But what do I get out of this?

[gungadn]

The title of this thread is "But, what do I get out of this?" So, with the disclaimer that everything I say is from a mans point of view... And, at the risk of being completely out of line...

I have my preferred ways of waking him up for morning sex and now if he’s in the device, I’ll have to just wake him up and wait for him to get a key and get out of it, so I can do what I plan, we’ll have to see how that goes.

Every lock comes with multiple keys. If this is one of the concerns, you have control of 1 of the keys. Keep the key at your bedside, or hanging from the bedpost where it is convenient and you can use it to unlock him without waking him.

Most of my sticking points with this idea are how much it is going to change the sex life we have right now.

And this is where the communication will come in. I firmly believe that you can find ways to ensure that the CB does not change the sex life you have now. And, in the best case scenario, it is possible to find ways to use the CB to enhance what you want.

[KeyheldHubby]

Wonderingwife et al...

I'm just catching up on all my "reading" following my two international trips in the last two weeks.

Wow...

What a discussion.

Thanks to Wonderingwife for sparking it. The outpouring of thoughts is incredible, and it has really forced some introspection on my part as well.

Mrs. KHH is far more vanilla than Wonderingwife. Not a knock at all, I love her immensely, just different.

Nice to see that Wonderingwife and hubby are so comfortable communicating, but this is a topic that (for me) was incredibly hard to discuss. Not because it's hard for me to communicate with my wife, rather because the topic itself was so difficult. It was so difficult for me to find the words to explain WHY this was so important to me. Describing the physical aspects was easy. Describing the psychological and emotional aspects still makes me a nervous wreck.

I can certainly relate to Lockedforher55's comments:

This "kink" made me realize how selfish I was and opened up dialogue as to how I can make her happier, both in the bedroom and out. Now this is not saying all women are this way but what a surprise when I learned that sometimes a good foot rub, back massage, just cuddling in bed till you fall asleep is better for her than sex.

At the same time, I think my wife now understands that - with me locked up and with her controlling the keys - she now has me in a state of 24/7 foreplay (someone's earlier comment comes to mind). She has taken to wearing the key to my cage on a necklace and (while it's generally out of sight) tells me that just feeling the key against her skin as she moves arouses her. The thought that no matter how horny I get I am completely dependent on on her for release and relief.

From your comments in this thread, you are already very comfortable with yourself, your husband, and your sexuality. For my wife I think it was the first two, but not the third. I didn't consciously set out 5 months ago to bring about her "sexual liberation" but it seems that it's happening as a welcome by-product of keeping me locked up.

So what do you get out of it? Maybe nothing more than you already have. Maybe this will add to your "must do" things while not adding anything to your "I really enjoy this" things. But it's possible, just possible that keeping your hubby in chastity could open an unexpected and heretofore unexplored realm for you as it has for my wife and I.

For what it's worth, I LOVE what chastity has done for my relationship with my wife, and she really seems to enjoy it as well - at least she tells me she likes keeping me locked up, and her outward behaviors would seem to back up her statements. I have changed - a lot - since being locked up. But so has my wife. In ways that neither of us could have originally imagined.

[wonderingwife]

Hey, KeyheldHubby, welcome to the conversation and it is quite a discussion! I’m fighting people and time to find time to stay involved myself! I think no matter what the outcome is for the bad dog and me the thoughts shared in this thread could help other couples see each others' sides better.

We may be in the minority and be that couple who won’t find a middle ground and he won’t be the guy who it changed for the better. The whole idea seems to be bringing out the worst in him instead of the best, LOL. I’m not used to him being so obstinate.

We ended up having to have a “you sit down now, shut up and listen to me, read my lips and hear my words” come to Jesus meeting Saturday night about how involved I will be because he was being a pest about how much I would be involved. Life has me busy all day and late into the evenings and when life gets this busy I am even more a “morning sex” person and I don’t want to have to mess with the device when I am ready to have sex in the mornings, so we agreed he could wear it during the day, but it has to come off at night, before he goes to bed and it is his responsibility to make sure it is off, I’m not going to hunt him down every evening to remind him. As far as key holding, I told him over a week ago I have no interest in keeping up with the keys but I did agree to carry the spares on my key ring but I am not going to go hunt them down to unlock him.

[wishful4]

wonderingwife,

It appears you have found some middle ground. You are correct that male chastity should not result in less sex, it will hopefully result in more. For it to make a difference in him, you will have to throw orgasm denial into the mix. Have all the morning sex you want,(or any other time you desire) but start it with "no cumming for you, big boy, this is about me today". After a few days of that, he will need the device to refrain from self-pleasuring and will attune his attentions to you, his keyholder, as the only one that can give him a release. I think you may be surprised at the result of a few days of orgasm denial.

[G_H]

Ok, please bare with me. I have the unfortunate luck of being quite late to this party. I also have the unfortunate luck of being an extremely logic-oriented male. I'm sure that's partly due to (and partly the cause of) my being an engineer by trade. Having said that, there's something that's been repeated a few times in this thread that I've always wondered about.

