[Chosen_Jackal] Pinch me, is this really happening?

[Chosen_Jackal]

I try to write as honestly and truthfully as possible about my experiences with Red and this journey we’re on together.
I write because I enjoy writing.
Because it’s almost therapeutic at times to get my thoughts organized into words on a page.
I write for myself. If anyone else finds something valuable or entertaining in what I write then that is a great honor and pleasure to me, but it’s first and foremost for me to have a journal to look back at.
I also consider it important to write about the positive aspects and experiences of this journey as well as the negatives.
Honest and truthful.
That’s also why some of these entries are as long as they are.

It’s been a strange couple of weeks. Red and I had our first major hurdle in our road together a few weeks back.
We came close to quitting chastity and our pursuit of living in an FLR completely.
As always we solved it with communication. I’m proud to say that the one thing we’re better at than ever is how we’re able to respect each other communicate, even when emotions are running high.
I’ve spent the last couple of weeks learning how to let go of the controls and letting Red lead.
I’ve come to realize that parts of me has always tried to keep some control over this journey and that it’s impossible for Red to blossom into her full potential unless I let go.
Completely.

So I’m really trying. And I can tell she is as well.
That doesn’t mean there’s not occasional bumps in the road still, but we talk about them and get past them.
Yesterday for example was a lesson in how we’re doing better and how I’m still repeating old mistakes.

It turns out that Red is really turned on when I beg and plead to cum. She wants me to tell her I’m desperate.
The problem for me is that it’s really unnatural for me to do that. Especially spontaneously. It’s easy if we’re already in bed and she’s edging me mercilessly, but not out of the blue.
I’m about three weeks away from my last orgasm and as most men in chastity knows, this is when things usually start to feel heavy.
My body has this constant thrumming and buzzing that reminds me that I haven’t had an orgasm in a while and there’s a constant need for release.
Red has also been extremely "selfish" in bed during these weeks and had me pleasure her daily, sometimes more than once a day, but except for one ruined orgasm that I practically begged for about two weeks ago there’s been minimal touch for me.
Thinking back at how I more or less begged for that release I realized that I need to find a way to "beg" her that feels natural for me.
So I sent her a message where I simply said that I’ve been extremely horny for a long time now. I said I was willing to do anything she wanted if there’s a chance she would do something. Anything to let me feel her touch.
She replied that if I cleaned the shower then she’d give me a tongue massage.
I was ecstatic!

Now, I mentioned that I also repeated old mistakes.
I’ve been dissatisfied with most of my cages for a while. I’m getting into much better shape and losing a lot of weight so the cages that used to fit like a glove isn’t really working as well anymore. So I’ve ordered a few cheap ones of various styles to test some alternatives and one of them arrived in the mail yesterday.
Red has temporarily give me a key since I’ve dealt with a medical issue that has meant I’ve had to quickly unlock at certain periods, but this issue has passed.
I’ve forgotten to return the key, and in my stupidity I thought there would be no harm in me changing cages without consulting her first.
This goes back to me making it hard for Red to take full control when I keep sabotaging from the sidelines.
I feel no should mention that I could’ve switched back to the original cage without ever telling her, but I don’t want that dishonesty to be normalized in our relationship.
She was disappointed in me and more than a little annoyed.
This made me really think about all the little things I do that makes it harder for our dynamic to grow and all the little things I can do to make it easier for the both of us.
We talked and I was eventually forgiven since I bought and assembled new garden furniture for.
She’s only been mentioning that she wants that for months so maybe it’s a good idea to listen and do the things she wants from me.

So I cleaned the shower, bought and built garden furniture and did anything she asked of me. I told her that I recognize that that doesn’t mean I’m owed anything and that I will accept whatever she decides without any arguments.
I thinks she was pleased with me because when we finally got to bed I could tell she was in the mood.
She licked the tip of my cock through the cage and seemed to enjoy watching me trying to get hard, and failing, in the cage.
She tied my arms above my head with leather restraints and sat on my face while she kept teasing me.
I was in heaven.
She eventually unlocked me and started stroking and sucking on me.
I swear that I’d forgotten how good that actually feels.
Thinking back at it I feel like this whole chastity thing is a really stupid idea! Who wouldn’t want that way more often.

