Dev's Conceptual Model of Chastity

[Dev]

Jimi, I am wondering if you are a "shower" not a "grower"? My husband is definitely a grower (actually, lately he's more like a shrinker, LOL) but from my naturist life, I have seen a few showers. The growers are definitely more common though. But you may a member of the more exclusive shower club.

(Note that is pronounced show-er and is not the place where you bathe in the morning. LOL).

D

[Jimi123]

My problem (Nice to have) is that flacid there is a lot of me. I also have a pretty healthy pair that hang high and the combo makes the "fit" difficult. But... After reading thumpers great tips and tricks for the CB6000 (Which I think should be put in the Box with the Curve etc) he states that some discomfort at first is likely and regular wear should make it easier.

One think I think I like about this is the idea that you can gain a little slack in the scrotum. "Shrinking" penile wise doesn't appeal even a tiny bit however!

I've been reading your blog and I like very much the women's point of view. One issue in our relationship is that my wife is not very vocal about what she needs, wants etc. Part of the big appeal is the idea that this might help change that.

I think I'm getting that we are coming in from this at a far different angle then many of you. You guys are dealing with lots of male masturbation and that (I think) is one problem that MC can really do an excellent job of fixing. I am not an anti male masturbation zealot but I don't do this because I much prefer sex with my wife and I know I'm limited. For the relationship aspect of this I think that the people who post how this can rewire male "attitudes"? I'm not a shrink but I think I buy this 100% I may not know my wife but I DO know me. Where I see you guys going with this (And Sarah John, Thumper etc) still does confuse the hell out of me.

Would you say (Sorry - very personal question) that male orgasm / Intercourse is an activity that you don't really like very much? I have this idea that its possible that in many couples minds the man thinks this is what he wants and the women suffers through it to make him happy?

Thus... Once a guy does have his cock locked up and the wife safety has the key the sex turns to men doing (lots) of oral sex. Again, the idea being that this what the women honestly wants?

Then there is this (Big Picture) slow process of making the man happy doing this (or other female centered sex like strapon sex, vibrators etc) at the exclusion of male centered sex (Intercourse, blowjobs, handjobs etc)

I have this really dangerous idea that it might be possible to find a more happy medium...

Anyway, VERY curious if this is where your coming from or if this sounds even remotely right.

Thanks - Jimi123

[likes2blocked]

As I think I posted somewhere else here, one of the benefits we've found is that it just changes the whole game. We were both too eager to get to the happy ending, and so ended up missing out on a lot. My wife absolutely enjoys penetrative sex - so much so that under ordinary circumstances, she would just want to jump to the ending. With this, we're _both_ forced to take more time and explore other techniques.

Something else to consider is that now it gets to be on _her_ terms, and this has a serious benefit. She doesn't feel pressured, and we end up having a lot more sex. Interesting how changing the game just puts everything in play, and allows a lot more changes.

We were talking about this Sunday - we feel like it could have been possible for us to discover this level of fantastic sex without chastity play, and feel like it is a shame we didn't. But we can't go back, only forward.

In terms of finding a happy medium, that's what its all about - figure out what is fun for you and your wife, and expect this to change over time. It won't change either of you overnight, but it may well result in significant positive changes over longer periods - and I don't mean just the time spent locked up. We did this off and on for quite a while - we both needed to be able to adjust to the whole idea, etc.

[Dev]

Great questions, Jimi. Let me see if I can answer a few of them from my point of view.

Would you say (Sorry - very personal question) that male orgasm / Intercourse is an activity that you don't really like very much? I have this idea that its possible that in many couples minds the man thinks this is what he wants and the women suffers through it to make him happy?

I think my husband certainly enjoys intercourse and I do too (it wasn't a suffering occasion for me most of the time but to be honest, it wasn't perfect 100% of the time, either). The problem is that for many couples, including us, intercourse becomes the equivalent of sex, especially when you are in the "it's a weeknight and we're feeling horny but we don't have time to break out all the toys" situation. "Big" sex was a once a month event and intercourse was the sex we had all the other times. By taking intercourse off the menu (so to speak) we are finding we have lots of sexual encounters, many of them very brief, but most of them very satisfying.