I have seen many references both over the years and over the last 9 pages to a woman wondering if her man wants to be locked up to keep her away from him - to keep her from having sex with him. Now maybe this is just the overly active logic center in my brain talking but I'm guessing that being a woman, and therefore a person in today's modern world, you probably hold many keys. (ok... this isn't actually a guess. You said you had a keyring, but for the other unnamed women who might be reading it is a guess) You probably have a key to your house, a key to your car, your office, maybe a filing cabinet or a P.O. box, storage shed? I dunno but I bet you probably control quite a few keys. I'm also guessing that you don't lock any of those things to keep your own self out. It's truly a head scratcher for me why someone would think that way. If he wants you to hold a key, it's clearly not to keep you from using that which is yours. Typically you have a key for exactly the opposite reason. You have a key to make sure that which is yours remains in the place/state you left it and ready for you to use when you see fit.

I know that this is partly an emotional conversation and that emotion and logic are distant cousins at best, but this has always confounded me some.

Ok... I've said my piece. I'll go back to lurking for months at a time.

[Tom Allen]

wonderingwife,
Have all the morning sex you want,(or any other time you desire) but start it with "no cumming for you, big boy, this is about me today". After a few days of that, he will need the device to refrain from self-pleasuring and will attune his attentions to you, his keyholder, as the only one that can give him a release. I think you may be surprised at the result of a few days of orgasm denial.

Have you actually been reading her posts from the beginning?

[Tom Allen]

You probably have a key to your house, a key to your car, your office, maybe a filing cabinet or a P.O. box, storage shed? I dunno but I bet you probably control quite a few keys. I'm also guessing that you don't lock any of those things to keep your own self out. It's truly a head scratcher for me why someone would think that way. If he wants you to hold a key, it's clearly not to keep you from using that which is yours. Typically you have a key for exactly the opposite reason. You have a key to make sure that which is yours remains in the place/state you left it and ready for you to use when you see fit.

Let's carry that logical thinking another step.

It sounds as if you're suggesting that WW isn't thinking about this "correctly"; that is, from a logical perspective. You're suggesting that WW should use some kind of logical thinking in order to arrive at a certain conclusion, but you're assuming that *she* is starting from the same set of assumptions that you are.

You've probably heard that at one time, many of those things you mentioned didn't have locks, or the people didn't bother to lock them. I'm old enough to remember hearing my parents and grandparents talk about how they never locked their houses, or how they always left the keys in the car. IOW, keys weren't even needed because the locks were unused.

She has made it pretty clear why she has the perspective that she has, and (to me) she seems to have used some pretty clear and critical thinking to arrive at that point. IOW, the process was the same, but the initial dataset was different, leading to different assumptions.

[G_H]

I actually still don't lock my house except on rare occasion, but when I do use my house key, it's not to keep my own self out of it. To be clear my comment was my own reaction to the statement that I've seen many times that (grossly paraphrased) "he wants to lock it up to keep me away from it". I just personally have a hard time wrapping my head around that when "he" usually wants to hand "her" the keys. I actually am quite impressed by how thoroughly WW seems to have thought things through even at the beginning of this thread when her reaction was coming across as largely emotional. I'm sure that's due in no small part to having been exposed to it before it was suggested to be a part of her life. I guess that's a good bit of why I find the logical disconnect so strange.

It's true that different starting points can lead to different conclusions, but locks and keys are pretty universally understood. I think that a lot of people let the novelty or shock of an idea prevent them seeing certain things that in any other context would be axiomatic. This is one of those cases. Given everything else that WW has written this is just something that jumps out at me precisely because everything else seems to be so clearly reasoned.

** Editor's note, WW didn't initially volunteer this but talked about it after someone else mentioned it. That's why I wrote my initial post as more of a sidebar on the subject. She even described her own thinking on the issue as "illogical" (and more) if perhaps for another reason that this exact one. Perhaps it would have been better placed in its own thread. Sorry.

[wonderingwife]

G_H you’ve put an awful lot of words in my mouth/attribute a lot of thing to me that got said in this thread, that I didn’t say.

I happen to be by nature, a very logical thinking female, the nature of my job requires ( no I am not an engineer) that I approach matters from a pragmatic point of view, I don’t think men nor engineers have a corner on the market of being logical.

Quite frankly your comments come across as patronizing, arrogant and as if I am not “thinking about this correctly” because I’m not thinking about this the “right way”. It would seem you have chosen to completely ignore some relevant facts in the process of your own being logical. For someone who say’s they are a “logical thinker” you have thrown a lot of conjecture into the conversation.

I actually am quite impressed by how thoroughly WW seems to have thought things through even at the beginning of this thread when her reaction was coming across as largely emotional.

Why was I "emotional"? Did you miss this?

Atone, thank you.
And see me blush here. Truthfully if I could go back and re do my opening post, I would. I was so aggravated with him asking:

“Well did you? Did you look at the site? Hey did you look at it yet? Did you?”
So much not his style and that had me ready to just blow a fuse and that post I guess was my shot across his bow, and very poor judgment on my part.

