[Chosen_Jackal] Pinch me, is this really happening?

[Chosen_Jackal]

It’s been a long day. Too long.
We got up early to drive about an hour and a half to a family gathering and came home late.
Red and I walked the dog together when we finally came home and that was the first chance we had to talk unfiltered all day.
I enjoy spending time with extended family, but I’m finding myself thinking half the time that I’d rather just sit with Red and talk about the things that matter to only us.
The kind of things you just don’t bring up at a family event…

So when we got the chance to talk we talked a bit about where we see our relationship going and what we want.
I say we, but as usual it’s me that initiates these talks.
I guess I simply have a greater need to talk about these things than Res, but I do wish she’d come to me with her thoughts more often.
I sometimes feel like I have to prod and poke in order to get her to open up about the things she thinks about when it comes to our dynamic.
I guess we’re just different when it comes to these things.

We’ve played a fair bit lately. Some regular sex and some more kinky play.
She made me stick a dildo up my ass last night and gave me a ruined orgasm, so she definitely knows how to make a night memorable!
I still struggle a bit with stating my wants and needs without feeling like I’m topping from the bottom. Especially my wants, but I’m getting better at speaking openly about them.

I told Red that I would love to be denied for a while. I purposefully said a while to keep it ambiguous and entirely up to Red to decide so I don’t get any idea about when I can expect anything concrete.
I also told her I would really love to feel "fucking desperate" to be released, but I don’t see how I’ll manage to stay that way unless we turn up the dial on teasing a bit.
So I asked her if she’d be open to teasing and using me more intensely and regularly for a while so we can see how this will affect us.
She said she’s very open to this… just not right now. Soon.

I chose to focus on the positive. She did technically say yes, but it’s always with a but.
Or a "not right now".
I know it’s unfair to expect her to invest more of her time and energy than she’s naturally inclined to do, but these replies and comments makes me feel like I’m not a priority to her sometimes.
I know this is untrue, she does prioritize me, but the feeling is there.
I’ve tried saying so many times that small gestures, just words sometimes, will be more than enough to keep me in the right headspace.
So while I do wish she’d be the one to initiate the conversation about our dynamic a bit more, I do also recognize all the great things she does to keep our dynamic exciting.
I’m giving her time and space to find her own way and I’ll do my best to be grateful and enjoy the good things we’ve built together.

[Chosen_Jackal]

Time for a bit of a more fun update.

I’m stoked to say that I’ve been allowed to give Red not one, not two, but three orgasms today.
Some people might think that this isn’t such a big deal as some women are multi orgasmic, but Red has always been a one and done gal.
In return her orgasms are usually very intense and leave her quite drained afterwards.
So today is a good day!
A great day!

Red used to be uncomfortable with receiving oral for a long time. She always loved giving, but I think she felt self conscious and unable to relax enough to properly enjoy herself when she was on the receiving end.
This caused me to feel insecure in my abilities to give good oral so it just wasn’t on the menu for a long while.
So I’m not exaggerating when I say that it’s a big deal when I’m able to please her so thoroughly in this way.
I’ve told her with full sincerity that I love spending as much time as she lets me between her legs.
Her smell.
Her taste.
Divine!

I’m also not exaggerating when I say that her orgasms, especially when administered this way, means so much more to me than getting them for myself.
I told her earlier today that I’d be more than happy if me giving her oral becomes our default vanilla sex.
She happily agreed!

[Tongue+groove]

. Her smell.
Her taste.
Divine!

Well put. I’m a bit envious of those who are pleased by a one and done O. I would love to do morning duties on a regular basis, but Mrs.G is one of those multi-o girls who can’t stop until she s exhausted. Then it’s several days before she’s recovered.

told her earlier today that I’d be more than happy if me giving her oral becomes our default vanilla sex.
She happily agreed!

This happened to us after she had me cum for my birthday at the end of February. She said we would try it until our anniversary at the end of May. She has on occasion given me some attention. I have had one orgasm of a satisfactory nature, the rest have not. She on the other hand has gotten what she wanted when she wanted it. I’m not sure what will happen after May. I suspect it will be conversation about me getting less.

I have noticed that these conversations take place when I’m post orgasm and cooperative.

[Chosen_Jackal]

I was out of the cage for a few hours today.
Not by choice, but because of health related issues.
I’m back in the cage now, but I discovered some things about myself that I didn’t enjoy.
I also discovered some things that I do enjoy.

I enjoy feeling like Red has the power to control my sexual pleasure. I’m not only denied orgasms, but even the act of getting a proper erection is up to her.
I find this highly erotic and while it may be frustrating at times it’s deeply rewarding most of the time.

The physical feeling of the cage is also a reassurance. After this long it just feels right to wear it.
It reminds me of my dedication and commitment to Red.