Thus... Once a guy does have his cock locked up and the wife safety has the key the sex turns to men doing (lots) of oral sex. Again, the idea being that this what the women honestly wants?

I was thinking about this this morning in terms of a potential blog post. If a woman really hates oral sex, then really, chastity may not work for her. Because, as noted above, if intercourse is not occurring, then other things need to occur: stimulation with fingers, tongue, vibrators, and so on. If a woman hates that then, that may be a problem.

Thinking about me, I never had super-strong feelings one or the other. But I think that what I always felt was that oral sex was rushed. It was the prelude to the bigger thing (intercourse) and thus never got the attention it deserved. Now, that has changed and for the better. I am also learning to slow myself down and enjoy the sensations and feelings. I will admit, I was part of the "rushing to intercourse" problem because I thought that's what my husband wanted.

One thing that is incredibly interesting to me (and I am loving!) is that he is becoming very possessive of my pussy. Just like I "own" his cock, he is acting like my pussy is his special property to play with and take care of. Last night he asked me what time I thought I'd be home from work today because he wanted to plan a pussy shave and massage for me (!). How cool is that? He's been shaving it on and off for years but never really acted like he particularly cared one way or another. But now, if he wants to put all his attention down there and put his tongue on my clit, I am certainly not going to argue!

Then there is this (Big Picture) slow process of making the man happy doing this (or other female centered sex like strapon sex, vibrators etc) at the exclusion of male centered sex (Intercourse, blowjobs, handjobs etc)

Change your thinking from "male" centered and "female" centered. Make it couple centered. It's all about the two of you giving and receiving mutual pleasure. Yes, men might be "hard wired" with certain attitudes that need some changing, but women are too. Together, you can work towards that mutually satisfying place.

If you read my blog this weekend, you saw I did a little mental exercise with working on a "contract." Reading various examples here and there, I realized I did not get turned on or excited about the contracts that said things like "Wife can demand that husband service her to orgasm at any time and in any place when she requests it. Husband must comply." Sorry, that's not my worldview. Yes, Ab is not having orgasms but I think he is still deriving great pleasure and satisfaction from our "new type" of sex which we are creating between us.

D

[Jimi123]

As I think I posted somewhere else here, one of the benefits we've found is that it just changes the whole game. We were both too eager to get to the happy ending, and so ended up missing out on a lot. My wife absolutely enjoys penetrative sex - so much so that under ordinary circumstances, she would just want to jump to the ending. With this, we're _both_ forced to take more time and explore other techniques.

Something else to consider is that now it gets to be on _her_ terms, and this has a serious benefit. She doesn't feel pressured, and we end up having a lot more sex. Interesting how changing the game just puts everything in play, and allows a lot more changes.

We were talking about this Sunday - we feel like it could have been possible for us to discover this level of fantastic sex without chastity play, and feel like it is a shame we didn't. But we can't go back, only forward.

In terms of finding a happy medium, that's what its all about - figure out what is fun for you and your wife, and expect this to change over time. It won't change either of you overnight, but it may well result in significant positive changes over longer periods - and I don't mean just the time spent locked up. We did this off and on for quite a while - we both needed to be able to adjust to the whole idea, etc.

Wow! What a great message. This is really more of the sort of thing I've been hoping was going on out there. You are so on with the lets just get to intercourse part of things. Believe it or not its not me pushing that either.

Doing this on her terms is a great point and one that makes this appeal to me because I'm kind of clued out at guessing and not knowing and she is not vocal. Maybe this won't work because of that but I would like to give it the Collage Try!

[Jimi123]

Great questions, Jimi. Let me see if I can answer a few of them from my point of view.