I didn’t expect to get involved in the conversation the way I have but only for the matter I didn’t figure I could muster up enough congeniality to be working against the grain of the overall tone of the site. I typically don’t do kink related forums because I (we as a couple) are so out of step with what is the basis for most sites and my “on line tactical tact skills” aren’t the best so it is much better for the all kink set if I stay away, LOL.

For the record: It has been very fruitful for us and I am really grateful I was allowed the grace to have my say and have the exchange of ideas that were part of the process.

The tone of both of your post border insulting with a hint of “silly women, they can’t think logical because they get to emotional”. I wasn’t being “emotional” when I posted, I posted to shut him up,that was my logical answer to him bugging the hell out of me to get his way. The emotion I had when I first posted was angry because I was at my limit of being pestered by him after I had already explained why I wasn’t interested in this type of play.

I know that this is partly an emotional conversation and that emotion and logic are distant cousins at best, but this has always confounded me some.

That was outright insulting. I’m not the least bit emotional about this conversation but then I guess since I am female everything has to start out emotional because women can’t be logical without being emotional or can only be emotional and logic is never part of our thinking?

Let me make this simple for you and undo your confusion:

I don’t want to take charge of the keys because it implies that I am on board with the whole concept and taking the keys as the “holder” negates everything I have said to him about why I don’t want to be a participant in his wearing the devices. I offered to put them on my key ring in case he does lose one of the keys HE is in charge of.

** Editor's note, WW didn't initially volunteer this but talked about it after someone else mentioned it. That's why I wrote my initial post as more of a sidebar on the subject. She even described her own thinking on the issue as "illogical" (and more) if perhaps for another reason that this exact one.

Care to share exactly how you came to the above conclusion? Where did I say my thinking was illogical (and more) and what was it I didn’t mention until someone else mentioned it? I have a feeling you are taking my words out of context to make them fit your logic.

Am I being emotional? Yes I am now, at this point, anyone who had their words twisted and has had their thought process passive aggressively -then out right- insulted, is most likely going to react with some sort of emotion.

[wonderingwife]

I want to put different spin on this and address a very chronic but misguided notion that pops up often on forums that deal with couples’ sexuality. It hasn’t here, but it is something that I would like to take the chance to sack as a myth. It is the notion only men have kinks that are impossible to make just “go away” and women need to be more understanding about the fact the kink won’t just go away. I absolutely agree a kink want won't just magically dissipate, I know that first hand.

I have a couple of kinks and one specific “non-sexual/kinky activity” that do not appeal to bad dog. The non-sexual/kinky activity is competition ball room dancing. He was well aware of this when we started dating and he made it very clear he had no interest in being part of that I had to make a conscious (logical) resolution that if he and I were going to be a couple he wasn’t going to be part of that.

I wasn’t thrilled with the idea that he didn’t want to participate in something that I enjoyed so much, but he had so many other things I adored about him I didn’t consider the fact he didn’t want to be part of that a deal breaker. He knows how much I enjoy it and once in a while he will clear out his shop and invite me to a “dance”.

It is just him and me and we laugh, because he truly does have two left feet and being the dominant I am, true to my nature, I lead (something I didn’t get to do back in my competition days, LOL). We have a wonderful time when we do this. It is a once in a blue moon thing and is always a wonderful surprise for me when he does this and I don’t regret for one second he wouldn’t be part of that part of who I am.

My “kinks” that he didn’t want to be part of he didn’t know about until a few months into our relationship. I didn’t just “spring” them on him. They came up one night in a conversation about our kinky desires. He told me then both were hard limits for him. He wasn’t rude about it but he was firm about it. These two kinks had been part of my sexual play list for a while and the thought of giving them up, didn’t appeal to me. I actually told him the fact they were hard limits for him might be a deal breaker and I left his place that night with the intent of not seeing him anymore and it is obvious that didn’t happen (LOL).

I still wish I could have what I want and I do still fantasize about these two kinks often, we even talk about them but when I made the (logical) choice to stay in a relationship with him, then marry him, I knew they were hard limits for him and I had no right to try to get him to change his mind. I am a woman who is “doing without” kinks I thought I couldn’t live without because what he has to offer me as a partner, what he does do for me, far outweighs what he won’t do for me.

I didn’t know about his cuckold fantasies until we’d been together for a while and once I was aware of them as long as he kept them on a fantasy level I was okay with that. Once he voiced the urge to have the fantasy to come to life I told him that was a hard limit for me and he did respect that. It didn’t stop him from talking about it but he does understand it is all just talk. That is honestly the only kink he has asked for to this point that I flat out said no to and his kink request list has been a long one of the years. This isn't exactly a guy who is doing without anything.

I have no interest in participating in this chastity kink with him, but as I said before, it is a kink that he can have and use on his own without me being an active participant, there are very few kinks that work that way, I know the two I gave up for him certainly won’t work that way. As long as he is willing to work with me and do what works for me he is free to enjoy this kink all he wants. I’m not saying “No you can’t.”

(No I won’t reveal what the kinks are because I don’t want them to become the focus of the conversation as in “but that’s a lot of extreme then chastity”. It doesn’t matter what they are, the point is; I am doing without them because they aren’t something he can do.)