Have him work through that on his own and ask him about his progress. Once he can wear it for more than a short period of time tell him to wear it overnight or even out in the neighborhood. He may be fantasizing about wearing it for x months straight, but the first time you make him wear it to a restaurant...lets just say the reality is powerful. You can lean over and tell him how you have the key and how he might get out if he is good. Anyway, there is no reason to go from 0 to 200 and rush through the journey. Start slow and find what balance works for both of you. I bet once you get used to having his key, you will feel more assertive (as long as he is not pushing you, and there are ways to deal with that issue).

Post by **TwistedMister** » Mon Mar 04, 2013 4:33 pm

You don't have to jump in all at once, in fact you probably shouldn't. Start slowly, a little bit at a time. He may (or may not) have envisioned you suddenly becoming his Domme since he has been thinking about it for a long time but it isn't likely to happen that way (given what you've already explained). You may not ever become his uber-dominant 'Mistress'. Don't worry about it.

Have fun. Enjoy the feeling of the power he has handed to you. Start with little things, maybe you'd like to have your back massaged every now and then, or your feet rubbed...perhaps you'd like your first cup of morning coffee served to you in bed. You don't have to be mean, though you may [at times] need to be firm. You can even be polite.

"Honey, come here and rub my feet please." Not a request, not a question, politely phrased but still it is clear that it is something you desire and you want him to do it, immediately. While he's doing it (whatever it is you've told him you wanted him to do), or immediately after, tell him that if he keeps doing things like this for you, you might have to give him a little 'reward'...maybe even give his cage and/or balls a little touch or rub and make sure that he is aroused. The hinted at 'reward' is the carrot, and by making sure he becomes aroused you will begin to condition him to become aroused at doing things for you (or reinforce the conditioning if he was *already* aroused).

By conditioning/reinforcing arousal you gain an additional advantage. Arousal is pleasurable for him and increases his desire to please you since you hold the key to additional pleasure (orgasm), and his arousal, straining against the confinement reminds him of this...which may help to increase his desire further. This can act as a 'tease' even if you aren't actually doing anything to him sexually. (Little teases and reminders- a touch, a text message, a hint of 'things' to come (pun not initially intended) will also help to keep him aroused and thinking about *you*.) The more aroused he is (and the more often), the stronger his desire becomes, which increases the power you hold.

poor · Post by **poor** » Mon Mar 04, 2013 5:40 pm

2nd Post on this thread: (Wendy's Games)

http://www.chastityforums.com/viewtopic ... mes#p22645

Post by **LadyBeth** » Mon Mar 04, 2013 9:56 pm

Sweetheart, you don't have to become a dominatrix or even change your arrangement to a 'Female Led Relationship' (personally, that just sounds like I would end up having to do a lot more work making all the decisions). You can just make this thing work for both of you, any way you feel like it. Setting up boundaries within your comfort zones is excellent...those comfort zones may someday expand...or not...but it will be up to the two of you.

See you in the Key Holders' Forum!

Aarkey · Post by **Aarkey** » Tue Mar 05, 2013 10:10 am

Newbie123, welcome to the forum. And I agree with Tom, the great majority of stuff you'll find out there on the web is purely fantasy for guys. Communication with others who are really living the experience is wildly different than most of what's out there.

And a big kudos on reaching out for suggestions. Its very reassuring that you're taking your time with it, and adjusting to being in a device (and being a keyholder) can take time, so please don't rush it. Communication with your husband about how you're feeling, what he's feeling and where you want it to lead can make it a wonderful shared experience.

I created an FAQ for beginners - its mostly mundane tips, but maybe some of the experiences and information can help, plus there are a lot of links at the bottom of the page to other helpful resources out there. http://www.aarkey.info/chas/

Feel free to keep posing questions here, there are lots of good and helpful people on this forum - with lots of experience.

And have fun!

Post by **Newbie123** » Tue Mar 05, 2013 9:18 pm

Thanks everyone for the advice. I will for sure be taking a look at some of the sites and threads that everyone has suggested. As my original post was accidentally deleted I will do my best to try and remember what I said.