Would you say (Sorry - very personal question) that male orgasm / Intercourse is an activity that you don't really like very much? I have this idea that its possible that in many couples minds the man thinks this is what he wants and the women suffers through it to make him happy?

I think my husband certainly enjoys intercourse and I do too (it wasn't a suffering occasion for me most of the time but to be honest, it wasn't perfect 100% of the time, either). The problem is that for many couples, including us, intercourse becomes the equivalent of sex, especially when you are in the "it's a weeknight and we're feeling horny but we don't have time to break out all the toys" situation. "Big" sex was a once a month event and intercourse was the sex we had all the other times. By taking intercourse off the menu (so to speak) we are finding we have lots of sexual encounters, many of them very brief, but most of them very satisfying.

Thus... Once a guy does have his cock locked up and the wife safety has the key the sex turns to men doing (lots) of oral sex. Again, the idea being that this what the women honestly wants?

I was thinking about this this morning in terms of a potential blog post. If a woman really hates oral sex, then really, chastity may not work for her. Because, as noted above, if intercourse is not occurring, then other things need to occur: stimulation with fingers, tongue, vibrators, and so on. If a woman hates that then, that may be a problem.

Thinking about me, I never had super-strong feelings one or the other. But I think that what I always felt was that oral sex was rushed. It was the prelude to the bigger thing (intercourse) and thus never got the attention it deserved. Now, that has changed and for the better. I am also learning to slow myself down and enjoy the sensations and feelings. I will admit, I was part of the "rushing to intercourse" problem because I thought that's what my husband wanted.

One thing that is incredibly interesting to me (and I am loving!) is that he is becoming very possessive of my pussy. Just like I "own" his cock, he is acting like my pussy is his special property to play with and take care of. Last night he asked me what time I thought I'd be home from work today because he wanted to plan a pussy shave and massage for me (!). How cool is that? He's been shaving it on and off for years but never really acted like he particularly cared one way or another. But now, if he wants to put all his attention down there and put his tongue on my clit, I am certainly not going to argue!

Then there is this (Big Picture) slow process of making the man happy doing this (or other female centered sex like strapon sex, vibrators etc) at the exclusion of male centered sex (Intercourse, blowjobs, handjobs etc)

Change your thinking from "male" centered and "female" centered. Make it couple centered. It's all about the two of you giving and receiving mutual pleasure. Yes, men might be "hard wired" with certain attitudes that need some changing, but women are too. Together, you can work towards that mutually satisfying place.

If you read my blog this weekend, you saw I did a little mental exercise with working on a "contract." Reading various examples here and there, I realized I did not get turned on or excited about the contracts that said things like "Wife can demand that husband service her to orgasm at any time and in any place when she requests it. Husband must comply." Sorry, that's not my worldview. Yes, Ab is not having orgasms but I think he is still deriving great pleasure and satisfaction from our "new type" of sex which we are creating between us.

D

Wow... ANOTHER really great message. Sorry to gush but I have been reading random "Google Male Chastity" sites and some of them just make my hair stand on end and I think (What the hell am I thinking?) Then you guys post and I think where is the "device?"

Couples centered sex sounds great. I also appreciate what your saying about oral sex because one of the first things that my normally silent wife has said is that she really likes what I do (oral wise) and wants me to do much more of that.

I don't know if your husband is like me so take this all with a grain of salt. Shaving the pubes. I saw a post by some woman who thought this was gross and was some kind of kink for people who dig pre-adult looking pubes. SHUDDER..... So... NOT.

For me there is the practical. Pubic hair stuck between the teeth or swallowed are just not very "hot" Having someone who is "into" oral sex and will do this is VERY hot. Anyway kudos to Ab and I wish I was brave enough to do this for my wife rather then just ask her to do this herself.

Re: The new type of sex between you. Well here is where I flaunt my total inexperience and ignorance. I certainly can appreciate the additions to what you do and for how long you spend doing it in the bedroom but I still think the elephant is in the bedroom when your guy doesn't climax at all for long periods of time.

