An Introduction, and questions on my plans

[Nikki6]

In introduction, I'm Nikki and my husband J is fairly kinky. For a long time I've been happy to indulge his fantasies to the best of my abilities, but draw the line at my own limits. So I've let him play out his cuckold fantasy sometimes with role playing and dirty talk. I satisfy his cleanup fantasies by snowballing him after a BJ, but letting him go down after is just too squicky for me.

He asked me for enforced male chastity play something like five years ago. I recognize a lot of what I didn't like in it (which wasn't everything, I had fun!) in threads here. Basically, he wanted me to use chastity as a kind of 'husband improvement program" with a lot of rules and punishments. I don't need more kids to raise and told him I didn't want to police him. We played on and off for maybe three years and then stopped because I went back to school and was just way too busy. So now I'm done with school, back on regular hours, and we started up again last week. I told him that this time, I'd only play if it's my rules, which are:
1) We play for as long as I want to play. If he wants to stop, then the game is really over and might never restart.
2) The default is that he can't cum. If I want him to cum I'll tell him, and otherwise I don't want him asking me. If I didn't say anything, it's no.
3) He wanted to use a cage for when I'm at work (I work at a hospital, he often works at home). Cages are not a turn-on for me. They're just so......so..... I told him he could wear one, but he had to buy it and manage it, I will just take the key from him, and give it back when I get home.

So what I'm looking for, in two areas. First, I know he has all these ideas around me keeping him locked up for a month or more, but for me doing a week or two at a stretch is way more my speed. I almost never went past three weeks back when we played before. If I ask him, he just says it's up to me and that he can go longer than I'd think. But I'm not really interested in that (more in a sec), but I think shorter works for him anyway. When he's really wound up like this, a single orgasm doesn't even seem to wipe him out anyway.

And second, just trying to deal with sex in this game. I occasionally like oral, but for me sex is mostly PinV. When he gets too aroused (like from his kinks!) then he can't last or will start/stop, which is just frustrating. Sex for us is normally 1-2 times a week, and I'm not really up for making that once every month or two. J has suggested a strap on, but that would likely only work as a novelty for me, and it really needs to be realistic in feel. I have one dildo now (of about 20 I tried) that I like, mainly because it (once warmed up) feels almost exactly like the real thing.

[KittensBoyToy]

Welcome to the forum, Nikki. Just a couple of suggestions that I hope might help. Tying your rule number 1 with the last sentence in the first paragraph (take the key from him, and give it back when I get home) change your mind sometimes..."I decided to keep the keys tonight. Maybe I'll give them back when I get home tomorrow." Keep him guessing on your intentions.

M'Lady, like you, wasn't a fan of dildos until we invested in a Vixskin at the suggestion of others on here. https://vixencreations.com/ They have enough variety that you are almost sure to find the one that is perfect to you.

Heating it up in a large mug of hot tap water, plenty of lube, and using a decent harness that holds it in the right position made all the difference to her.

[TwistedMister]

Welcome to the forum. I'm not sure what your questions are, so I'll just ramble a bit. 'Clean-up'- you're OK with giving and getting oral, you're OK with letting him cum in your mouth, and you're OK with giving him back the cum in his mouth...but there is some difference in him getting cum in his mouth while giving you oral? My wife started making me do that many years ago, on her own initiative (it was a complete surprise to me, I didn't ask for it, never mentioned anything about it, and had no clue that she would want to do something like that). She enjoys it very much, she says that it is much better than just 'regular' oral.

Enforced chastity- you holding the key puts you in control. If you don't want 'rules' and 'punishments', you don't have to have them. *You* decide how long he stays locked, and if you want PIV you unlock him and get PIV. There are ways of dealing with his inability to 'last' when he gets too horny, such as numbing cream (with or without condoms) or one or more 'ruined' orgasms beforehand if you can get good at giving them so that he stays hard.

