update

[kpb57]

I'll have to remember that when he's texting me about it.

One thing we wearers of CD's should not forget is that being a keyholder is not easy, at least in the beginning. And that we should not get carried away (too far) by the storm of emotions that being locked up causes inside us.
OTOH, as a KH you should keep in mind that him "being a pest" is a result of very positive feelings he has towards you, which may make it more tolerable.

One more question - how often do yall get released from your cage? I haven't been leaving him in too long at a time since it's still new. Do you get used to wearing it for longer periods after a while?

Over time, his tolerance (physical and mental) for longer lockup times will increase.

Some here (atone!) can tell you that being locked up without release is possible for months. Others (including me) are let out almost daily, and won't be able to stay in the device for more than a few days without taking a break.

You will certainly do well by taking it step by step in the beginning, if only to avoid physical damage that may force a break in the game.

In the end, it depends on what the two of you want to achieve. If he craves being kept on the emotional high that longterm denial causes, and you, as the KH, do not feel a certain kind of loss for missing the experience of him having an orgasm, you will want to go for quite extensive periods of lockup.
OTOH, if what you like is just the "control factor", shorter periods may do it.
And even if you go for longer periods of denial, daily unlocks for cleaning, sleeping or teasing may still be the norm.

I am usually unlocked daily, my longest lockup happened just a week ago and went for 4 days (business trip).

K

[Atone]

Over time, his tolerance (physical and mental) for longer lockup times will increase.

And possibly also his desire for longer times. This is one of those areas that is very individual. Some really need to be in that place where they are really begging for and want an orgasm. Some (myself included right now) really like being in a place where an orgasm is out of the question and the focus is all on serving their spouse. Being let out and given an orgasm would be the worst punishment possible at the moment.

Some here (atone!) can tell you that being locked up without release is possible for months. Others (including me) are let out almost daily, and won't be able to stay in the device for more than a few days without taking a break.

This is the fun of figuring out what works for you. I discovered early on that being let out every couple of days was not what I wanted. I slipped in to long term denial very easily but that was in part because my wife and I had played with short term denial for at least 15 years before we started with chastity. Some of it had become so much a part of our sex life that I didn't even realize we were doing it. I even had an old leather and steel chastity device back in the early 90's that I forgot I even had until I saw a picture of it about a year ago. It never worked for us for other than very short term play (an hour or two) but it was just one more step in getting me to where I am today.

You will certainly do well by taking it step by step in the beginning, if only to avoid physical damage that may force a break in the game.

Agreed, and I think this is also important for the mental aspects as well. I think you would do well to strive for growth in the experience whatever that might look like to both of you.

-A

[kpb57]

And possibly also his desire for longer times.

I forgot about that. While I was literally scared of something like a week (or even three days) in the beginning, after the quite positive experience of my recent business trip (both the lockup/denial and the release) I can feel myself wishing for something like 3 to 4 days "in" and the rest of the week filled with really good and big "bangs". I just don't want to deprive my wife of something she truly loves.
I don't know how I can "drop the hint" to her without making her do it just for my sake. I would only want her to keep me like that if she really likes it for her own sake, also.

K

[Celtic Queen]

It's a highly subjective journey for each and every couple and the best we can offer you here is our unique and varied experiences. Your chastity arrangement will evolve exactly as your marriage has done - no rule books, no perscription and no "this is the right way to do it" regardless of all the other horse shit that is out there on the web.

What you will come to recognise is cycles of behaviours and moods that seem to wax and wane - sometimes exacerbated by T & D, orgasm and length of abstinance. He may be clingy and needy, getting under your feet like a puppy when denied then after orgasm - sulky, bossy and aloof.

I realised that I got a little caught up in these cycles initially but we have practiced chastity now for a couple of years now. Whatever his moods, I am giving him what he wanted and it was him that wanted to submit so however he is behaving - I'm still the Boss and what I say goes. Good submissive behaviour does not equal orgasms gallore, doing the washing up won't automatically get him a handjob and sex happens absolutely on my say so. Naturally, being a woman - the wheres, whens and whys of this is unfathomable to him so it's best that he just behaves all the time

In terms of the practicalities of wearing a cage, I expect him to be absolutely grown up about it. He is released at night as his nocturnal erections mean we both get a crap nights' sleep if he's caged and he keeps it on if he is away from home but has an emergency key. If he gets marks, soreness etc I expect him to tell me and he can keep the cage off until the soreness heals etc. He is then on the honour system and pestering will get him punished swiftly.

I have read all sorts of stuff on forums about guys "cheating" on the cage and refusing to go back in the device and other shenanigans. My take on this is " you got what you wanted, if you continue to bugger about and make it all a bit too difficult for me, I hand you back your key". Simple as that.

You are the boss Toodlej, my advice is to read widely, filter intelligently and communicate always.

Good luck as a KH.

[TwistedMister]

I have read all sorts of stuff on forums about guys "cheating" on the cage and refusing to go back in the device and other shenanigans. My take on this is " you got what you wanted, if you continue to bugger about and make it all a bit too difficult for me, I hand you back your key". Simple as that.

Good luck as a KH.