I saw some blog where a couple (Secret husband?) that practice male chastity had a "honeymoon weekend" and wow did that sound hot. It seemed to include lots of more "vanilla" intercourse.

One thing I would really like to say (And admit) is that intercourse can become damn boring. The Jump on and lets get this over with is not "it" for me either.

[likes2blocked]

Doing this on her terms is a great point and one that makes this appeal to me because I'm kind of clued out at guessing and not knowing and she is not vocal. Maybe this won't work because of that but I would like to give it the College Try!

That's one aspect that won't happen over night. It will take time for her to get used to really letting you know what she wants. One of the other things that we've found helps about this is that it gets us talking about sex, better communication leads to better sex, better everything.

Couple of things to think about - be patient. Also, give her space to talk and let you know what she wants. Do a lot of listening to how she feels, don't drown it out with "OMG, I'm SOOOO horny" - which may be natural, but doesn't draw her out.

[Dev]

Wow... ANOTHER really great message. Sorry to gush but I have been reading random "Google Male Chastity" sites and some of them just make my hair stand on end and I think (What the hell am I thinking?) Then you guys post and I think where is the "device?"

The device is on and locked. If you go back to the very beginning of my blog, I wrote a post where I said, these are the things that are NOT going to happen and then listed the "hair stand on end" stuff (sissy, femmy-guy, slave, etc). You are right, you don't have to dig very deep with google to get to the stuff that that makes my skin crawl. Just keep reminding yourself that for you, and me, and I think most of the people here that chastity itself is the experience and process, rather than being one tool in a larger process (turning your guy into a slave, eg). I am not into punishment, degradation, or humiliation and I don't use chastity as part of doing those things to my husband, because I am not doing them. That's one of the reasons I am not crazy about the phrase "orgasm denial" because denial has negative connotations. What we are doing is not negative. What we are doing is delaying one type of gratification (ejaculatory male orgasm) as a way to enhance our mutual shared pleasure. As others have noted, and I agree, having the man come often became paramount in a sexual encounter to the exclusion of the other kinds of satisfactions. By taking it out of the equation, it allows the other satisfactions more room to grow and bloom.

I don't know if your husband is like me so take this all with a grain of salt. Shaving the pubes. I saw a post by some woman who thought this was gross and was some kind of kink for people who dig pre-adult looking pubes. SHUDDER..... So... NOT.

In my naturist life, I became very aware, for the first time, of people who like to do creative things with their pubic hair. Face it, if you are not wearing any clothes, there's not much else to dress up and play with. Lots of people, including me, were into the smooth look just because it looks nicer (I think--and it feels pretty damn good, too). Have you ever seen guys with gray-streaked scraggly pubic hair? Yuck! Shave it off, please!

For me there is the practical. Pubic hair stuck between the teeth or swallowed are just not very "hot" Having someone who is "into" oral sex and will do this is VERY hot. Anyway kudos to Ab and I wish I was brave enough to do this for my wife rather then just ask her to do this herself.

You are absolutely correct. It is more practical. A smooth pussy will feel better for you and her. Why aren't you brave enough? Just do it. Make it an event. Say, "Honey, I want to do something special for you...a little spa treatment" and then do it.

Alternatively, if you are going to ask her to do it herself, give her a gift certificate to a spa ---I say this with a caveat because the one time I had my pussy waxed it was a complete and total disaster with ingrown hairs and little red bumps that took more than a year to clear up. This is why Ab does the shaving even though it grows in fast and can be a little prickly (and itchy, the first few times. But the more you shave and the neater you keep it, the less that itching is a problem).

Re: The new type of sex between you. Well here is where I flaunt my total inexperience and ignorance. I certainly can appreciate the additions to what you do and for how long you spend doing it in the bedroom but I still think the elephant is in the bedroom when your guy doesn't climax at all for long periods of time.