There are some threads here discussing the merits of certain 'realistic' dildos for strap-on use, and warming them in water prior to use for even more realistic feel. I think 'VixSkin' is the name, or something like that. Tom can probably tell you more about that, if you want to know.

[Peaches]

There's a spray that I'm considering getting for my hubby - full name: Promescent Delay Spray Sexual Enhancer for Men to Last Longer in Bed, Climax Control Numbing Cream with Lidocaine for Male Genital Desensitizing - Increase Duration, Performance, and Stamina. Have you tried that or anything like it?
I like a lot of dildos (seldom met one I don't like), but the strap-on one that we have is rather large

[gungadn]

To quote Tom Allen in other threads.... "I'm going to go on record here to say that your husband is reading too much porn. The stuff that he mentioned, that it will make him a better husband, that he'll be more attentive, that he'll do chores, whatever, is all part of the "men need chastity to be better partners" trope that everyone runs into when exploring this. Frankly, it's bullshit. My take has always been that if you need hand $200 worth of plastic on your junk to be a better partner, then you're better off spending that money on a therapist."

If he truly wants you to be in control, then, you have the control. If you are comfortable with 2 days at a time. Then, 2 days at a time is what it will be. The rules you set up seem to be a great start. Like you put right in rule #1 - it lasts as long as you want it to last. And, if he wants to be locked, the only punishment you need is to tell him the game is over and he has to remove the device if he doesn't play it your way.

The length.. I guess its a Man thing to always be competitive. I've done 3 weeks, I want to see if I can go 4. XXX on the internet swears he has done 3 years, I should just make it permanent. this is also a factor of the too much porn. Common thread in the fantasy stories (written by men) is locks ending up to be forced long term. But, again, its your choice. The "punishment" for that kind of talk is to release him immediately and enjoy some PinV (your preferred method) until he comes.

The only comment I have is about the cage. You didn't really say why you don't like them. But, if its just the look, there are lots of options available now. I would explore the options available and look to see if there is one you do like. My wife also didn't like the thought of the cage. Spent way too much anxiety over the cages until I finally realized it was the cheap plastic "fake penis" looking cages she didn't like and she realized there were options. We went online together.. Looked at options.. She now loves the look of me locked up for her in my little stainless steel device. That may not help. But, its worth looking at the options available.

[Homebody]

There's a spray that I'm considering getting for my hubby - full name: Promescent Delay Spray Sexual Enhancer for Men to Last Longer in Bed, Climax Control Numbing Cream with Lidocaine for Male Genital Desensitizing - Increase Duration, Performance, and Stamina. Have you tried that or anything like it?
I like a lot of dildos (seldom met one I don't like), but the strap-on one that we have is rather large

I have been hearing ads for this product. If anyone has tried it I would also be interested in your experience.

[Aredlight]

Hi and welcome. I'll keep this short and sweet. If he wants you to be the keyholder, it's on YOUR terms (of course he needs to agree). The point being that You are in control, and you make the rules. If you want PIV multiple times a week, so be it....bit I would suggest that your ORDERING him to have sex with you and For you...it's about your pleasure. And have him clean up and lock up immediately afterwards.

Oh, also - because they're your rules, you can change them whenever you want. Keep him guessing.

Have fun!

[TwistedMister]

To quote Tom Allen in other threads.... "I'm going to go on record here to say that your husband is reading too much porn. The stuff that he mentioned, that it will make him a better husband, that he'll be more attentive, that he'll do chores, whatever, is all part of the "men need chastity to be better partners" trope that everyone runs into when exploring this. Frankly, it's bullshit. My take has always been that if you need hand $200 worth of plastic on your junk to be a better partner, then you're better off spending that money on a therapist."

I'm going to partly disagree here. While I don't believe a cage is going to immediately turn an asshole into 'Mr. Considerate', I have noticed in myself that there *are* certain [subtle] changes in the way I think and my attitude. With the right approach, such changes can be taken advantage of, reinforced and compounded over time. This is neither 'right' nor 'wrong', it simply 'is'.

