Dev's Conceptual Model of Chastity

[mikecb]

OK, I've been noodling on this for a day, and can't say I've come to any brilliant epiphanies. I mostly got caught on the hook of Consensual Power Exchange (CPE) vs Total Power Exchange (TPE), and chastity play. I've also been thinking about common threads about "what went wrong?" when a man proposes chastity play to his lady, and is rebuffed. I think there are several sub-models going on here. I regret that these thoughts aren't coming together more coherently, but here's what I've been thinking about.

SO many couples have problems when they start with chastity play. 90+% begin with a man who has surfed porn, beat off, read about chastity play, beat off, read about Femdom, beat off, read about behavior modification, beat off, read about cuckholding, beat off, and has built this entire fantasy in his head, totally spun up and reinforced by hormones as he dreams about the experience of enforced chastity. Only THEN does he decide to speak to his wife about it, perhaps after beating off once or twice more, dreaming about how well the conversation is going to go if he can just screw up the courage. So, imagine what he proposes: "So honey, you can lock me up, and I'll do ANYTHING you want! We could do.... (insert horrifying list of kinky stuff that wife has never dreamed of here). Won't it be GREAT?!?" As it turns out, not so much.

So, now does this tie to Dev's Model? Well, first of all, I think unfortunately that this example IS the "Pre-Chastity Model" for how the majority of guys propose chastity to their ladies. My own experience with my wife was pretty close, leaving off the cuckholding. Her reaction was actually pretty open minded, in retrospect, even though things ultimately didn't work out. I think I can speak from some bitter experience here. So, that pre-chastity model is rattling around in my head, as I think about Power Exchange.

But what of CPE vs TPE? Well, to take a page from Dev and my hero, Dan Savage, relationships should be Good, Giving and Game (GGG). I think experimenting with CPE by way of chastity play is a healthy, GGG request to make of a partner. "Let's buy a chastity belt, work through the fitting period, and see what happens?" But is that what happens in the "Pre-chastity Model" I laid out? I don't think so. I think the fantasies went from a GGG "let's play chastity games" to a TPE "I want you to control my dick, boss me around, and make me bark like a dog" kind of level. I think going from Zero to TPE is an "excessive" GGG request.

I think the people who've been most successful at introducing chastity play to their partners have been those who started with low "CPE" expectations, and let the road unfold beneath their feet, rather than having some mapped strategy. I think Sarah's success has been that she is really the first really vocal blogger/author to suggest a CPE model vs TPE in chastity play. That would obviously resonate MUCH better with the women being approached. Several other "Intro to chastity" books out there are written from a FemDom approach, which is pushing the GGG experiment into a TPE lifestyle request.

So that's one set of thoughts. Another that's rattling around, more in tandem with Dev's model is "fit and adjustment problems". I've said for years that getting a chastity belt that fits is a process, not an event. Dev and Ab, for example, has been freakishly lucky to find devices that fit out the gate. Surveys on these forums and elsewhere indicate that we tend to average 4 devices before landing something that works acceptably well. I'm right on that number, myself, plus or minus a few home built experiments as well.

So, during the initial stages of chastity play, we have not only the hormonal "first 10 days" struggles in the model, but also the fit and comfort problems that many experience during those same days. The pinching, chaffing, midnight wood, and sleepless nights all contribute to one large, hefty, bad attitude by the male. I think somewhere in the model, there should be a recognition that those 10 days get easier, once a working device is discovered. My Wife and I struggled with that. She wanted to be GGG, but was terrified that I would be injured by the device. Her solution was to leave the key on the keyhook by the door, in case I needed to remove the device. That was an "epic fail" compared to the TPE fantasies that had spun up in my head at the time. So, I think "The Model" has some issues with fit and comfort of the device that play into it, both from the wearers and the KH (as a concerned partner) perspective.

That's what's rattling around in the mikecb brain on this chilly Sunday AM.

mikecb

[mikecb]

Oh, and another thing.... (you may notice that once you get me going, you can't shut me up)....

Another thing underlying the model is Addiction. Face it. Most men are addicted to masturbation. We beat off, often daily, from the time we find our dick gets hard when we wiggle it, until the plumbing fails. It's a compulsion as strong as smoking or overeating. It's an addiction. So enter chastity play. During the initial periods of wearing the device, we're fighting the compulsions that come along with that addiction.