I’m not going to go into too much detail, but I want to mention the hottest thing I think she’s ever done to me.
She eventually let me enter her and fuck her for a while.
I’m really sensitive after weeks of no touching so I told her I wouldn’t be able to last long like this.
"It’s alright she said. You can cum", she said.
"Inside you?!?"
I heard how pathetically eager my voice got and I felt embarrassed.
"Sure", she said.
And as I kept thrusting she suddenly said, "I’m kidding", and pulled away.
If she’d done it five seconds earlier nothing would have happened and if she’d done it five seconds later I’d have exploded inside her.
What happened was a gloriously frustrating ruined orgasm that made a mess between us.
It was a total mindfuck and I loved it.

I’m going to beg a lot more if this is what I get out of it.

[Tongue+groove]

. I’m going to beg a lot more if this is what I get out of it.

A word of caution that I’m sure you don’t need, but she probably has a line in the sand. Cross it and her attitude may change.

Sounds like you had a wonderful time.

[Chosen_Jackal]

If I cross that line I expect she’ll mock and deny me. I’d say that’s worth the risk!

[Chosen_Jackal]

Last night with Red was something else entirely. Intense doesn’t even begin to cover it.

Red is really coming into her own as a tease. She kept me on edge for so long, skating that fine line between unbearable pleasure and total surrender. The sensation alone was mind-melting, but what made it unforgettable was the way she played with me. Not because I begged for it (though I did, shamelessly), and not because she felt obligated. She did it because she wanted to. I could feel that in every stroke, every word, every calculated pause.

And that did something to me. It let me stop managing, stop analyzing. I didn’t have to second-guess if she was enjoying it. I could finally let go of that old habit of sabotaging myself when things get too real, too vulnerable. I could just give in.

She humiliated me beautifully, casually. It’s funny. I don’t really feel insecure about the size of my penis anymore. Not truly. But when she says things like, “Does your little penis want to cum this badly?” I melt. Not because I believe the words, but because she knows exactly how to use them to own me. It’s not even about my body. It’s about my need, my desperation, my pathetic little whimpers. She sees all of it, and instead of flinching, she pushes on it.

I begged. I actually begged to cum. I offered myself with no pride. And she gave me a true ruined orgasm. A thick white dribble. No pleasure. No climax. Just release without reward. And then she forced another one out of me, laughing as I squirmed and pleaded for mercy.

That was the breaking point. I wasn’t acting pathetic. I was pathetic. Spent. Used. Loved.

And somehow, that’s when I felt closest to her.

We laughed together. Kissed. She cleaned me up, told me what a mess I was, and locked me back in my cage.

It was perfect.

[Tongue+groove]

Isn’t this an amazing dynamic. I remember a similar situation with us. There’s something about surrendering control to her and let her do her thing. Then the begging, it’s the helplessness of not being in control. And just when you think you’ve climaxed, it gets ruined. And finally the icing on the cake. Being told your a mess. For me her words will live forever in my mind.

“You’re a disgusting messy little boy, clean yourself up.” Yeah she actually said that as she left the room. What a strange mindset words can put you in.

You may want to pick up some flowers when you’re out today.

[Chosen_Jackal]

I’d never think I’d be so into being humiliated and used as I am until I really surrendered to her, so yes, it’s an amazing dynamic indeed.

I did buy her flowers last week, but maybe she’s due another bouquet?

[Chosen_Jackal]

All good things must come to an end.

That’s how it felt last night. Quiet, ordinary, untouched. After two incredible evenings where Red had me on edge, helpless and vibrating with need. I know I’m being dramatic. Every rational part of me knew we’d return to our usual rhythm: me caged and denied, her pleasure at the center. But still, a part of me hoped she’d play with me again.

Oh well. I guess I shouldn’t complain.

