Not really submissive?

[instinkt]

Hi!

Me and my girlfriend got into chastity play recently again, which made me ask some things myself again.

Usually, I'm the dominant one, and I take the first step too, but yet I enjoy being in chastity quite a bit, and my girlfriend seems to like it as well.

Does it make me a submissive if I like being in chastity?

On the long run, will it change my girlfriend's perspective on me?


I'd be more than happy if someone could answer me these, as I'm a bit lost right now.

Instinkt

[fuzzydunlop]

I think there is a big difference between acting on certain kinks or sexual acts and whether or not it has anything at all to do with identity. I have been with my wife for over 15 years and we have each played out a lot of different roles over the years. We both have somewhat of a preference for being submissive, but we also take on dominant roles because it is fun, creative and we like to please one another.

There is also a big difference between whether you are dominant outside the bedroom and what you like to do inside the bedroom. I am sort of take charge outside the bedroom, but sometimes like to give up control inside the bedroom.

Finally, I don't know that orgasm denial is always dominant or submissive. Playing with control and power is fun. But there is also an element of being teased and building up the sexual energy that doesn't always have something to do with power. Certain Eastern philosophies have ancient ideas of periodic abstinence that are in to experiment.

So, you may feel confused, but it seems that you are having fun with new ideas. That is most important. Se probably thinks you are creative. So long as you both think about each others needs, you will probably enjoy experimenting.

[Tom Allen]

Chastity, even though it's a form of bondage and has aspects of control, is not inherently "submissive." Rather, it's just "kinky."

My wife does not self-identify as "Domme," even though she enjoys denying me for weeks or months at a time, and having me wear a strapon while I'm in my device.

Stop worrying about the label. Just enjoy what you're doing.

[fuzzydunlop]

Chastity, even though it's a form of bondage and has aspects of control, is not inherently "submissive." Rather, it's just "kinky."

My wife does not self-identify as "Domme," even though she enjoys denying me for weeks or months at a time, and having me wear a strapon while I'm in my device.

Stop worrying about the label. Just enjoy what you're doing.

Agreed. Self bondage can be a major kink to some people, for example. That obviously does not involve being submissive to someone else, although those fantasies may be involved.

[Princess K]

I agree that the dominance/submission relationship in the bedroom doesn't necessarily have any relation to the power dynamics outside of it.

I also agree that chastity doesn't necessarily require general sexual submissiveness, though I would argue that having a keyholder or someone who denies your orgasm implies a kind of very specific submissiveness.

But I think there's so much confusion around roles and this is not easy stuff to figure out. Based on my reading on this and other forums/blogs, there seem to be a lot of female keyholders who are really uncomfortable with taking control and a lot of caged males who wish that their mates would be more assertive (this doesn't seem to be your case, instinkt, but it's related to the dominance/submission issue-- please excuse my digression).

On first blush, I assumed that this was all about the way that females have been conditioned to be "nice" and to worry incessantly about other people's feelings. And I figured it must be really tough for a wife of several decades to wake up and one day and learn that her husband suddenly wants to do everything differently. So really, I thought, the main barriers have to do with accepting change and stepping out of one's comfort zone.

But having tried to jump in with both feet once my boyfriend declared himself submissive and slapped on the cb6ks, I'm beginning to realize there's some other factors at work here. When a man decides to live out his fantasies, it's pretty hard for him to avoid steering things towards the experiences that he had always imagined (i.e., topping from the bottom) I wonder how many of these seemingly resistant women simply aren't a little worn down from this. It's really hard and even a little awkward to try on a new sexual persona at someone else's instigation, so what the men think of as encouragement or making helpful suggestions can feel like criticism and pressure.

So to bring it back to your question instinkt, the labels themselves aren't important, but I think couples need to talk as much as possible about expectations. Be clear about whether you should have any input whatsoever into your chastity periods (for example, if you start whining and moaning about being denied too long, should she ignore you or consider your pleas?) I wish I had insisted on these and more answers up front, because once I started getting the feeling that "I'm doing it wrong," it has became much harder to address.

And for the record, chastity alone probably won't cause her to view you as submissive, unless you're the begging type.

