A chastity break

[Subservetoher]

Hey everyone,

My wife and I are taking a break from chastity to try and reconnect on the foundation level. She and I are both Alpha's in the main and we've had some difficulty making our FLR work. Chastity is a tool in that process and I have been mostly locked up for almost 2 years now. My inclination is to get back into my device but as she and I discussed last night, we're gonna take things slow during our reset mode. Life is complex and often complicated with two careers, kids, bills etc. Just sharing this info because there may be others here who feel similarly. My hunch is I'll be back in lockup soon. It is my desire but her feelings are that she wants it to really mean something more than just the click of a lock. I couldn't agree more. I'm not judging anybody's reasoning on chastity or not, just sharing something about ourselves, fwiw.

All the best.

[Rocky]

Know what you mean. In our WLM I am the submissive one but very dominant outside of the home. My wife is submissive in her core but doing a good job of acting dominant. What we do is just drift in and out of our roles rather than maintain anything for too long. Today is a good example. We were both feeling blah and it was supposed to be our date night when she teases me and lets me watch her orgasm. Instead we just watched TV and she got her own darn snacks and drinks instead of me.

[Eochair Maistir]

Since both myself, as well as my Pet, are alphas by nature....
Would you be willing to expound on some if the lessons, obstacles, trials, and solutions in your experience?? Is there anything you would have done differently? Avoided? Encouraged???

[AlphaSub]

I read your post and scrolled down to reply, only to find that my key holder has already replied, nearly word for word, what I intended to post.

[Subservetoher]

Since both myself, as well as my Pet, are alphas by nature....
Would you be willing to expound on some if the lessons, obstacles, trials, and solutions in your experience?? Is there anything you would have done differently? Avoided? Encouraged???

Oh boy, that's an open ended question! It's complex on many levels really. I'm 18 and a half years older than my wife so there's a natural tendency to offer advice and perspective in most life situations. Sometimes that leads to topping from the bottom. We've had some health and career challenges over the last couple of years along with a move far away from my home town and where she had been for 10 years too so I lost my network of friends, more acutely than her. Those are some of the more generalized issues. Some of our other issues have included just learning our roles in an flr. As an aside, I had to approached my wife with it and had to gently persuade her over months to launch it and direct it. I guess the biggest challenge and one we're working to erase now is the feelings of disappointment and dissatisfaction with how it's played out from the sexual side for me. I have desired more kink and acts of D/s with my wife and because of our reduced connection there have been some hurt feelings and wall building which have reduced our closeness and made the fertile ground of our lifestyle and relationship less productive for new germination. So that's what we're really working on now-prepping our soil for a bumper crop. Thanks for your question. Hope this helps

[locked4her55]

So that's what we're really working on now-prepping our soil for a bumper crop.

Kudos to you both for seeing this and wanting to sow-the-field.

Best of Luck!

[Michele]

I'm curious, do you or did you have a written agreement for your new lifestyle?

[Subservetoher]

I'm curious, do you or did you have a written agreement for your new lifestyle?

We tried that early on when we first launched our FLR. For us, it became a bit cumbersome, you know check lists, etc. we had timetables for maintenance discipline, rewards and other things that we felt things weren't free flowing enough. We felt, or I should say, my wife felt bogged down in the details. I was totally ok with that. We gone completely structure free also and that hasn't quite worked either. My guess is we'll end up with something in the middle. As of late we discuss things verbally and agree to our goals. This answer is a bit more flr related than chastity specific I guess

[Michele]

Yeah sounds like you might have gone overboard with it at first... time tables and charts and stuff is way too much for here. We have just the basics in our agreement. The boundaries, so to speak. We also have what is and is not ok and how things work be dealt with (discipline). But that's about it... maybe just something that simple. We don't really ever look at our agreement unless we are going over it to amend it. It's all things we agree on verbally that we just wrote down to make it set.

Good luck and I hope giving yourselves the reset helps!

[Tame Lion]

This is a very basic human issue. Based on the small amount you have written, it seems to me that the FLR/chastity aspect of your lives has sort of taken over. In my experience, when a relationship either starts or adopts a power exchange, all sorts of side effects occur. The main one is that this new, exciting change becomes the focus instead of incorporating the change into your successful relationship.

In my experience, the key is to recognize first and foremost that your devotion to each other comes first. Who makes the decisions is a tactical aspect of the relationship. Complicating things is the highly charged sexual nature of chastity and FLR. We are perverse creatures. Taking sex away makes so many things even sexier.

I agree with your decision for a reset. The reset is not whether or not you wear a cage. It's refocusing your attention on each other. I spent a decade in a dominant / submissive relationship with a submissive woman. The logistics of the power made the ordinary little things that grow a relationship very difficult. We had no contract. I had all the power. That didn't mean that everything in our relationship was initiated by me. We agreed from the start that micromanagement was out, and that she had to find ways to make me happy without me telling her what each of those things might be. In other words, very vanilla relationship stuff.

Now that I am caged, the tables have turned. I can clearly feel the need for my wife to exercise her authority and discipline me, reward me, and relieve me of the responsibility of seeing that she is happy. I also know that if I give in to those feelings I will almost certainly end the chastity and possibly destroy our very happy marriage.

Based on my experience, I suggest that you carefully consider that FLR / chastity are things you, and hopefully she need to have a happy sex life and relationship. It doesn't change the fact that you are together for far more than that. One benefit of a contract is that it does put boundaries around this activity. Your keyholder has to be very involved in your health and happiness. That's pretty obvious. What isn't, is that you have an equal obligation. You have to make sure she is sexually satisfied without having to order you to do things, that she feels loved and valued for more than her chastity play and FLR activities.

Regardless of how you organize the power in the relationship, the relationship itself is a two way street where you both have to actively work to make your relationship successful. In the last 25 years in the d/s community I have seen hundreds of relationships formed between people who wanted to do some form of power exchange. Invariably, those relationships (and marriages) ended in a few years (or less). On the other hand, people who were already in committed relationships did much better. Only if they became obsessed with the d/s activities did their relationships falter.

Sorry to go on about this. It's a big deal to me. Working out a relationship that you both own and take responsibility for nurturing and at the same time execute FLR and chastity is very difficult. It requires excellent communications and commitment to putting the relationship ahead of all else.

End of sermon.