What I said goes along these lines: I am a happily married woman with three kids I have been with my hubby for 14 years and married for 8 of them. My hubby has had this fantasy of being in a male chastity device for three years- I just found out about it a few weeks ago. Hence my name

( which i did not know you could not change after a while - so i guess im stuck with it lol- see i have to be more creative haha)I have decided that since the subject did not totally scare me or freak me out ( although it is still a little out there for me i am very vanilla as my hubby says.) we bought him the cb6000 and he has been getting adjusted and used to it for the last few days. Anyways my question is I am not a very accertive or demanding type. I am feeling a little guilty asking for things from him like doing the dishes while i play with the kids or a massage or satisfaction in the bedroom and not giving it in return all the time. And I know that he has asked for this and seems ok with this but I still feel guilty . Just really trying to find out some info on how to get out of my shell and become more accertive ( and not to feel guilty) because I know that I what my husband is craving. I know that not everyone's way of doing it will be for me but any help is much appreciated. I have been given some wonderful resources from the people on this forum so thanks so much ( the Internet stories of outrageous things happening were kinda starting to scare me)I am excited to read about some things with actual truth to them. I am very much a person that researches everything to death. Ok now that I go back and read this it might be kinda different from what I had first written but hopefully it gets the point across.
Thanks again

Aarkey · Post by **Aarkey** » Wed Mar 06, 2013 7:42 am

Newbie123 wrote:Anyways my question is I am not a very assertive or demanding type. I am feeling a little guilty asking for things from him like doing the dishes while i play with the kids or a massage or satisfaction in the bedroom and not giving it in return all the time. And I know that he has asked for this and seems ok with this but I still feel guilty . Just really trying to find out some info on how to get out of my shell and become more assertive (and not to feel guilty) because I know that I what my husband is craving.

Your dilemma isn't uncommon. I have read many similar posts from women who are new to asserting themselves in a dominant role struggle with feeling guilty. Especially if their husband asks them to be "meaner" and include punishment. Many men (I know it goes for me) enjoy being of service to a dominant woman. They want to do things, some of them might be mundane, like the dishes - others might be more exciting, like painting your toenails. Allow yourself time to figure out what works for you. What you enjoy having done for you, what you don't enjoy. Communicate with him, learn what works for him as well. The adoration and appreciation that he demonstrates to you by doing those things, though you struggle with not reciprocating - might be the very things that he is deeply appreciative of.

I know that when I'm in lockup, especially after a couple of days, I start to shift mentally. I feel a consistent connection with my Domme. And I long to show her that I appreciate her in my life. Little acts like doing the laundry become a joy of giving back, a way to show that I respect her authority, her control, and her role in my life.

One thing that my current g/f and Domme is having me do is write a journal. Some days she wants to just write whatever, other days she gives me specific assignments. It helps her to better understand my mindset, and what is going on with me. Sometimes the assignments can be ways to find out what it is he's seeking.

Above all, communicate. Check in from time to time. It doesn't have to be every day, but especially while starting out, its good to have time to sit as total equals and ask him to speak about where he's at mentally and emotionally.

In time, you might very well find that his excitement about being in lockup, makes your freedom to assert yourself something that is very exciting for you too.

Post by **Atone** » Wed Mar 06, 2013 7:50 am

Aarkey wrote:Little acts like doing the laundry become a joy of giving back, a way to show that I respect her authority, her control, and her role in my life.

I agree with what Aarkey has shared, this in particular. Don't underestimate how important some of these "little acts" are. I can get quite annoyed if my wife doesn't let me do some of these things, she is depriving me of that opportunity to serve her (and get my own need met in the process).

scott_848 · Post by **scott_848** » Wed Mar 06, 2013 8:21 am

I have lurked on this board a while and I am someone who is married to a vanilla wife and hope someday to introduce chastity into our marriage.
I've often thought that one way a wife could have this benefit her is to tell her chaste husband to plan a romantic or adventurous date from beginning to end and let him know that if you have an enjoyable evening his chances for release will be greatly increased.
Men can get pretty creative with the right motivation.

I also have to say i'm jealous and hope you both have fun with this new activity.
I wonder if you could share how you "just found out about it a few weeks ago" was it something your husband brought up or something you stumbled upon?

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