New here, advice and general information.

[hiyaimryan]

Hi Guys,
I've seen this website a few times and have used it for information on people in similar situations, advice on devices etc etc.

Anyway,
I'd like to share some thoughts of mine and let you know a little about myself and my situation, any advice, words of encouragement are all appreciated and would be taken on board.

I'm 23, from the UK, and have been 'into' the BDSM community since I was 18 - legal age in the UK.
I'd like advice on how exactly to find someone interested in an alternative lifestyle - not necessarily a 24/7 D/s relationship, as much as I would enjoy that, I know that it's alot to ask of someone and is a pipe dream at this point.

I'm quite shy, and have had the experience of having a Dominant partner when I was a little younger some years ago, and she wasn't too into it, more-so just trying to satisfying me and it didn't work out. I would probably put the breakdown of that relationship down to that, I believe it scared her on top of her general disinterest in BDSM, and/or chastity.

I'm 23, turning 24, so I am young, and I may very well be over reacting and I'm expecting replies saying 'be patient',' you're young' and others in that direction. But I am very much into BDSM, and when dating I worry that we might click and somewhere down the line I have to come clean, and open up about my sexuality/interests to her, then a repeat happens, and the relationship breaks down.

I was hoping to find here and make my first post a big one, one which will help me, and encourage me with advice on how to tackle this subject.

Could anyone give me some positive words on how to open up about BDSM, my Kinks and Desires to a partner/date/crush (whatever stage of a relationship I may be at), I'm not the most optimistic of people, and I wouldn't say I'm a magnet for Ladies although I'm not afraid to say that I have a very charming side.

The problem is that I don't know how to find someone who shares the same interests as myself, someone who won't be put off when I bring up a topic that's not the social-norm because BDSM is very important to me, and I'd hate to be stuck at a stage where I refuse to talk to the opposite gender because of this matter, but also just run in circles trying to tackle this issue.

Any advice, personal takes on a similar situation from your own side, are all deeply appreciated.

Thank you all,
Ryan.

[Len51]

When I was 13 I grabbed the breast of my friends big breasted sister. I got a hard ear ringing slap across my face for my poor manners. 8 years later I married her best friend. A few years after that, my wife invited her to be my mistress. That lasted for almost 38 years. My wife and her would do the light BDSM stuff but when it was time for a severe whipping or ball busting, my wife would have her orgasm and then leave the room to us.

Neither of them knew anything about BDSM. It was pre-internet and cable TV days. We learned about sex in the street and I never met a girl who was into or knew about BDSM. I had to teach them from scratch and that is the best and easiest way to do it in my opinion. The internet is filled with guys looking for a dominant women. There are very few that do that for free. The supply is much less than the demand. I suggest that the best way is to find a woman who is sexually adventuresome. It is easy to find out if she has any interest while having sex with her the first few times. There are all sorts of ways to do this. You can do so in a joking way to see how she takes it. If she says that is disgusting or something she would never do then drop her like a lead weight. Life is too short to be involved with someone not open to your fetishes. Too many married guy living their fetish online because they settled. Today it is easy to judge their interest. Just rent 50 Shades of Gray.

A lot has to do with you. Do you attract women? Are you outgoing when speaking to women? Do women want to tame you? I always attracted women to me. I had a reputation for being a pervert due to my sexual interests. That kept the good girls away but was a magnet for the freaky girls. I am a firm believer of telling your sex partner what you like. You'll never get what you want unless you ask so no fantasy of mine went unspoken. As a result I have tried more fetishes than many even think about. After I got married, my wife ran into an old classmate. She told her who she married and her classmate replied, "You married that pervert.". True story. Due to this I was always with a girl who was sexually curious and willing to try new things. That allowed me to guide them into BDSM.

My wife was a 20 year old virgin. When it came time to choose a wife I wanted a trainee and that is what I got. My wife had no idea if BDSM was normal sex or not. There was no internet or cable TV to show her. I was able to guide her gradually into BDSM. She also discovered that she was bisexual. She tried wife swapping and being a hot wife and anything else I suggested to her. This is why I tell guys like you that your best bet, other than joining a local BDSM club, is to find someone who is sexually open to new things. Without that you have little chance. So basically met girls in all the places guys meet girls and then see how they respond to roundabout talk about BDSM. See how they react if you ask them to blindfold you or tie you up. After you have had sex a few times you should know where she stands on BDSM. If she is not for it, cut your loses and find someone else. A kink is something you want to do. A fetish is something you HAVE to do so why waste time on someone not even open to the idea. It worked for me and maybe it can work for you. BTW, my wife friend who became my mistress was a school teacher who never even showed cleavage. Yet she was a freak in bed who liked to draw blood with her cane. You never know unless you bring it up. Good luck.

[Michele]

I'm very shortly going to say have you tried fetlife.com to find people into your kinks?

