LOL-Yes you may.Can I be the one to point out that he has behaved like an ungrateful brat over this.
Tom Allen wrote:
Jeez, I sound like I'm describing how to train a dog.
I feel like I am training a dog some days. Let just say he’s a big dog, a very cute dog, but not the brightest dog and tends to be a deaf dog (or suffers from acute deliberate selective hearing/reading) when it comes to the fantasy side of his brain. Sometimes I have to just let him run until he hits the end of his chain and gets snapped back to reality. He’s back in reality now. Even after last night’s conversation it still has no appeal to me, but I understand better now what was behind his thinking when he brought it up and I didn’t shoot the idea down completely.
(I am quoting some parts of Tom Allen’s posts and they may be out of sequence from where they were in the postings.)
Tom Allen wrote:
(last line my emphasise)Okay, you're probably aware that when you have a kink, it just doesn't go away by itself. Sometimes you need to play with it for a while, and when you see that the reality isn't what you expected, then it evaporates. Other times, you discover that you're really into it. The trick is to find a way to make it work for the both of you.
That’s been the way of everything in our life, we discuss then work to find a way it works for both of us or it doesn’t become part of us. It is why this was frustrating me to the point of madness; he was so obsessed with getting it all the way he wanted. In order to keep this post from turning into a novel, I am going to boil six hours’ worth of conversation down to the basics.
Tom Allen wrote:
This was a good part of an hours’ worth of talk.Another thing: a lot of guys get hung up on schedules. They want to be locked up for XX days, or they like to play a dice game in which it's randomly determined how long they stay caged. For perspective, Mrs Edge calls bullshit on that. In her mind, if *she* is in charge, then it's *her* call on how long I'm denied. A schedule, a point system, a random dice roll takes the choice away from her. Most of the time she doesn't even have a length of time in mind.
I told him if he wants to wear the devices he can but when I say it comes off and it’s off before I am ready to have sex and I don’t want him wearing them all the time. I don’t want to get caught up in the “but I need to go “X” days before I take it off, for me, that smacks of a power struggle in the making. I don’t do power struggles. If he wants to fight me for power, then our D/s arrangement is D.O.A. When I say off, it comes off, no arguments and if I ask him to leave it off, it stays off. No trying to bargain for more time in lock up, no trying to game me into letting him have his way.
That conversation rolled into this
Tom Allen wrote:
We did discuss the “but if you do this with me, I’ll be a better husband” and he said he didn’t even consider how that would come across, it was something that was suggested in some of the reading he had done on how to bring the topic up, it was a good starting point, according to whatever it was he read. I have a good idea of where it came from and suffice to say the site it came from was one of the more irksome sites he asked me to read. It might be for some but for me it wasn’t.Some of us disagree on whether wearing a device actually *does* make us nicer. My own take is that by engaging in a shared kink, you feel more sexually and emotionally intimate which motivates you to be nicer. And I admit that I'm usually more attentive to Mrs. Edge when I'm aroused, but I'm not (and she will attest to this) a jerk when I don't get my way, so make of that what you will.
He also said he knew if he asked me out right the chances were great he would hear a no. Madness on horny steroids: He knew he was going to hear no so instead he thought he could just wear me down. The look on his face when I pointed this out was hilariously priceless.
The idea of a shared kink is where the intimacy comes from is pretty much how I have always felt about the kinks in our marriage. As I have said, I’m kinky myself so being with a kinky partner has helped us both. There are so many stories out there from people who are in relationships that are stifling because their partner has no interest in edgier type or even any kink; we both count ourselves very lucky that we do share these traits. This isn’t the first kink that has come up that didn’t appeal to me and I have some kinks that don’t appeal to him and we couldn’t find a compromise on, it isn’t just him having to do without a kink. We both work hard to be happy with what we do for each other and not worry a lot about what can’t be done. I’m not saying for some the idea of chastity makes for a better relationship but the same could be said of any kink that develops to a point that both enjoy taking part. But it needs to develop in a fashion that is acceptable by both people, thus my comments about being emotionally strong armed into playing along so he can get what he wants. That’s not a shared kink.
Tom Allen wrote:
T&(short term) D has always been a large part of our se life, one of my concerns was he would be expecting me to add to what I already do. You mentioned it appeared I have spent a lot of time accommodating him, that was spot on. Sometimes the accommodation was easy other times it took some work to find the compromise. The T&D was a war ground for a while because he was always pressing me for more. We sorted that out and I really did not want to have to go back there again.Teasing is a big part of chastity play, that is, making him aware of what he can't have. Kissing and other affection is nice, and will enhance his feelings of arousal.
Because of my job, I don’t wear jewelry, so I won’t be wearing the keys on a chain. I did agree to put them on my key ring, but I am not going to go hunt my keys down every time I want to have sex so he needs keep track of the spare keys or use the plastic pop-off locks. The strap-on idea is a no go and he knew that before he brought this idea up, so that was never a consideration here. As far as the matter of masturbation, we have a system in place to deal with that, honestly I never cared if he did masturbate as long as it didn’t get in the way of our sex life and it never has.
TwistedMister wrote:
FYI: I wouldn’t be here if my husband hadn’t asked me to sign up for this site because it had a section for women. It was the first site I have been asked to look at in the last few weeks that even seemed real enough to consider wanting to take the time to read and I did read a bit of it before I posted, but since that first post I have read quite a few of the threads alone and last night with my husband. Just with my initial basic skim of the site a couple of days ago, I figured what better place to learn then from the ones who live it, I didn’t realize a woman explaining why it didn’t have any appeal or looking for some discussion on the topic would be so off putting or that maybe (?) women were relegated to the “key holders only” section.I've been following this thread and some things come to mind: One is that coming to a forum full of male chastity enthusiasts for advice on how to get someone to stop talking about it is kind of like going to a bar to get advice on how to stop drinking- it doesn't surprise me that a lot of the responses are suggesting giving it a try.
If you have read all of my posts, if you haven’t selectively read, you would have found out why I was looking for a way to shut him up. It isn’t just the piece of hardware that has me bugged; it is the fact he would like to go weeks, even months without having PIV sex.
I’m not sure where I have been inconstant. As far as asking permission for anything that was his idea and it was the way things were set up ages ago when we agreed to and the D/s to our marriage. Considering this isn’t a D/s focused site, I have tried to keep that out of the discussion as much as possible for a few reasons. Number one reason being out of respect for the site membership and avoiding the hassle of the crowd and round and round debate that type of conversation draws. As it is, there’s more here about that part of our relationship then should be, because this isn’t a D/s site and my apologies in advance if it does draw that type of attention to the site, because that type of attention rarely ends on a good note. I tend to avoid sites that are geared toward D/s because of all the ridged, holier than thou smug narrow minded hard liners who haunt sites like that.
If I were to go into exacting details about our agreement it would be obvious to you why the way he went about this was out of bounds and out of the bounds he asked to have in place in our D/s agreement. I didn’t ask or demand to “be in control” he asked me to take control 13 years ago.
I am up against the clock here and have phones, as in plural, ringing off the hook for my attention and I am at the point of not avoiding writing a novel, so I am going to post this and doing so with much gratitude for the discussion that has evolved here. As I said the idea though not appealing, it wasn’t a hard limit no go for me, so we’ll see how things develop over the next few weeks, if it will become something that will not work for us or if it is something we can shape into a compromise.
