Is chastity domination ?

[_lj_]

I get to chastity from a Dominant/submissive BDSM style relationship, not "high protocol" but chastity is one of other punishments such as caning. This involves a Dominant female/submissive male relationship requiring permissions etc.

Whilst a naturally Dominant person, My Lady is not keen on progressing this style of relationship, whilst I would very much like to keep the chastity/orgasm control active on a 24/7 basis, or something approaching that, preferably with tease-and denial involved, as simply being locked is not very satisfying for a long period.

I understand this forum is deliberately geared away from the BDSM spectrum, so that means most of you here use chastity without a Dominant/submissive relationship in the BDSM sense of the terms.

So how do you reconcile being kept in chastity by your female keyholder without regarding her as your Dominant, and vice versa ?

Surely by being required to perform tasks, show good behaviour etc to be allowed release (physical or sexual) you are acting as a submissive, and your partner the Dominant?

Reading the "Keyholder Handbook" some of what I would call BDSM style D/s seems an integral part of keyholding.

So I would very much like to hear your views, particularly to help My Lady and I understand the use of chastity/orgasm denial/tease-and denial outside of a BDSM style D/s relationship.

[Shepherdsflock]

I think your making some pretty broad assumptions about why couples enjoy chastity. Although I do most of the housework, it has nothing to do with our bedroom. I just do it because it needs to be done. My wife is super busy caring for our kids, and I do my part to make sure the house stays clean.

Also, not all of us use chastity as a reward/punishment system. I am perhaps a little unique in that I never had a kink for chastity, nor did my wife. I tried a chastity device because I was desperate to stop masturbating. The timing of it ended up being fortuitous. We were at a very difficult time in our marriage because of my wife's hatred of penetration and intercourse. It has always been painful and horrible for her.

The first time we experimented with making love with me locked up was when she was having her period. I wanted sex really bad, but she told me that she was menstruating. She made the suggestion that I just stay locked and we could do everything else.

Well, long story short, she enjoyed sex more that night than she ever believed possible and it sent us down the road to where we are now. Sex without intercourse or the mess from ejaculation was like a dream come true for her, and I was blown away by how much she enjoyed it. I had never given her an orgasm before until that night. Knowing that I was locked up and there would be no pressure for painful intercourse, she was uninhibited.

As time went on she pushed for permanent chastity and eventually got it. But it's not D/s thing. It's just something that allows us to have a much better sex life. I'm definitely still dominant in the relationship. Not being able to have erections or orgasms hasn't changed that.

[Caged55]

Although I am in a genuine FLR/wife led marriage, chastity is not seen as punishment or discipline, rather a part of our lifestyle in which she is in control, and chastity forms part of her control. I would consider our marriage a D/s relationship, but yet we are not into BDSM, but rather follow FEMDOM guidelines of devotion, discipline, respect, submission, obedience and orgasm control. It's a lifestyle which works for us, and where chastity is a firm part of it.

[Michele]

Although I am in a genuine FLR/wife led marriage, chastity is not seen as punishment or discipline, rather a part of our lifestyle in which she is in control, and chastity forms part of her control. I would consider our marriage a D/s relationship, but yet we are not into BDSM, but rather follow FEMDOM guidelines of devotion, discipline, respect, submission, obedience and orgasm control. It's a lifestyle which works for us, and where chastity is a firm part of it.

Very well put! Chastity for us ifs not at all about punishment or reward, it just IS. We are into a lot of things but the feelings of power and control from chastity and denial (not one in the same) is what I get from it.

[locked4her55]

This year we started down the path (at my request) of a semi-FLR. While maybe not to the extreme as Caged55 has stated I agree with what he wrote. There are for us set parameters and consequences if I violate the rules. Chastity is not a form of punishment for us.

Keeperof55 just read this post over my shoulder and said, that chastity keeps me focused on her.

[LockedTexan]

Chastity is what you make it. Plain and simple. You should not let anybody but yourself and your significant other define what it means to you and your relationship.

In our case, using it as a punishment system would probably cause some resentment and I'd be a total pain in the ass to deal with. As it is, I remain denied just as status quo and am able to enjoy her pleasure as it is meant for both of us. I am allowed out for teasing, etc but our situation is ever-evolving as well. As I said, it's precisely what you make of it. Not defined by a book or an uninvolved party.

