But what do I get out of this?

[Tom Allen]

Now, this is something he needs for his collection.

See? Fra-jee-lee. It's Italian!

[TwistedMister]

Yeah I get it, if I’m not jumping up and down with bated breath to be his KH and make him stay locked up until it turns into celibacy and because of that I should just go away, and it seems someone has to jump in here and constantly remind everyone that women who don’t want to be key holders, aren’t interested, aren’t maybe so much welcome around here to be involved in any kind of conversation as they sort through trying to get a handle on the idea they had tendered to them by a partner and heaven forbid they draw the conclusion the “lock it up and keep it locked up and you better take the key and hold it for him or you aren’t real” way of the lifestyle won’t work for them.

The fact we won't be doing it the way that seems to be the standard of"locked up tight for extended time, all the time" and I'm not holding the keys means we aren't really welcome here or maybe it's just women who won't toe that line and want other options when it comes to the lifestyle? If that’s not what you meant (any of the naysayers overall) then please feel free to correct me. Before anyone assumes I am angry, I'm not. This isn't worth working up the energy to be angry, not even worth the energy of being annoyed. I am however very befuddled and that was all typed looking extremely puzzled.

I haven’t dissed the life style or the ones who live it however they live it one bit, so the “you really need to go away undertone” that keeps getting surreptitiously thrown into this thread really confounds me. Wonder how that must go over with guys who have partners who have some misgivings, aren’t all over being their key holder? Why would they want to even asking them to consider reading this forum?


And it is evident you didn’t read much. I have said a couple of times I might be in the wrong spot for advice but turns out the conversation going on here was enough to get my husband to get realistic about how this would have to work for me if it was going to work for us as a couple in order to keep the “good thing” we do have going and you probably would have clued into that if you had read, my last post pretty much proved the fact we found a happy middle ground and my disinterest has turned to maybe not so much interest in locking him up for “X” amount of time but the device he seems to be the most fond of turns out, giving the results of what it does and what I can do with it, it could be a something I could get something of, proving the point there may be a middle ground for other couples, provided the one asking is willing to think outside the standard “this is the way you are supposed to do the chastity stuff” box. The irony is my husband asked me to read this forum because he thought it would change my mind and it did it just didn’t change it the way he had in mind.

I get it; it is it a “pro chastity site”. I’ve never dissed on that concept but to some degree there’s hint of “if you don’t do it this way, you aren’t doing it right and you don’t belong here” that really has me gobsmacked.

Did you miss the 'smiley' he included? Really, I don't think that any of us (or not many, anyway) are thinking that you should "go away", I think that it is just that some of us are really struck by the humor and irony of how what your 'bad dog' was trying to do has sort of backfired on him and gone in a direction he may not have intended.

As often happens on message boards, and Usenet, and FidoNet before that, the intended meaning of the written (typed) word may be imperfectly communicated, being that the cues which are normally present in face-to-face exchanges are missing. I generally put a considerable amount of time and effort into my responses (here and other places) in order to [try to] ensure that my intended meaning is accurately conveyed but, even so, they are sometimes misunderstood (despite many years of education and experience in the use of English and the written word as a form of communication). Sometimes it is my fault, sometimes it isn't.

Everyone has an opinion of what is 'right' and what is 'wrong'. The opinions of some people are malleable, others are not. My opinions are subject to change when presented with new (and valid) information, I see that as the only logical approach to reality (and that is one opinion that is unlikely to change). Other people may not be quite as flexible, and once an idea gets in their heads a certain way, it gets stuck there and isn't coming loose. There isn't much to be done about that. Most of the participants here seem to be fairly well grounded in reality, unlike some other corners of the 'net.

I, for one, absolutely don't think you should "go away", you certainly seem to have a great deal of knowledge, insight and experience in the ways of D/s and other areas that would be of much benefit to others here, if you were to continue to participate. Your participation has certainly livened up this little corner, and I'd like to see you stay. If there are one or two members that don't think you should...well, that's *their* 'opinion'...

[wonderingwife]

Tom Allen wrote

Now, this is something he needs for his collection.

See? Fra-jee-lee. It's Italian!

Oh god , please don’t encourage him! As it is his office looks like that “Oddities” show store front!

Quotes out of place from the original post here:

Twisted Mister wrote:

Did you miss the 'smiley' he included?

Nope, I didn’t miss it.

As often happens on message boards, and Usenet, and FidoNet before that, the intended meaning of the written (typed) word may be imperfectly communicated, being that the cues which are normally present in face-to-face exchanges are missing. I generally put a considerable amount of time and effort into my responses (here and other places) in order to [try to] ensure that my intended meaning is accurately conveyed but, even so, they are sometimes misunderstood (despite many years of education and experience in the use of English and the written word as a form of communication). Sometimes it is my fault, sometimes it isn't.