There is something new, though. Something exciting. I’ve been steadily increasing how long I can wear my butt plug, and last night marked a breakthrough. I slept with it in for the first time. I’ve been plugging every evening after work, wearing it as long as I can on weekends. Right now it’s the Snug Plug 3 from b-vibe, but I think I’ll move up to a 4 soon.

Cock caged. Ass plugged. I don’t fully understand why this turns me on as much as it does, but it does. Deeply. It’s thrilling. It’s humiliating. It’s something.

It’s been 22 days since my last orgasm, and Red hasn’t given me the faintest hint about when I’ll be allowed another. That silence is electric. We’ve joked about me only being allowed one orgasm per month. So far I’ve had thirteen this year, which means I’m way off track. I’d need to go until February just to bring the average back in line.

And honestly? I’d like to try. Just to see. See if I crumble. See if I become a pleading, desperate mess. A man whose entire existence is hunger. A man who aches for her to keep going.

It would be brutal.

These last four or five days have been torture already. I’m horny in a way that feels like a full-body ache, an ever-present throb that hijacks my every thought. Sometimes it fades, but only so it can return fiercer than before.

I hate it. And I love it.

But I think I love it more.

Not that it matters what I want. It’s not my decision. It’s hers. And whatever Red decides, I’ll follow. I trust her. Not just to lead, but to decide what kind of man I get to be.

Whatever path she chooses for me, I’ll walk it. Because she’s the one choosing it.

And that makes it right.

[Chosen_Jackal]

I’m lying in bed next to Red as I’m writing this. She’s sleeping peacefully and the sounds of her soft breathing makes me want to put my arm around her and squeeze her tight. Push her body close to mine and never let go.

Shes having surgery today.

It’s elective and it’s there’s no real chance of complications. The surgeons have done this procedure thousands of times so she’s in good hands.
I’ve even had the exact same procedure done with no issues whatsoever.
But the love of my life is going under anesthesia and I can’t help worry for her. Not because I think anything will happen, but it makes me think and appreciate how much she means to me.

The truth is that she’s the one who’s been nervous about the procedure up until this moment, but now that the day is here I’m feeling it too.
I’m not showing her that I’m nervous. It’s not what she needs from me right now.
I can pretend to play the safe and sturdy rock for a few hours more.

And once it’s all over I know her quality of life will improve.
Dramatically.
And I can’t wait to be there and to serve her for the rest of my life.

I love her so much.

[Tongue+groove]

Here’s wishing her a speedy recovery

[Chosen_Jackal]

Tonight I held the key in my hand. Just held it. I was tired. Really tired. Not just from the day, but from everything these last few months have brought. Red gave me the keys in case of emergency since she’s staying at the hospital over night following her surgery.
I was horny. Frustrated. Worn out. And for a moment, I thought about unlocking myself and just… taking the edge off.

But I didn’t.

Because what I really want isn’t release. It’s knowing that when I do get to come, it’s because she wants me to. Because she’s the one who decides. That matters more to me than a few seconds of relief.

She reminded me of that yesterday.

We checked into the hotel and she played with me. She unlocked me, slapped my balls, and stroked me with purpose. It felt so good, so sharp and controlled. She didn’t let me cum. Instead, she gave me the tiniest ruined orgasm. Just enough to push me over without any real release. It left me aching, frustrated, and completely under her control.

And then she looked at me and asked, “Do you feel like you have to perform?”

That question hit me hard. Because the answer is yes, I do feel that way, more often than I admit. Like I need to be good enough. Impressive. Desirable. Like I have to earn her love and attention.

But I said no. I told her I didn’t have to perform. And in saying that, something shifted.

I realized I could let go of that pressure. That this isn’t about me trying to prove something. It’s about letting her lead. Letting her show me what she wants me to feel. I don’t have to push or strive or manage the moment. I just have to be hers.

And that felt… freeing.

She doesn’t want a perfect show. She wants me needy, messy, quiet, desperate and obedient. Me, exactly as I am when I stop trying to be something more.

So no. I didn’t use the key.

I’m still locked. Still aching. But it’s hers. All of it.