Good luck!

[wishful4]

Any advice, personal takes on a similar situation from your own side, are all deeply appreciated.

Welcome to the forum! Don't really think any of us are qualified to give relationship advice, but I will offer this. A loving relationship comes first. If you make your relationship totally about chastity and your other kinks, you are setting yourself up for failure. When you finally do meet the love of your life, you will know when it is time to share your deepest secrets as will she. Then, if she is game to try some of it, It will simply be a part of your loving relationship. I so wish we had discovered this lifestyle much younger than we did. Best of luck.

[hiyaimryan]

There are all sorts of ways to do this. You can do so in a joking way to see how she takes it. If she says that is disgusting or something she would never do then drop her like a lead weight.

I understand where you're coming from, however I don't think I could be that blunt and harsh. I'm just too polite, and like I said I understand I'm going to trying to cut diamond out of nothing if I'm going in with tunnel vision, looking for a 24/7 relationship, but I would like BDSM to be part of my life; whether it's something as tame as chastity & keyholding, or if I were to be fortunate enough to have a partner invested in their kinks as much as myself to adopt a true, full D/s dynamic.

I'm very shortly going to say have you tried fetlife.com to find people into your kinks?

Good luck!

Thank you for your reply Lady M, I have Fetlife. I do find it hard to spark up a conversation online as some members don't talk in the groups but I find via locale search, however I'd hate to come across as rude if I private messaged someone trying to initiate a simple conversation.

I've messaged a Lady I recognized from a dating website whom I had chatted with and she took it very badly, and asked me to not do it again - of course, I sensed I overstepped a boundary of hers and kept to her wish.

Do you have any pointers as to what groups are better for 'putting myself out there' sort-to speak on Fetlife, as there are a variety of groups for the same thing, some have 20 members, whereas others might very well have 200, but then there's the fact that most groups seem pretty dead and inactive?

Any advice, personal takes on a similar situation from your own side, are all deeply appreciated.

Don't really think any of us are qualified to give relationship advice, but I will offer this. A loving relationship comes first. If you make your relationship totally about chastity and your other kinks, you are setting yourself up for failure. When you finally do meet the love of your life, you will know when it is time to share your deepest secrets as will she.

I understand that, and that's quite a strong fear of mine, I would hate to set myself up to fail by making it all about BDSM. I believe BDSM is much more than just the sexual side, and that's why I worry, because at some point, it may be a few months, or over a year before I open up and try to bleed the kink into the relationship to 'test the waters' but if it all doesn't sit right for my partner, then I'm at square one, and it's already happened a few times which knocked my confidence alot when it comes to finding the right person.

[TwistedMister]

I understand that, and that's quite a strong fear of mine, I would hate to set myself up to fail by making it all about BDSM. I believe BDSM is much more than just the sexual side, and that's why I worry, because at some point, it may be a few months, or over a year before I open up and try to bleed the kink into the relationship to 'test the waters' but if it all doesn't sit right for my partner, then I'm at square one, and it's already happened a few times which knocked my confidence alot when it comes to finding the right person.

I would suggest that you approach it, perhaps obliquely, somewhere near the beginning. There are plenty of ways to indicate that you like it when women are 'strong' and confident. There are plenty of examples in mainstream media that you can use to indicate that you like it when a women acts in a particular manner, and see how she reacts. For that matter, even at the very beginning you may be able to tell a lot about a woman simply by the way she carries herself, speaks and acts (not guaranteed of course). You can't really expect to find your match right away, enjoy the exploration.

[hiyaimryan]

I would suggest that you approach it, perhaps obliquely, somewhere near the beginning....even at the very beginning you may be able to tell a lot about a woman simply by the way she carries herself, speaks and acts (not guaranteed of course). You can't really expect to find your match right away, enjoy the exploration.

Thanks,
So just date, and go with the flow?

[TwistedMister]

I would suggest that you approach it, perhaps obliquely, somewhere near the beginning....even at the very beginning you may be able to tell a lot about a woman simply by the way she carries herself, speaks and acts (not guaranteed of course). You can't really expect to find your match right away, enjoy the exploration.

Thanks,
So just date, and go with the flow?

In a nutshell, yes. There are ways to indicate that you have particular interests, and see how the lady reacts. A movie that contains some element that appeals to you, can be used to start a conversation where you indicate that appeal, and see how she responds. If it gets to the point where she visits you where you live, there might be some discrete artwork featuring some tastefully done BDSM/FemDom theme, that she might see and comment on. You just need to be creative and subtle...usually, as opposed to just saying "Whip me, beat me, take me home"...which might work with some but probably not with most.

Even a woman who appears ambivalent at first, may find she has desires awakening, that she didn't know she had, if it is presented appropriately.

[locked4her55]

Ask her if she's read "50 Shades of Grey"? Then take her to go see the movie.
Now that's a conversation starter.