You and I must be in the same age range, ancient history there along with 1600 baud cradle modems and those days I do recall painfully (as in what kind of PITA using all of the above were) vividly and so very thankful they are ancient history. And yes I do understand how without the distinguishers that comes with person to person conversation there needs to be some leniency when reading the typed words, but sometimes even in typed word, all the "ha-ha" smilies and the “I don’t mean to be offensive” commentary in the world won’t camouflage condescension and acerbity or the dismissive rudeness of “I didn’t bother to read but” and all that said, I say again my reaction to this type of commentary was to be very perplexed and wondering what might go through the mind of any woman who had the tenacity to stay with the thread as it developed, and/or the naysaying comments might possibly be preventing them from finding the courage to post a question or thoughts on why she isn’t interested in the idea.(Adding a confession: I do feel a bit like I have invaded the boy’s locker room.*snort/embarrassed tittering-okay maybe not embarrassed*LOL, as stated before, five older brothers, I grew up in the boys' locker room! )

Lord knows I sure didn’t expect to get the input I did nor did I expect to be sitting here a month later still having a conversation on the topic that has been for the most part accepting of why I wasn’t initially interested. I guess I must have been more “malleable” then I thought.

I think that it is just that some of us are really struck by the humor and irony of how what your 'bad dog' was trying to do has sort of backfired on him and gone in a direction he may not have intended.

You think you are? (That was typed with a guffaw styled belly laugh that was possibly heard by my neighbour’s four miles down the road) I am still finding it fall down laughing hilarious that it blew up in his face the way it did and believe it or not, so is he. His posting to this thread was his nod to the people who kept me involved in the idea long enough to find a middle ground, instead of staying as angry as I was, knowing full well he had brought the anger on himself by his own bad judgement, they did have an influence on the outcome of what he ended up with and he’s just thrilled it didn’t come down to his pushing me to the point of a flat out no. He told me last night I should explain how we ended up have the idea being tossed in the ring around here and I told him he needed to do that because it wasn’t my idea and I never expected to get on board with any "way" of using the devices. He nodded in agreement but didn’t say he would. Maybe I’ll hold that damned Hula Girl Lamp hostage until he gets motivated to do so!

I do appreciate the optimistic outlook you have on my participation in the group as a whole; it’s very kind of you and thank you.

you certainly seem to have a great deal of knowledge, insight and experience in the ways of D/s

That comes from years of messing up when it comes to my kink nature; lord knows I have stepped in my fair share of awful messes because I wasn’t considerate of my partners in the past. I count my blessing for ending up with the bad dog because he’s fairly resilient and doesn’t mind helping me dig myself out of the poo I do step in and in turn makes it easier for me to be forgive and forget when he steps in his own piles of poo, as he did with this idea. And again, I say thanks for the conversation and input over the my time here because it did keep me from using the devices in a way they weren’t meant to be used!

[BadDog]

To prevent my Hula Girl from being taken hostage, my explanation for how I ended up suggesting we give chastity a try and why I knew before I asked the idea would not be received well. The idea to get a device did come from being put in a “gates of hell” entrapment device. It has always been one of her favorite things to use on me and she does use one frequently for tease and denial. I do enjoy the constrictive feeling the gates of hell has and wondered what it be like to be in something that was fully constrictive. Right there is where I messed up. I should have just asked her how she would feel about investing in one of the devices so I could experiment with the sensation. She is right in the fact I knew she would never go for the idea of being locked up for an extended amount of time and that has more to do with my past actions then it has to do with her libido. I am very thankful I have a wife who has a strong and forceful sex drive and isn’t hesitant to express that fact. I could be a real grouch to deal with after two or three days without an orgasm and she was always aware of that and was great about making sure I never got to the point of being too grouchy by using her own high sex drive to keep my bearishness under control. I don’t think I realized just how much she was using it for herself until I did bring up the idea of using long term denial and doing it with some kind of device.

Once I got the idea in my fantasy loop---I started looking for sites geared to that brand of porn and I did let that type of porn influence how I was thinking about how I wanted it to go. Best I can remember, the idea started last October or so, I didn’t actually bring it up with her until mid-February and I really didn’t give her any options, I told her how I wanted to do it and left her feeling like there was no give or take in what I wanted. I stated my case as an all or none and wasn’t thrilled when she told me if that’s how it would be then she wanted none of it.

I wasn’t smart enough to let the subject go. I kept dropping hints---then started trying to use some of the methods of persuasion I’d read about on certain sites, then I started emailing her the links. These are all things that I knew wouldn’t go over well with her ---but I wasn’t exactly thinking with my bigger head. I was pushing buttons I know better than to push.

It might help to clarify something about us as a D/s couple that she hasn’t said: The “s” in our case is misleading. I am not submissive---I am a bottom. We both know this; it was established years ago in our relationship. D/s mediation came about because she would get frustrated with me topping her and I told her if she would lay down some ground rules, I would do my best to stick with them. Over the years things have changed, rules have been done away with or modified since people and relationships change.

I can be a passive aggressive dickhead at times and she has figured out ways to adjust my attitude when needed. Long term denial has never been one of the ways so the fact she wasn’t willing to get into the idea the way I wanted her to really wasn’t a surprise---but did I mention I can be a passive aggressive dickhead at times? I handled the way I went about this all wrong. Hind sight is 20-20 and in retrospect I should have being plainspoken with her instead of trying to passive aggressively coax her into doing it my way.

