Is it okay to make deals?

[chickenchowmein]

Recently my wife came to me with a really, really big ask. One that would demand considerable time and money. In the course of discussing it, she said that I could have a very big ask in return. So I asked that my chastity be a much more central part of our relationship, something that we both strive for and put effort into, instead of just something the does for me. I'm maybe not using the right words. I dunno. But I wanted it to be a much bigger deal to her. There. That's it.

So... is it okay to make deals like that? Is it a good idea? All thoughts and opinions welcome.

[Chosen_Jackal]

I’m not sure I’d go down this route. If your wife feels obligated to take chastity and her role as key holder to the next level, but at the same time not being really into it, I think there’s a good chance for resentment to grow.

I know that chastity means more to me than to my partner, but she’s found the things she enjoys and get out of our relationship. I would feel bad if she felt obligated to do things she wasn’t really into.

[chickenchowmein]

See, that's what I was afraid of. But she put me on the spot, so I opdned my mouth and that's what came out.

[Chosen_Jackal]

It’s never too late to clarify and communicate further. Let’s hope she’s agreeing to at least see things more from your perspective without feeling forced or obligated.

[Sam3655]

Got to agree with Jackal. Chastity is a journey for two people but each person does it at their own pace. Pushing your wife to take on more than she is ready can kill this trip. At one point my wife handed me her wedding ring telling me she can’t give me what I wanted. It’s been two years and she is more into it but it has to be on her terms and acceptance.

[Tongue+groove]

Sounds like your lines of communication are improving. If you retract your request maybe you should ask her what she thinks would be a good exchange.

Or maybe you just oblige her request because you love her. If you do, she may be more in tune to reciprocating with her own creativity in her time.

[CT_locked]

I agree with the sentiments above. Making chastity a transaction, especially as a quid pro quo for a financial commitment is probably not a good idea in a marriage. BUT, you might have opened up the opportunity for a fantastic discussion. You can say (honestly) that you regret your comment that mixed sex with the other issue, and that there is no need for an equivalent transaction. But that then allows you have a solid discussion on where you’d like chastity to fit in your life, and that allows her to have her own agency in her commitment. Wherever she lands it’ll be better than her doing so out of obligation, which likely leads to resentment.

[TwistedMister]

So... is it okay to make deals...

I'm going to disagree with the majority and say that deals are fine, if your other half is willing to give it a try unbegrudgingly. I have made a few 'special requests' as 'gifts' rather than a material item on some occasions. When Mrs. Twisted agreed, we found that trying some new things was not a bad thing, and she learned that she liked some of them. We also learned that she sometimes likes to throw in some new things that I *didn't* request...and that it excites both of us.

'Deals' can be good learning experiences if approached correctly.

[lockedforfun]

"Deals" are fine, because they're just communication. People get a little wrapped around the axel about "transactional sex" in a relationship, but that's a rather sad way to think of a marriage. You each do things for the other because you love your spouse and want to make them happy. This thing your wife wants, you're not doing it because she agreed to be your keyholder, you're doing it because it will make her happy and that - because you love her - makes you happy. The other "deal" - about her putting more effort into being a keyholder - should be the same thing. She's not doing it because you're doing whatever this other thing is, she's doing it because it makes you happy. They are in fact, two separate 'deals'.

The only linkage is that she used the opportunity of letting you know what you could do to make her happy to also make sure you knew she wanted to do something to make you happy.

[Therainking]

See, that's what I was afraid of. But she put me on the spot, so I opdned my mouth and that's what came out.

Deals are fine, but they can also lead to unintended consequences. So please make sure you continue to communicate clearly and openly. Its absolutely fine too go back and clarify things you said, especially if you didn't have much time to think about them at the time