[TwistedMister]

Outside of the bedroom I am generally anti-authoritarian tending towards dominance. In nearly every job I have held since joining the Army at 17 I have tended to rise to a position of authority and control, *taking* it even if it was not expressly given. In the bedroom, for many years I was primarily the dominant one during BDSM play, although I usually practiced self-denial until she had been satisfied at least once.

I am not 'submissive', but I have discovered that *forced* control is a major turn-on for me.

So, to answer your question, no, enjoying chastity does not necessarily mean that you are 'submissive'...although you might find yourself forced to be so to some extent...but as long as you and she are enjoying it, who the hell cares what you call it?

[RegularJoe]

My 'submissiveness' is sexual, and it grew with increasing responsibilties and power in my daily life...the bedroom is the one place I truly enjoy relinguishing control. Being in charge 24/7 in the outside world is exhausting.

It only really matters if your partner (or yourself) finds it disturbing....as long as it's between consenting adults (I was going to say between two consenting adults, but that doesn't quite fit my personal situation of three consenting adults).......just enjoy the ride.

[wishful4]

But having tried to jump in with both feet once my boyfriend declared himself submissive and slapped on the cb6ks, I'm beginning to realize there's some other factors at work here. When a man decides to live out his fantasies, it's pretty hard for him to avoid steering things towards the experiences that he had always imagined (i.e., topping from the bottom) I wonder how many of these seemingly resistant women simply aren't a little worn down from this. It's really hard and even a little awkward to try on a new sexual persona at someone else's instigation, so what the men think of as encouragement or making helpful suggestions can feel like criticism and pressure.

So to bring it back to your question instinkt, the labels themselves aren't important, but I think couples need to talk as much as possible about expectations. Be clear about whether you should have any input whatsoever into your chastity periods (for example, if you start whining and moaning about being denied too long, should she ignore you or consider your pleas?) I wish I had insisted on these and more answers up front, because once I started getting the feeling that "I'm doing it wrong," it has became much harder to address.

Princess K,

You are quite a breath of fresh air on this forum. I literally can't count the numbers of setbacks we had in the beginning just due to exactly what you describe. We didn't communicate well with regard to our expectations and by the time I would resort to "topping from the bottom", it would be out of frustration and it would be received as criticism as you describe above. I kept expecting she would "catch on" and she kept trying to tell me that she wasn't sure what I wanted. In turn, I would tell her it's not about what I want, but about what she wants. Confusion and chaos. Finally, out of frustration with me, she took my words at face value and said, "Okay, if it's about what I want, then this is the way it's going to be". Boy, did things change after that. When I would try again to steer the direction of the relationship, she would quickly put a stop to it.

What progress we could have made early on instead of fumbling around thanks to my ineptitude and failure to discuss realistic expectations. The advice you give above may very well be the best advice for a new couple ever given on this forum. I hope all new couples read it over and over again.

[Sub Cy]

First off, great post Princess K. I think that is a really great and thoughtful post with a lot of things I would say too... If I could think of the words lol.

As for the OP and the whole "does it make me submissive" thing... Well with the first there is so much more that goes into that than just chastity. I'm going to go against what most others have said though about the "chastity isn't submissive"... Princess K alluded to it with the whole having a KH thing, and I agree with that. However it's VERY low on a scale of 1-10.

Whether it's going to change her perspective of you... well that's hard to say and I think it will depend on things like what others have said about how direct you are. When my KH and I decided to start playing we were very specific about things. Even things like where I could/couldn't wear it (we were both new to it and didn't want a "slip" and it to cause social problems) and the like.

[Breed36]

My KH loves to get into a submissive mode and have me practice all sorts of typical dom activities on her (candle wax,flogging, light bondage, etc). She has a pretty submissive personality when it comes to kink but at the same time she can quickly take charge of my sexuality, orgasms,etc.

In other words, people usually don't fit nicely in one category or another.

As someone else said dont worry about the labels. They are frequently just a way for us to conceptualize things that do not need concepetualizing. Just communicate, experiment and have fun. Labels are just words. Actions speak loudly.