[locked4her55]

Hind sight is 20-20 and in retrospect I should have being plainspoken with her instead of trying to passive aggressively coax her into doing it my way.

You wouldn't be the first here to have done this. I pretty much messed up my wife's introduction to male chastity too.

Welcome to the discussion.

[wishful4]

You wouldn't be the first here to have done this. I pretty much messed up my wife's introduction to male chastity too. Welcome to the discussion.

Ditto. Been there, done that!

[wonderingwife]

BadDog wrote

I am not submissive---I am a bottom.

And let me clarify his clarification. Being a “bottom” doesn’t preclude being a great partner that’s great about making sure the dominant partner is happy. His “being a bottom as opposed to being a submissive” has never been a problem for us as a couple but you would think I was insanity personified in some BDSM circles because I was a female dominant who didn’t demand (beat him into) submission (slavery).

This goes back to the “What do you mean putting this on your penis is going to make you a better partner?” because he was already a considerate partner without any kind of carrot dangled in front of him and it did bug me that he was saying “I won’t be a good partner unless you keep me horny” and implied that everything needed to be tied to his sexual gratification (or non-gratification by T&D as such may be in our case). In our circumstances it did feel like he was making it all about him and I would have to accommodate him to get something out of the arrangement. Still shaking my head over that line of thought coming out of his mouth (not once, but a few times), but over the urge to shake his head until I rattle his brains loose!

And the stupid Hula Girl Lamp is safe. (For now)

[afraid_to_ask]

I've been away from this forum for a while, other than as a lurker. This thread really piqued my interest. The question of what a female partner gets out of chastity is a critical one, and one that any guy who has the guts to ask his partner for it needs to answer. Wonderingwife I would like to thank you for adding your unique perspective and being willing to engage many of the forum members.

Too much of the porn out there suggests that women are just dying to lock up their husbands and turn them into sissy "bois" or cuckolds. Sarah Jameson has made the same observation. That's fine if that's mutually your arrangement; I am the last one to judge. But I suspect that many women get turned off by the whole notion of encasing their man's love tool in a piece of plastic, because it sub-consciously emasculates him.

So you'd better be prepared to give a convincing argument. Begging and whining don't cut it, and if you're already in a FLR then all the worse ... it's classic "topping from the bottom."

In my case I had "the talk" with my wife almost a year ago, and her response was that she had very little interest in pursuing this particular kink of mine. So I put it in the back of my mind. Her main concerns were that it wasn't medically safe ( I would damage my sensitive bits ) and she also stated that she was concerned about what it would do to me psychologically.

At the time I was rather disappointed but chose to let it go ... well at least as far as nagging her about it. Of course I still craved it and continued to look at chastity porn sites. All without her knowledge. So it is still an issue, full disclosure.

The sad thing is that in that time window our relationship did improve. I did confess to her my desire to be the "submissive" partner and put her in control of my orgasms. She seemed OK with this part. We had sex more often and I was able to please her in ways that I had not before.

However I could not get her to accept the chastity device idea. I think it really just doesn't appeal to her and it is good to hear from another female with at least some similar reservations as it gives me some insight into my wife's thinking. Maybe someday I can revisit the topic with her and present a better case.

My only thought to add to this already long discussion is that men have to be really careful with porn. I think our minds get carried away very easily, at least speaking for myself when I go to some of the chastity sites out there I feel like a junkie as I want "more more more!" It reinforces in my mind the most extreme fantasies and perhaps this is what my wife meant by affecting me psychologically.

[Tom Allen]

My only thought to add to this already long discussion is that men have to be really careful with porn. I think our minds get carried away very easily, at least speaking for myself when I go to some of the chastity sites out there I feel like a junkie as I want "more more more!" It reinforces in my mind the most extreme fantasies and perhaps this is what my wife meant by affecting me psychologically.

Can I just mention something about this?

People who know me as the health nut will be surprised to learn that I have an occasional cigarette, usually while I'm having an occasional glass of scotch. True story.

Somehow, I manage not to become addicted to smoking, perhaps in the same way that I manage not to become addicted to drinking. I also happen to surf Tumblr, and manage not to sit there for hour after slack-jawed hour staring at the pictures.

Porn is not the problem, in the way that cigarettes are not the problem, in the way that alcohol is not the problem. The problem is with the people on the other end misusing it. I'm not saying anything about you or your habits, but I'm trying to head off the "[pick a vice] is evil because it makes people [pick a behavior]" argument.

[afraid_to_ask]

Tom, you're absolutely right about that, come to think about it (the person being the problem, not the "vice" itself.)

Ironically I have told her same general statement, but on another subject not related to sex.

I am sure there are couples who can handle boatloads of porn. Wish we were one sometimes I know my wife can't and my habit of surfing chastity porn sites isn't helping because it is now a secret I have withheld from her. Plus I know myself and too much porn leads me down some roads I'd rather not go.

I was just trying to share my experience and maybe relate it to others, and didn't mean to over-generalize.

Appreciate the feedback.