I did not enjoy how fast my hands wandered and started touching my penis. It wasn’t conscious.
I kept finding myself fidgeting down there and I felt cheap and weak willed.
It didn’t take long for me to think about masturbating and even to look at porn.
There’s nothing wrong with either of these things, but it’s not something I want for myself.
The lack of self control, or at least how easily temptation crept in was not something I cared for.

So I’m back in the cage. I feel better physically and mentally.
I could tell that Red was pleased with me putting it back on as well, and that’s frankly all that matters.

[Chosen_Jackal]

Be careful what you wish for.

I would do well to remember that sometimes.
It feels especially fitting right now as I feel the frustration surge through my body at an almost constant pace.
I told Red I’d love it if she’d help me feel more sexually frustrated by turning up the teasing and using me for her pleasure as much as she’d like.
Denial feels best when I’m reminded of what I’m giving up.
And Red is doing exactly that.

She’s using me for her benefit each night.
And sometimes in the mornings as well.
I say she’s using me, but offer myself up to her just as often as she demands my attention.
I do this because I know she loves when I’m initiating. Who doesn’t love to feel desired by their partner?
I struggled a bit with this in the beginning of our D/s relationship since I felt it had elements of me topping from the bottom, but knowing that she enjoys it and is free to turn me down if she wants makes me more comfortable with it.

So we’re intimate pretty much every day and I’m certainly getting what I asked of her.
I’m feeling the tender ache of being constantly aroused, yet unable to do much about it except be there for her.
I wait patiently for her to turn her attention to me and my pleasure, not necessarily by giving me orgasms, but she seems happy to be "selfish" for now.
This is another instance where I have to remind myself that this is what I wanted.
I wanted her to be comfortable with taking charge in our sex life the way she wanted to, so I can’t complain when she’s doing exactly that.
Be careful what you wish for indeed.

I hope that this will evolve with time. That she will take inspiration from the things I’ve told her I’m fantasizing about and find her own way to make them part of our sex life. Ideally she’ll come up with her own kinky things entirely on her own and subject me to whatever horrifying and exciting acts her mind can come up with.
Until then I’m happy to serve as best as I can in any way or shape she desires.

I’m hers.

[Chosen_Jackal]

Something’s shifted in Red.
It’s like she’s fully embracing her sexuality and I’m just in awe from being allowed to play my part in this.
I’ve mentioned before that she’s traditionally been a one and done woman when it comes to orgasms, but this has changed lately.
There’s been several occasions where we’ve only had a minute or two of pause before we head into another round of getting her off.
Round one is usually my tongue and fingers and round two is often her using her vibrator while I either finger her g spot or use a dildo on her.

The sounds she makes are different as well.
Primal.
I’ve never felt more proud than when I hear her moan without even noticing, just writhing with pleasure.
And the contrast to what I experience is both stark and sobering.
She’s so comfortable receiving without giving anything in return and I feel a deep ache inside. Not from jealousy or resentment, but from longing to feel just a fraction of what she feels.

Last night was different though.
It started with her telling me I needed to take a shower.
This usually means she has a plan.
She asked me if I needed to take the cage off and I stupidly replied "if you think I need to take it off then sure".
She decided that the cage stayed on.
I should’ve said yes immediately…
She made me strip and bend down to wash her feet in the shower.
I felt a perfect mix of submissive and helpful to her. This simple act wasn’t exactly erotic in itself, but I really appreciated the clear power dynamic in that moment.

She then told me to stand up and started washing my penis and balls, still caged btw, and boy did I regret not taking the opportunity to remove the cage at that moment.
She turned me around and I stood facing away from her, vulnerable and exposed with my balls having freely between my legs.
She toyed with them a bit before she slowly pushed one or two fingers inside my ass for a little while.
I felt so happy and seen in that moment and I wish it lasted longer, but I shouldn’t be greedy.

We ended the night with two rounds for her, and she teased me afterwards by firmly gripping my neck and telling me how pathetically eager I am, and how much better things are with my cock locked away.

I woke up today to a delivery I’ve been waiting for.
A snug plug 3 from b-vibe.
I’ve been searching for a comfortable and safe butt plug to wear 24/7 and this might be it.
I might go up a size or two in the future, but these first few hours with the snug plug 3 feels very nice.

Exciting times!

[Tongue+groove]

. She’s so comfortable receiving without giving anything in return

I remember when Mrs. G got over this hurdle. It was a big step for her. She has most recently acquired the attitude of no going back. She has also made it clear to me that my say in the matter has less influence the further down the road we go. In fact I think if I decided to abandon the life style it would be met head on with a not so happy wife.