Now, many things I've read on behavior psychology indicate that it takes about 21 days to make a habit, and about the same to break one. So, if you can knock off masturbation for 21 days, you can probably manage to break it as an addiction, and turn it back into a "pleasant pass time".

So, again, during the initial stages of "The Model", we're battling not only comfort, fit, and hormones, but literally an addiction. The men struggle with moods, and women struggle not to kill us, or shove that chastity belt right up our ass! lol

mikecb

[Dev]

But what of CPE vs TPE? Well, to take a page from Dev and my hero, Dan Savage, relationships should be Good, Giving and Game (GGG). I think experimenting with CPE by way of chastity play is a healthy, GGG request to make of a partner. "Let's buy a chastity belt, work through the fitting period, and see what happens?" But is that what happens in the "Pre-chastity Model" I laid out? I don't think so. I think the fantasies went from a GGG "let's play chastity games" to a TPE "I want you to control my dick, boss me around, and make me bark like a dog" kind of level. I think going from Zero to TPE is an "excessive" GGG request.

I think the people who've been most successful at introducing chastity play to their partners have been those who started with low "CPE" expectations, and let the road unfold beneath their feet, rather than having some mapped strategy. I think Sarah's success has been that she is really the first really vocal blogger/author to suggest a CPE model vs TPE in chastity play. That would obviously resonate MUCH better with the women being approached. Several other "Intro to chastity" books out there are written from a FemDom approach, which is pushing the GGG experiment into a TPE lifestyle request.

Yes! Brilliant! I really love the way you frame chastity within a CPE context as a GGG request. I think it absolutely is.

Also, thinking on this...in TPE, the goal or desired outcome is not chastity. Instead, the goal is establishing some sort of relationship, whether it be Master/slave, D/s, Mistress/maid (sissy), etc. While it might be Dominant man and submissive woman, I think for our discussions here we have Dominant women and submissive men. Creating and establishing this relationship seems to include some sort of "training" and "forcing" the man into his new role (even if it is a long held wish and fantasy). Techniques used for this training include punishment and humiliation. Other things come into play...depending on what the man is "becoming," he may be expected to be nude at home, wear a collar, crawl around on his hands and knees, and be unable to do anything without express permission from his Master. Or, he may be expected to wear a maid's outfit, make-up, and a wig, clean the house from top to bottom every day, prepare all meals, do all the grocery shopping, and serve his Mistress tea and cookies while she entertains her new boyfriend in the parlor. The similarity between these two guys? They are both wearing chastity devices. The slave-in-training doesn't have permission to pleasure himself or touch his private parts so they need to be locked away until his Master deems she wants to use them/play with them. The maid gets locked up because that is part of his sissification. In both cases, chastity is part of the required training, not a pleasurable outcome for either person.

Contrast that with the way the folks here at this site (I think this is true for 99.9% of us) think about chastity. Chastity itself is the desire, the wish and we are on the journey to experience that process. Hence, my model which is making a beginning attempt to understand and describe the process. Whether a couple comes to chastity because of the man's fantasy and desire or the woman's desire to solve a problem (chronic masturbation, eg), chastity itself is the focus of interest, not something else (becoming a slave). To work it does require a power exchange but it is framed within the context of the experience, thus CPE vs TPE.

Part of the problem is, if you google "power exchange," or "erotic power exchange" you are going to find a whole lot of stuff on TPE. Very little is written about CPE. As you said, Mike, Sarah's book and blog were really the first place where chastity was presented as a CPE (and I am not sure, does she even use that term?).

Like you said, this is where the confusion and difficulty in presenting chastity to a partner (usually the wife) comes in. The guy says, "I am interested in chastity," but gets it mixed up with the other stuff (as you illustrated). Or even if he doesn't, his wife might decide to do a little research on her own and comes across 14 different Mistress so-and-so blogs as well as the Chastity Mansion. I can see why a woman would be confused. "Is my husband interested in chastity, or does he really want to be a sissy? I don't want a sissy, I like him the way he is..." and thus the entire concept gets rejected.

I'm going to stop here for the moment but I definitely want to keep this conversation going. It's very interesting to me.

D

[likes2blocked]

Part of the problem is, if you google "power exchange," or "erotic power exchange" you are going to find a whole lot of stuff on TPE. Very little is written about CPE. As you said, Mike, Sarah's book and blog were really the first place where chastity was presented as a CPE (and I am not sure, does she even use that term?).