See above. He is learning that he doesn't need to climax. He can still feel really good without out it. Gratification delayed makes the payoff, when it comes, that much sweeter. Think of Christmas. When you were little and there were presents under the tree, I bet you begged your mother every single day to open the presents and she always said no, right? Finally Christmas came and Hallelujah! Present time! But what if your mother had said yes and let you open a present every day and then you got to Christmas and there was nothing left. How would that have felt? Wouldn't you be a little annoyed that your mom didn't hold firm to wait until Christmas day? Same idea.

It seems to me, Jimi, that this is one of the concepts about MC that you are really struggling with (and I can understand that). Think back to one of your comments about men being "hard wired" to do things a certain way. I think you are "hard wired" to think that men *must* ejaculate as part of their sexual experience. Without ejaculation, there is no satisfaction. But, there are plenty of men here who will tell you, that's not true. There is plenty of satisfaction without ejaculation. So I think what you need to do is try to unplug that hardwire from your brain and work on enjoying the MC experience.

I saw some blog where a couple (Secret husband?) that practice male chastity had a "honeymoon weekend" and wow did that sound hot. It seemed to include lots of more "vanilla" intercourse.

I did sound hot and it did seem to include a lot of vanilla intercourse but the weekend also came after a period of denial that lasted quite awhile (I believe). Weeks if not even a month or two. And kelmag (secret husband) admits that his wife can be pretty vanilla in her desires although he also says she has made great strides in recent months. But he is also responding to her cues and going where it is comfortable for her and at a speed that is also comfortable for her.


D

[likes2blocked]

Dev wrote:
You are absolutely correct. It is more practical. A smooth pussy will feel better for you and her. Why aren't you brave enough? Just do it.

Because if you nick her, there will be much unhappiness. Plus, many people don't do well with shaving - those bumps and ingrowns you get from waxing are what some people get from a shave. And then it will itch like hell growing out.

What we've hit on that works well is a man's personal grooming kit. You can adjust it to leave almost nothing, or you can get it down to just a little fuzz. I like this, as I hate stubble, and I especially do not like having my face bristled while I'm giving oral sex. This way, there's no danger of anyone getting nicked or razor burn, no ingrowns, no itchies, and no pubes in my mouth. Win, win, win.

I think you are "hard wired" to think that men *must* ejaculate as part of their sexual experience. Without ejaculation, there is no satisfaction. But, there are plenty of men here who will tell you, that's not true. There is plenty of satisfaction without ejaculation.

I want to pile on here - it's been a while right now - 6 weeks - keyhldr played with me a bit this morning, and had me just spinning with pleasure. So it wasn't that sharp few seconds of over the top, but it was _really_ amazing, AND it can go on for a really long while - tens of minutes. Never had my body do this particular trick, except when doing chastity play (probably get to the same thing with Tantra if you knew what you were doing). So there's some serious satisfaction going on, and you don't have to have an orgasm to have a LOT of fun.

In fact, not having one for a while can lead to some amazing fun that you won't have any other way.

[Dev]

Because if you nick her, there will be much unhappiness. Plus, many people don't do well with shaving - those bumps and ingrowns you get from waxing are what some people get from a shave. And then it will itch like hell growing out.

What we've hit on that works well is a man's personal grooming kit. You can adjust it to leave almost nothing, or you can get it down to just a little fuzz. I like this, as I hate stubble, and I especially do not like having my face bristled while I'm giving oral sex. This way, there's no danger of anyone getting nicked or razor burn, no ingrowns, no itchies, and no pubes in my mouth. Win, win, win.

Good suggestion. The point is (this is directed to Jimi) it might take some trial and error, but there are ways to get that smooth look which will be comfortable for your wife. And the reason you want that is NOT because you are a dirty old man with a pre-adolescent bare-pubes fantasy but because you are a red-blooded male who likes oral sex without of mouthful of hair.

In fact, not having one for a while can lead to some amazing fun that you won't have any other way.

And that's a lot of the whole reason we are all doing this, right?

D