My wife used this threat initially (before she really got 'into' it) and I found it disturbing, because I felt that it negated the desired aspect of 'forced control', like she was just playing along because it was something *I* wanted. It seemed, essentially, to be handing ultimate control back to me which was exactly what I *didn't* want. I felt that she had other options besides "take your ball and go home, I don't want to play anymore" that would fit in with the dynamic of 'forced' control that we were seeking. The idea was that she was to retain control even if/when it appeared that I was resisting it (I am not normally/naturally 'submissive').

Since I am physically much stronger than she is, we needed a rule to level the field.The rule requires that I must submit to restraints (and the CD is a form of restraint) whenever she demands. Should I fail to do so, she is permitted to use any method necessary to regain control and once she has regained control she is permitted to institute certain penalties that I *know* I will find unpleasant and absolutely will *not* enjoy in the slightest. But this is just our method and what works for us, it is probably not going to be what [most] others want.

[celticqueens_sub]

If you are forcing her to force control on you..... you're in control..?? Maybe I have misunderstood your comment. If you deliberately resisit to get her to 'force' control that could be interpreted as topping from the bottom? As I say maybe I have mis read your meaning.

Rgds

CQ's

[TwistedMister]

If you are forcing her to force control on you..... you're in control..?? Maybe I have misunderstood your comment. If you deliberately resisit to get her to 'force' control that could be interpreted as topping from the bottom? As I say maybe I have mis read your meaning.

Yes, this was a problem and one of my concerns, when we first started down this road. 'Topping from the bottom' was one of the things that bothered me and I wanted to avoid it. On re-reading I see that it isn't clear that I'm talking about two different time periods and that I've jumbled some ideas together which makes things even less clear.

I explained the problem to her, in regards to who was actually in control and how it was my desire to *not* be in control. Then I let it go, I didn't push her to be in control, nor did I 'deliberately resist' in order to get her to 'force' control. I real time, a number of years passed during which we played little, if at all because the realities of life made it difficult. In fact, for a fairly long period of time we were maintaining two households and living and working in three different states so we rarely even saw each other for the better part of about two years- not because we were having problems with *us*, but because of the demands of employment and geographical distance.

Eventually, circumstances changed and we were once again back to one household and working in the same area. I provided her with the opportunity to *take* control if and when she wanted to, and let her know that it was up to her. Then, one day she decided that she wanted to have another go at it, without any prompting from me. It was at this point that we discussed the rule I mentioned, because I know myself and I know her, and I knew that there could be times when I might be resistant (as I said, I am *not* the 'submissive' type) and could appear to not be interested in continuing the 'game'. Knowing her, I knew that if *I* seemed the slightest bit 'negative' she would drop the 'game' instantly, in essence, deferring to me. I wanted to avoid this, and needed to make it clear that if she wanted to retain control she was free to do so regardless of any appearance I might give of not wishing it. Of course, I also needed to give her the freedom and 'tools' needed to enforce her control. The idea was to give myself no way out for the duration of the 'game'- some people get their thrills from a roller-coaster, once the ride starts, you can't get off until it ends, no matter how much you might (at some point) want to. I see this in a similar manner.

I haven't tested her determination to retain control- One of the penalties is something that I find so unpleasant that I have not been willing to risk it. (It is something that is fairly innocuous, not sexual, and would cause no injury...but it is something I detest intensely.)

(For the record, she *did* insist on a 'master safeword' which I could use to stop the 'game' completely (she was worried about "crossing a line" despite my assurances the my list of 'limits' was the only 'safety net' I desired)...but I've forgotten what it was.)

I don't know if this makes it any clearer or whether I've just confused you even more.


P.S.: This is in no way a recommendation that anyone reading this institute such a 'no way out' rule. There may be a [substantial] risk of getting into a situation that you may *truly* want to get out of, and you may find yourself unable to do so. My wife and I have a nearly 30 year history and I believe that I know her well enough to be reasonably sure (99%) that this isn't going to happen with us...but the small uncertainty gives me a thrill and I'm willing to accept the [remote] possibility that I could have to endure a situation that I find I would rather not repeat (and our rules/limits allow such modifications in the event that this occurs, but *after* the event) and I would have no one to blame but myself.

Everyone engaging in 'power exchange' play should be familiar with the terms SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) and know the difference.

[Celtic Queen]

Just as a point of clarification - the handing back of the key is not a withdrawal from the chastity game in our agreement. It isn't "dropping the game" in order to defer in any way. It's just a clear statement that he needs to earn the priviledge of wearing the ultimate symbol of my control. It's several steps on from where you are pointing and if your wife grows in confidence and dominance, she will get this completely (sounds like she's well on the way ). You move on from a physical restraining device to psychological restraint and the greatest punishment a Domme can bring is the removal of that control.

I accept it does sound somewhat counter-intuitive but it's axiomatic that submission requires attention just like children will misbehave even if it brings sanctions because that's better than being ignored. It's great that she holds a completely non sexual sanction that you fear - that works exactly along these lines. My hub hates being out of his device even though his cycle of submissiveness definately waxes and wanes.

[poor]

It's been a fantastic few months for me and as much as I'd like to kick over the traces and be brought back into line there is no way that I'd be prepared to risk jeopardising this.

I'm also making sure that I'm not giving 'tells' when I want to be shackled. That way I'm totally sure that I'm dancing to her tune, rather than her just playing my music for me to dance.