You run into CPE if you start reading up on people who actually do D&S and S&M, as opposed to fantasize about it (see a theme emerging?). The phrase is "safe, sane, and consensual." Now I'll grant you that some of what these folks consider sane is WAY beyond what I'd do. I think TPE in real life is very, very rare, and quite likely to be volatile.

[Dev]

So that's one set of thoughts. Another that's rattling around, more in tandem with Dev's model is "fit and adjustment problems". I've said for years that getting a chastity belt that fits is a process, not an event. Dev and Ab, for example, has been freakishly lucky to find devices that fit out the gate. Surveys on these forums and elsewhere indicate that we tend to average 4 devices before landing something that works acceptably well. I'm right on that number, myself, plus or minus a few home built experiments as well.

Since we're on our third device, the Jailbird, which seems to be a good fit, I'm not sure I'd say we're "freakishly lucky." We've invested $560 getting a good fit.

That said, I am pleased that the Jailbird seems to be working on it's first try and we don't need to send it back for any adjustments. I did size down from the CB (1/2" shorter on length, 1/4" narrower on diameter) and I had some worries about that prior to its arrival, but it seems that I did estimate correctly. I breathed a sigh of relief when Ab locked it on on Thursday night.

It would be nice if there was a "Chastity Department" at Macy's and a guy could try on different devices and get the proper fit (while his wife is trying on bras in the next department, another item that requires careful sizing for proper fit but what do I know? I don't wear one)....but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

D

[Dev]

Now, many things I've read on behavior psychology indicate that it takes about 21 days to make a habit, and about the same to break one. So, if you can knock off masturbation for 21 days, you can probably manage to break it as an addiction, and turn it back into a "pleasant pass time".

mikecb

That would be a good reason, then, for getting a guy locked up fairly quickly (certainly less than 21 days) after a release---so he wouldn't have time for the addiction to set in again.

Ab was out of his device all day Thursday (in anticipation of the Jailbird's arrival) and that evening, he admitted to me that he masturbated at lunch. He didn't orgasm but he did surf some porn and played with himself. This after 40-something days of being locked up. Has he broken the addiction and made it a pleasant pastime? Or was it a case of "the cat's away so the mice will play"? I had said to him, when the CB came off, "No playing with yourself." He contends that because he didn't come, he wasn't playing. I counter with, touching is playing. It was supposed to be hands off.

Obviously, he hasn't gotten out of the mindset of loving to masturbate.

D

[Atone]

"the cat's away so the mice will play"? I had said to him, when the CB came off, "No playing with yourself." He contends that because he didn't come, he wasn't playing. I counter with, touching is playing. It was supposed to be hands off.

It is really interesting to watch you two going at this from the opposite direction than most of the rest of us, myself included. I wonder what it would be like if my wife gained some of your mindset, or if Ab gained a little of mine.

-A

[Dev]

It is really interesting to watch you two going at this from the opposite direction than most of the rest of us, myself included. I wonder what it would be like if my wife gained some of your mindset, or if Ab gained a little of mine.

-A

Can you explain that a bit more?

D

[Atone]

Can you explain that a bit more?

I don't know if I can. I touched on it a little on your blog entry. It is about the mental aspect of the 'game', the more I think about it, the more it changes. I am going to think about this more today and see if I can come up with a scenario or experience that describes it better.

-A

[thumper]

Can we stop saying that men are "addicted" to masturbation? To me, that's a sex-negative and male-negative way to say that men like to masturbate. That's not an addiction, it's how we're wired. We think about sex a lot and never top making the baby batter. Do some men masturbate to excess? Yes, just like some play video games to excess, but masturbation, in an of itself, is a normal, heathy part of any man's sexuality. So, I believe, is slapping a bunch of steel on his junk so he can't masturbate, but that's got nothing to do with addiction.

Also, this talk about breaking a man's masturbation habit, as if not letting him touch himself for 21 days will allow him to get over it like it's smoking. That's crazy, too. Leave me in a device for 21 days and I want to jack way WAY more than I did before. Again, masturbation is not a habit. It's what we do. It's like saying we can break someone of their eating habit if we just withhold food from them for 21 days.

OK, actually, that probably would break them of their eating habit. And their masturbation habit and all their other habits, too.