If he truly wants you to be in control, then, you have the control. If you are comfortable with 2 days at a time. Then, 2 days at a time is what it will be. The rules you set up seem to be a great start. Like you put right in rule #1 - it lasts as long as you want it to last. And, if he wants to be locked, the only punishment you need is to tell him the game is over and he has to remove the device if he doesn't play it your way.

These two ideas are sort of in opposition, because, ultimately, it still leaves *him* in control. If he decides he wants to quit, then all he has to do is be a 'brat' and 'boom', he gets out of it. Will it work on some? Maybe, but then the KH is giving up some power and control. It could also spark some resentment or other negative attitudes, on both sides, somewhere down the line. To my mind, if the KH is *really* going to be 'in control', another approach needs to be found.

The length.. I guess its a Man thing to always be competitive. I've done 3 weeks, I want to see if I can go 4. XXX on the internet swears he has done 3 years, I should just make it permanent. this is also a factor of the too much porn. Common thread in the fantasy stories (written by men) is locks ending up to be forced long term. But, again, its your choice. The "punishment" for that kind of talk is to release him immediately and enjoy some PinV (your preferred method) until he comes.

I don't think 'punishment' is necessary, simply a firm/stern reiteration of "I am in control and *I* will decide."

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@Nikki, you don't have to pay any attention to anything written here. We're just tossing ideas and opinions around. You can take what you want or nothing at all. The only 'rules' are whatever works for *you* in your situation.

[Nikki6]

I'm going to partly disagree here. While I don't believe a cage is going to immediately turn an asshole into 'Mr. Considerate', I have noticed in myself that there *are* certain [subtle] changes in the way I think and my attitude. With the right approach, such changes can be taken advantage of, reinforced and compounded over time. This is neither 'right' nor 'wrong', it simply 'is'.

We've played this before, and I do think the game improves his attitude. It certainly makes him more attentive, at times almost too attentive like when he wakes me up in the middle of the night playing grab-ass in his sleep because he's so aroused.

If he truly wants you to be in control, then, you have the control. If you are comfortable with 2 days at a time. Then, 2 days at a time is what it will be. The rules you set up seem to be a great start. Like you put right in rule #1 - it lasts as long as you want it to last. And, if he wants to be locked, the only punishment you need is to tell him the game is over and he has to remove the device if he doesn't play it your way.

The point that I'll decide, and only me, is what I had to go with. Otherwise he's always trying to manipulate me into playing the game his way. I felt like a marionette having my strings pulled before. So that's why I made it the way I did. So far, so good.

These two ideas are sort of in opposition, because, ultimately, it still leaves *him* in control. If he decides he wants to quit, then all he has to do is be a 'brat' and 'boom', he gets out of it. Will it work on some? Maybe, but then the KH is giving up some power and control. It could also spark some resentment or other negative attitudes, on both sides, somewhere down the line. To my mind, if the KH is *really* going to be 'in control', another approach needs to be found.

But if he asks to quit, then he loses the game, probably permanently. And him asking to quit would be, to me, a sign that he didn't really like it the way he thought he would.

As it turned out, his first bout of chastity was one week. I don't know when the next will be. I think I'll start a new thread in "The Journey" describing it.

[Engineer]

The point that I'll decide, and only me, is what I had to go with. Otherwise he's always trying to manipulate me into playing the game his way. I felt like a marionette having my strings pulled before. So that's why I made it the way I did. So far, so good.

Being clear about that is the best way. You are in charge, which is what he wants so don't leave any ambiguity to that. Having the occasional frank discussion about it can go a long way. Having that away from the bedroom is a plus so that the conversation can actually happen...
Sounds like you guys talk already, which is the hardest part for many.

Overall, setting the base ground rules like you are and discussing fantasy/porn vs reality goes a long way. Your reality will be different than anyone else's and that is perfectly Okay.

I'd be interested to see his follow through (or lack there of) on wearing the cage on his own and giving you the key.