[_lj_]

I think your making some pretty broad assumptions about why couples enjoy chastity.

not intentionally

As I said, I come into it at least partly from the BDSM sphere. Personally I enjoy my orgasms and freedom to masturbate being under My Lady's control, I greatly enjoy giving her orgasms whilst I am locked because of the focus on her enjoyment.

I have no interest in the FemDOm relationships portrayed in porn, the grovelling worm male etc, but we have used the FLR for a couple of years but this has become less attractive for both of us (in the BDSM world we are both "switches" and consequently are happy to swap the Dominant and submissive roles, though I am undoubtedly much more submissive and the term Top would apply to me rather than Dominant)

So we are looking at chastity becoming part of our non-BDSM relationship and so I am interested in the motivation, satisfaction and enjoyment etc gained by those of you who don't use the Dominant/submissive roles but do use male chastity.

Thank you for the replies so far, I hope there will be more

[Shepherdsflock]

...I am interested in the motivation, satisfaction and enjoyment etc gained by those of you who don't use the Dominant/submissive roles but do use male chastity.

Thank you for the replies so far, I hope there will be more

Absolutely. I think most on this board are where you are in one way or another.

[sirmebane]

It is for me or at the very least it is about a power exchange.

I would love to have a BDSM relationship with my wife but she really hates the whole tie me up and being in control thing. Really hates it. I have brought this 'need' to her repeatedly throughout our marriage and when she participates it is under duress. Not sexy at all. I want her to want to do it and she just squicks.

When I introduced chastity to her, I assumed it would follow a similar path. Locks/keys, master/slave, yuck... not for me. I was pleasantly surprised when she was open to it. I told her plainly that it fed a part of me that craved a power exchange and it still didn't turn her off.

My winning stroke and what I think sealed the deal and kept this alive where other kink hasn't made it is the bonding that happened. She decides when things happen, I'm ALWAYS interested and eager to do things for her and what do you know, she likes it. She is even growing into what I recognize as a Domme but in the most slight and subtle ways. I'll never hope for a leather clad dominatrix of my fantasy world but she has built some serious confidence over the last few months and she is taking risks and doing things I had long since written off as 'not her thing.'

We are spending more quality time together, we are cuddling, cooing and making the kids worry that something weird is going on and we couldn't be more happy about it.

Is it domination? For me it is, for her it isn't which is why it works so well for both of us. I dare not point out what is obvious to me and maybe not so much to her.

"You don't like tying me up but you locked my cock for a month and told me when I could orgasm, when I would be permitted to give you orgasms and even controlled when I could have an erection. Honey, that's control."

I see chastity as discipline at the very definition of the word.

Discipline: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

Punishment may or may not exist in this world and/or can take much more subtle tones in simply being told 'not tonight' and having no recourse to do anything about it until she's ready.

[sirmebane]

It is for me or at the very least it is about a power exchange.

I would love to have a BDSM relationship with my wife but she really hates the whole tie me up and being in control thing. Really hates it. I have brought this 'need' to her repeatedly throughout our marriage and when she participates it is under duress. Not sexy at all. I want her to want to do it and she just squicks.

When I introduced chastity to her, I assumed it would follow a similar path. Locks/keys, master/slave, yuck... not for me. I was pleasantly surprised when she was open to it. I told her plainly that it fed a part of me that craved a power exchange and it still didn't turn her off.

My winning stroke and what I think sealed the deal and kept this alive where other kink hasn't made it is the bonding that happened. She decides when things happen, I'm ALWAYS interested and eager to do things for her and what do you know, she likes it. She is even growing into what I recognize as a Domme but in the most slight and subtle ways. I'll never hope for a leather clad dominatrix of my fantasy world but she has built some serious confidence over the last few months and she is taking risks and doing things I had long since written off as 'not her thing.'

We are spending more quality time together, we are cuddling, cooing and making the kids worry that something weird is going on and we couldn't be more happy about it.

Is it domination? For me it is, for her it isn't which is why it works so well for both of us. I dare not point out what is obvious to me and maybe not so much to her.

"You don't like tying me up but you locked my cock for a month and told me when I could orgasm, when I would be permitted to give you orgasms and even controlled when I could have an erection. Honey, that's control."

I see chastity as discipline at the very definition of the word.

Discipline: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience.

Punishment may or may not exist in this world and/or can take much more subtle tones in simply being told 'not tonight' and having no recourse to do anything about it until she's ready.