This is a legitimate question and one that I have trouble answering. If I had a good answer I would probably already posted it. Since you asked maybe it’s a good time to come to grips with myself about it.. How does this make you feel?
The variables involved are:
My drive is much higher than hers, hence all the diy.
I have committed to stopping, therefore the cage experiment that has become the norm.
Piv can be uncomfortable for her, something we both have learned.
As good as our oral sex life was in the past it’s even better now, for her. I would rather give than receive for sure.
If she takes me out for play time the best I can expect is to dribble.
If I get piv I have to cum fast. So fast that the stress causes me to fail. When she is done she pushes me out and one of two things will happen.
1) too bad you lose, lockup.
2) she says finish yourself for me. And she watches intently or ignores me. Both are a rush.
It’s in those words “finish yourself for me” that I become almost primal. In my mind it’s something that I do for her and not for me. So much of the pleasure that comes from self indulgence is lost. It’s like I’m doing my duty for her. Like washing the dishes. I get to take care of one of her chores, I get the benefit of clean dishes (flushed prostate) but there’s no deep rooted joy in savoring the act itself.
Ultimately I think masturbation is considered a personal and private act. Maybe that’s why she doesn’t give me a show very often. But when I’m on stage for her I become exposed, vulnerable maybe desperate. It’s an exercise in the power she has over my mind and my desires. It’s a reminder that I’m violating my commitment, but it’s because she wants me to. It becomes a dirty act. Sometimes she reminds me of that afterwards. Sometimes during the duty she says thing such as:
Does it feel good to touch yourself? How fast can you cum? You don’t have time to get oil, just spit on it like you’re desperate.
The woman who holds me in high esteem in public has a way of degrading me in private. For some reason I need it. One of my favorite degrading comments was afterwards when she said, “that was disgusting, clean yourself and don’t touch me.”
Who knows maybe it’s her way of reminding me why we do this.
Not sure if I answered the question but in a nutshell, it makes me feel ……confused, degraded, honored, loved and all warm inside that she will do this for me.
Life is good.
P.s. I understand that not all kh’s feel like my wife. Most think self indulgence is not permitted. But just think about if that was all that was permitted and at the kh’s discretion. That may be the benefit of her not reading here, she creates her own take on the kh position.
Thanks for asking your question.
