Chastity for a long time, how ???

[celticqueens_sub]

AFAIK, there is NO physiological reason for a woman's desire to vanish when she goes past the age of fertility.
Ask dev.

Chastity, as practized by most of the people here, actually means a more intimate life. With both partners involved heavily.

K

Dev here and yes, absolutely. Bert, you brought up the question a few weeks ago in another thread, "How do I tell my wife?" Various folks had a few suggestions for you. It seems you didn't follow through on that and now it is several weeks later and she still doesn't know. Personally, I think the longer you go the harder it will be to tell her--and if it were me, the more upset I'd be that you hadn't told me. I don't like secrets and if I knew my husband had a secret like this he'd been keeping from me, right under my nose--well, to put it mildly, I'd probably go batshit crazy. I really don't think you're taking the proper approach and as Thumper said, chastity might not even be the right solution. If I recall correctly, you also bought a fairly pricey chain mail device which might be another reason for your wife to go beserk. "You spent HOW MUCH MONEY on this perverted idea of yours?!?" Frankly, I think you need to start being honest with her about what you are doing. You also need to be honest about your wants and needs. At 50, she is still plenty young enough to have an active and vibrant sex life. If she's not willing to go there and do that with you/for you, you really need to consider how to address this issue, whether it be counseling, couples therapy, and open relationship or something else.

Chastity can solve problems, this is true, but it needs to be a process with both members of the couple being actively and intimately involved. I'm only one person on the internet but reading what I have from you, it doesn't sound like you are approaching this in a positive problem-solving fashion.

Good luck,

Dev

What Dev said is spot on in my view. I really don't get why you want chastity? It makes me want to fuck my wife's brains out! The point for us is it allows CQ to chose when.... If your wife has lost her sex drive.. MC is nit going to help at all.... I cannot workout from my experience how and why you would hide it? I think I may not be getting the point of your original post...

[Celtic Queen]

Bert, if I am understanding you correctly, you seem to want celibacy rather than chastity so that you can feel equal with her - as in no sex drive and no need for intimacy. That is an act of love and sacrifice on your part and - in my view, rather commendable and sweet.

However...

If there is a worse way of doing this than secretly wearing a chastity device, then I am at a loss to see what it might be.

As advised in earlier posts, I think you need to tackle the root issues of why your wife does not want intimacy with you and whether you can accept a sexless marriage going forward. Some people can and that works for them but I could confidently bet that they achieve this through communication, negotiation and then implementing a practical solution which could be anything from an open marriage to turning a blind eye to affairs. Chastity devices are only going to make your problem worse unless it is a "solution" that you both agree on. Attempting to solve this by yourself, in secrecy and isolation is only going to end in further frustration. You can't negate the male sex drive - only harness it.

Trust us, we're all (s)experts on here ;-D

[justplaying]

Bert;

I also had trouble bringing up this subject with my wife. But it must be talked about or it will absolutely ruin a relationship. In my particular case (my wife and I are both in our early fifties), we have had a below average sex life. Mostly this stems from our earlier sexual experiences being so different. It was difficult for us to get on the same page about sex. She was very vanilla sex only and I always wanted a full banana split with all the toppings (so to speak). Monogamy was key to our relationship, so fantasy became my outlet. Unfortunately, the more I fantasized the more I masturbated with someone or something else in mind. This went on for years and without realizing it, really ruined our sense of intimacy because anytime she showed even the slightest hint of being aroused, I would pounce. The ensuing sexual intercourse would be awful for her and mediocre for me. Then I realized that since every time I initiated sex it was awful, why not just tell her that from now on, no sex unless she initiated it. The sex was better, but less frequent.

Back to masturbation for me....However, as we got older I realized (almost too late) that she felt very alone. There was no intimacy between us. That's when I decided that I needed to find a way that we could get on the same page. One evening over a glass of wine, I explained that I had a chronic problem and needed her help to solve it. I explained that I realized that our sex drives are very far apart and that its nobodies fault. It's just the way it turned out. I told her that I realized that it wasn't fair that I made her feel pressured into sex because my sex drive was high and hers wasn't. It made her feel guilty and like a failure and perhaps even anxious that I might want to leave her or cheat on her. Well in fact I was cheating on her by masturbating every day. I looked at it as taking the edge off....giving her a break from the constant pressure on her to make love with me. What I didn't realize (until it was almost too late), was that we both started to drift apart due to the lack of intimacy.

AND that's when I started looking into male chastity. I read Sarah's blog first. I read about her and John and I used the free guide she sent me from her site to figure out how to approach the topic and what to emphasize in the discussion. I played up the benefits to her. She would be in control etc. I emailed each of the guideline texts to her (only edited one line out because my wife wouldn't care for a particular word that was used). This is personal, so you have to figure that part on your own....She read them and said, if you really want to try this I will do it. Her rationale was that she wanted the intimacy back and if this was what it took, it was more of a burden on me then her (at least that's what she thought at the time). The key to our discussion was a focus on getting back to where we felt close to each other again.

The result? At first she was shocked, then angry, then ashamed that she had driven me to porn and masturbation. I eventually assured her that it wasn't her fault at all. I had grown up this way. I explained that our sexual experiences shaped how we think about sex as a mature adult. I asked her to help me. To help us...to find a way that we can not feel pressured about sex and find a way to embrace the early part of our relationship as young lovers...to embrace the intimacy of a simple kiss, the flirting glance, the touch of holding hands while taking a walk. At first, it seemed crazy to me...to lock myself up and have her hold the key. But now only 8 months later a truth has been found. I have been conditioned to accept her control over my need to orgasm. I want to orgasm badly everyday, but I want to satisfy her even more than that. Now every time we kiss, or she says I love you, I feel like she is teasing me on. I crave her more than porn, more than masturbation. I want the real thing that I now have with her not the fantasy. And from her side, she now doesn't feel pressured into "having sex" with me. We make love now. And in between making love she teases me. We are as intimate today as we have been since our early dating days....

Now having said all that....there are times when life gets in the way and she doesn't tease me....in those cases I do feel just locked up....but then we talk about it and re-light the flame. You have to talk about it or it will surely fail. If you can't talk about it try writing it out. Thumper did that with Belle (see his about the bunny posts). Everybody that posts here is doing that in some way or another. And if that doesn't work for you seek professional help. But don't throw it away or keep secrets. Nothing pisses off a spouse more than the other partner keeping a secret.

Best of luck to you! JP

[Bert]

Thank you all for your support. It became a topic with long repleis, heavy words and lot of supports. I only want to know some technical details and experiences of being locked for a long time. I have to find away to discuss it with my wife. It will take some time I think for her to get use to the idea of being locked up for a man. In her opinion it will be strange because she has no other idea/fantasy of sex than just straight. Everything that is different from this is in her believe no love but lust. Ok I give it a go step by step.

[kpb57]

Love without lust gets old with time.

One thing I noticed about all those couples that have a happy long marriage: there is always that moment where you can see the special twinkle in their eyes that says "I want YOU. I need YOU. ALL of you."

My wife became open to the idea of locking me up because we have had "alternative sex" almost since we started.

K