[Chosen_Jackal]

. She’s so comfortable receiving without giving anything in return

I remember when Mrs. G got over this hurdle. It was a big step for her. She has most recently acquired the attitude of no going back. She has also made it clear to me that my say in the matter has less influence the further down the road we go. In fact I think if I decided to abandon the life style it would be met head on with a not so happy wife.

I could definitely tell when the shift in Red happened.
She went from saying that only her orgasms matter in the big picture to meaning it.
It’s such a powerful difference.

[Chosen_Jackal]

Sometimes it feels like the good things I’m waiting for keeps hovering right outside my reach. Just a few more weeks away all the time.
It’s not like things are bad in any way or form right now, but Red and I both agree on things we want to do better, and all we need is a little breathing room. Just a break from the stress that eats away at our time.

This winter and spring has really been marked by stress.
I’ve had surgery, and even though I’ve been lucky and suffered very little side effects it’s still something that takes a toll.
Reds work is extremely demanding this time of year, and she’s also scheduled for surgery soon. She found out that the date for her surgery is a little sooner than we expected so she suddenly has very little time to fulfill all her orders.
So it feels like we’re always just one complication away from being able to relax and enjoy each other fully.

And part of me fears that this will always be the norm. Life will always be complicated and stressful so we need to make time and space to grow our dynamic.
But by the end of the month, Red will have had her surgery and she’ll be placed on six weeks of sick leave.
That should give us some time to fully connect and hopefully find a way forward that aligns more with what we both want.
A more fully formed FLR.

Despite all the stress and complications life is good.
All things considered, we have a pretty healthy sex life, and even more importantly; we communicate well with love and respect in every meaningful aspect of our relationship.
Red may think differently, but I belive my biggest flaw is impatience. I want things to be perfect right now, but I sometimes forget that we have the rest of our lives to figure these things out.

[Chosen_Jackal]

I’m sorry for the length, but this is how I process. Sometimes the words need room to breathe before I can.

Red was exhausted last night. She’s had a brutal week, and there’s another one coming. Even through that haze of fatigue, she still wanted me to go down on her. That meant a lot. It’s become one of my favorite ways to feel connected to her. There’s something so grounding in it, so right. I love the taste, the sounds, the intimacy. I love knowing she falls asleep feeling satisfied and cared for.

But there’s a growing ache in me, and I’m trying to make sense of it. Not the aching from being locked up. That I understand, and even cherish. It’s a good ache. It keeps me buzzing all the time, and I asked for that. I need that.

What I’m struggling with is more subtle. It’s the feeling that while I’m constantly giving, I’m not often touched in return. Not in a meaningful way. The balance of our pleasure is exactly how I want it. She receives, I serve. And I love the imbalance. But lately, the gestures I receive feel fleeting. A squeeze through the clothes. A quick word. A brief push of fingers up my ass in the shower (which was incredible, by the way), but then it ends before I can drop into sub space, before my body can catch up to what my heart is already feeling.

It’s not about orgasms. It’s not even about being teased longer. It’s about being seen in that space, held there, just a little longer. I want to feel like she desires not just what I do for her, but what I am to her. And if I’m being honest, I want to feel like she wants to give me real and meaningful attention. Pleasure, pain, humiliation. The things that makes feel alive!

Last night, after I’d finished pleasuring her, we were cuddling. She asked, “Do you feel bad?” And then, more directly: “Do you feel like you’re being ignored?”

That question caught me off guard. She felt something. And that alone means so much. I told her the truth: “Maybe a little. But I really love being allowed to give you this much pleasure. I am happy.”

She seemed glad to hear it, though I think she sensed what was unsaid too.

“Maybe we’ll do something fun tomorrow. Hopefully I’m less exhausted then.”

All I could say was, “Okay.”

She replied, “You don’t believe me. That’s okay.”

I’ve been thinking about that moment a lot today. I wish I’d responded with more enthusiasm, more trust. But the truth is, I was caught in that in-between place of wanting to believe her, but also afraid that if she does do something with me, it’ll be out of guilt or obligation. And that makes it harder to receive. I want her to want to play with me. Not because she feels I need it, but because she needs it. Because she misses seeing me squirm, hearing me beg, watching me melt.

But maybe I’m being too hard on both of us. She’s not neglectful. She’s tired. And it’s not just physical. She’s the kind of tired that seeps into the bones. And even so, she still lets me serve her. That tells me everything I need to know about where I stand in her heart.

The truth is, 90% of the time I’m with Red, I feel nothing but joy. I laugh, I serve, I ache, I love. But that remaining 10%, the part where I start to doubt and overthink can sometimes feel bigger than it really is. So today, I’m going to try to shift the narrative in my head:

“If she lets me out of the cage today, I’ll feel seen, cherished, and loved. And if she doesn’t, that’s okay too. It just means I get to wait a little longer, and trust that this ache is part of the gift I asked for.”