Keyholders point of view

[gungadn]

Belle said something in another thread that is extremely critical. I wanted to highlight her comment and expand on it in its own thread as I feel it is way to valuable a comment not to be read by all.....

Those of us in committed relationships who practice chastity often have guilt over denying the
orgasms, even though we know that is what our partner wants.

A major obstacle as I see it: Guilt!!! (As Belle mentioned above).

Imagine for a moment, a completely vanilla couple in a completely vanilla relationship. It is socially acceptable and would be considered normal for the girl in that relationship to “take care” of her man orally or manually without any expectation of reciprocation. But, how socially acceptable or normal would it be considered if you heard about the man in this relationship “taking care” of his woman orally or manually without any expectation of, or receiving reciprocation? Not a likely scenario… If the mans friends found out about it, he would be teased mercilessly or even ostracized….

From our point of view, it is “normal” to receive without giving. So, we have no clue why our wives wouldn’t be overjoyed and jumping at the chance to get this all the time. It is a very small change for us as it is “normal” in our minds for one partner to get without giving.

The next time you get frustrated and don’t understand “why won’t my wife _____?”. Take a moment to look at it from her point of view. And understand the guilt she is probably feeling and trying to deal with.

[Tom Allen]

But, how socially acceptable or normal would it be considered if you heard about the man in this relationship “taking care” of his woman orally or manually without any expectation of, or receiving reciprocation? Not a likely scenario…

Heh. Twenty something years ago, when I was dating Mrs. Edge, I was getting ready to leave her apartment for the evening, and she came out into the hallway to give me a goodbye kiss. As we were pashing, I reached into her jeans and began fondling her. She gave me the obligatory "Stop, don't" for a few moments, which quickly turned into "Don't stop!"

Using my fingers, I gave her a quick but apparently satisfying orgasm (or so I assumed because of the moaning). After she came down, she asked "But what about you? We don't have time..."

I just gave her a kiss and told her that I was going to "save it up" until I saw her on the weekend.

Much later on, she told me that she found that really exciting, and that the thought of me "saving it up" for the rest of the week really, *really* had her turned on for the next few days.

[celticqueens_sub]

I just gave her a kiss and told her that I was going to "save it up" until I saw her on the weekend.

Dude...... Oldest trick in the book... and gets you laid EVERY SINGLE time!!!!

I do get what you mean though. I think it shows some women really do appreciate that a man can commit himself to her and make her feel special.

[gungadn]

Much later on, she told me that she found that really exciting, and that the thought of me "saving it up" for the rest of the week really, *really* had her turned on for the next few days.

And you proposed to her the next day?

[Tom Allen]

Dude...... Oldest trick in the book... and gets you laid EVERY SINGLE time!!!!

To you, maybe. That was 25 years ago, before the internet warped my mind.

[celticqueens_sub]

Dude...... Oldest trick in the book... and gets you laid EVERY SINGLE time!!!!

To you, maybe. That was 25 years ago, before the internet warped my mind.

Ah yes.... My dim and distant yoof ......

[Belle]

Wow, didn't realize that anyone actually read my ramblings....

Thankfully Jnuts understands the guilt feeling that I have. That is why I take feedback from him during the cycles. Many may see it as "topping from the bottom" but it is what I need to be able to be in the role that he wants me in.

This is one of my biggest complaints with the blogs out there. There is very little from the vanillaish female side, and I know that we exist. I had a very hard time adjusting to chastity and my new role. There was not much out there for me to read a year ago when we first started that was not written by a Dom. I don't identify with 98% of what I read, they did not address the guilt and strange new set of emotions that a tiny key represented.

[kpb57]

Belle,

forget most of what is said about "topping from the bottom". I have the strong suspicion that it comes from people who
- don't have the strength of character to adjust their own desires to those of the partner
- can't take cues because of lack of empathy
- are basically spoiled brats who never had to face a situation where their wishes were not fulfilled on the spot
- don't have the talent to slowly guide the bottom to explore her/his limits and probably expand them

In any sane relationship/situation that involves some form of handing over control (and be it just control of your hands because of the handcuffs he/she snapped on you), the "bottom" has the final control of what's happening, in the extreme by using the safeword and ending the "scene" right there and now. The "top" has to make sure that it does not come to this by carefully taking notice of the cues she/he gets from the "bottom". OTOH, one of the things tops should do before entering into a relationship that involves power exchange is to bring the bottom to use her/his safeword once. Only when you positively know that your partner will call "stop" when you go too far, you can play the game without feelings of guilt or the risk of it exploding right in your face.
MC, in my view, is just a "scene" in the BDSM sense of the word that takes place over much more time and space, but follows the same basic rules.

That is exactly what you do, and it shows your strength because you lovingly immerse yourself into his fantasies and desires. You're doing great. Make sure he knows that you will react to an emergency call, and there's no reason for you to feel "guilty". Instread you should be proud of yourself for being who you are, and doing what you do.

My wife is hopefully as proud of herself than I am for having her.

K

[celticqueens_sub]

Instead you should be proud of yourself for being who you are, and doing what you do.

I think kbp57 has nailed it with that sentence.

[fuzzydunlop]

I think it is important not to underestimate how much hard work, time and communication goes into building a relationship that is satisfying over the long term. It find the mix of folks who post here really interesting in large part because of the realistic tone and expectations you don't often find on sex forums. (Though I agree with Belle that it would be nice to see more vanilla-ish women).

I've been interested in enforced chastity about half my life, so about the last 20 years. When I met my wife 15 years ago, chastity was something we fantasized about but we were students, with a lot time on our hands, and very eager to show our appreciation to one another. Going more than a few days without an orgasm seemed un-possible. Also, messing around with "roles" in our relationship seemed like a distraction and pressure.

Now, we've been married more than a decade and have a busy family. The opportunities aren't the same for spontaneous gratification. MB leaves me a little lonely and in attentive. Our drives have been down at points due to stress.

These days, I think my wife really enjoys the heightened level of attention I give her with a little denial. She got over feeling pressure to please me when she was sick with child and I showed I could go well over a month with no O. And she's clear that I overall like the arrangement, albeit I have moments of weakness. And our sex has been rebounding---in terms of quality over quantity.

I know this rambled and all but the discussion reminded me of these points---different couples and different people need different things at different times. Early on, we didn't play with chastity much, but now my wife seems to like the control and having a tool to bring our relationship to the center of my attention. Taking sex off the table for periods of time has helped build trust that I am not doing any given favor out of a hope of it turning into sex right away.