Self Reveal at Men's Retreat
Posted: Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:03 am
Last weekend I was at at a men's retreat organized by a group called Comega (Connecticut Men's Gathering). This is an organization that has been operating for the last 25 years although I just started going last year. Basic principles of the group include acceptance and support of others (and yourself), non-judgement, and learning to be the best men that we can be.
The first night I went to the sexuality workshop that is offered regularly by the same two men ( a straight guy and a gay guy who are very good friends). There were about 20 men there. I knew I wanted to be self revealing but I was very nervous. I was about to tell these strangers that my cock was locked in a cage.
I was the first to speak. I began by telling how the sex life that my wife and I had hadn't been very good. I was having problems with getting and maintaining an erection, which caused me anxiety that I brought into the bedroom. When I approached my wife wanting sex I was also anxious that if she was into it I might not be able to perform. Also, maybe more important, my view of sex was that intercourse and my ejaculation were the defining characteristics of a sexual experience. Everything else was fun but not the main event. My objective during foreplay was to get my wife excited enough to accept me.Once she was ready I entered her if I had an erection. I always rushed because I was afraid I'd lose my erection.
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
Of course, my wife wasn't always at my beck and call for sex. This is not surprising considering what I just described above but even aside from my poor bedroom behavior, why should she be. Sex for me was both pleasurable and a source of anxiety. Because of my anxiety I had to get my courage up to approach her for sex and if she declined it was especially hard. I felt rejected. The easiest thing was to masturbate. It was quick, felt good, available, free of rejection. But after I masturbated I wasn't interested in sex with my wife. So we turned away from each other.
Enter chastity, first as a fetish desire of mine but then as a fine aid to marital happiness. I took my orgasm out of the equation and learned that sex is really about energy exchange. If she's turned on I'm turned on. When I haven't masturbated I keep my sexual edge sharp and seek contact, lots of contact, with my wife. She's usually receptive to it because she knows that it's her call whether or not it will turn into penetrative sex. Usually it doesn't, and that's fine with me because I get enormous pleasure from pleasuring her.
This is what I said to 20 men looking at me supportively. I thanked the group for providing the space for me to be able to do this.
The format of the weekend is that every man is in a group of eight that meets four times during the weekend. This is 'home', where a sense of comfort and familiarity develops. The next morning I told my group of my success the previous night and proceeded to tell them the same thing as I told the larger group. Again, acceptance and support.
Later, at lunch, I was sitting across from a man who asked me how my weekend was going. Very spontaneously I went into what was by now becoming my elevator speech. When I finished he smiled broadly and said "You've got it. You understand that sex is about energy." It turns out he has been a sex researcher and educator his whole life. I loved the validation he provided.
I would love to share this same information to several couples my wife and I are friends with. I think it would elevate our relationships to a higher level. I'm going to suggest that to my wife who I'm certain will reject it out of hand. She'll say "they don't want to hear that stuff". We'll see; I'll respect her wishes. I think it would lead to good things.
The first night I went to the sexuality workshop that is offered regularly by the same two men ( a straight guy and a gay guy who are very good friends). There were about 20 men there. I knew I wanted to be self revealing but I was very nervous. I was about to tell these strangers that my cock was locked in a cage.
I was the first to speak. I began by telling how the sex life that my wife and I had hadn't been very good. I was having problems with getting and maintaining an erection, which caused me anxiety that I brought into the bedroom. When I approached my wife wanting sex I was also anxious that if she was into it I might not be able to perform. Also, maybe more important, my view of sex was that intercourse and my ejaculation were the defining characteristics of a sexual experience. Everything else was fun but not the main event. My objective during foreplay was to get my wife excited enough to accept me.Once she was ready I entered her if I had an erection. I always rushed because I was afraid I'd lose my erection.
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.
Of course, my wife wasn't always at my beck and call for sex. This is not surprising considering what I just described above but even aside from my poor bedroom behavior, why should she be. Sex for me was both pleasurable and a source of anxiety. Because of my anxiety I had to get my courage up to approach her for sex and if she declined it was especially hard. I felt rejected. The easiest thing was to masturbate. It was quick, felt good, available, free of rejection. But after I masturbated I wasn't interested in sex with my wife. So we turned away from each other.
Enter chastity, first as a fetish desire of mine but then as a fine aid to marital happiness. I took my orgasm out of the equation and learned that sex is really about energy exchange. If she's turned on I'm turned on. When I haven't masturbated I keep my sexual edge sharp and seek contact, lots of contact, with my wife. She's usually receptive to it because she knows that it's her call whether or not it will turn into penetrative sex. Usually it doesn't, and that's fine with me because I get enormous pleasure from pleasuring her.
This is what I said to 20 men looking at me supportively. I thanked the group for providing the space for me to be able to do this.
The format of the weekend is that every man is in a group of eight that meets four times during the weekend. This is 'home', where a sense of comfort and familiarity develops. The next morning I told my group of my success the previous night and proceeded to tell them the same thing as I told the larger group. Again, acceptance and support.
Later, at lunch, I was sitting across from a man who asked me how my weekend was going. Very spontaneously I went into what was by now becoming my elevator speech. When I finished he smiled broadly and said "You've got it. You understand that sex is about energy." It turns out he has been a sex researcher and educator his whole life. I loved the validation he provided.
I would love to share this same information to several couples my wife and I are friends with. I think it would elevate our relationships to a higher level. I'm going to suggest that to my wife who I'm certain will reject it out of hand. She'll say "they don't want to hear that stuff". We'll see; I'll respect her wishes. I think it would lead to good things.