For more context:
Last night my wife said that she'd like me to talk more during sex; she wants to see more of my desire for her. If she lets me inside of her, she doesn't want me to always be asking permission, but she'd rather I just take charge and have my way with her. We are toying with chastity and what I call "FLR-lite"; that is, not total power exchange, but my submission and servitude toward her as much as practical. I'm struggling with the headspace change between being submissive toward her, and meeting her need to know she's desired. From my perspective, I just want to be told when it's okay to vocalize my lust toward her, and be told when she wants me to dominate her, but that ruins the mood for her, understandably. I think we're both submissive by default, but she quite enjoys my submission to her.
For the past decade, my wife has been disinterested in chastity, because it's just not her thing. To her the cage looks painful, and she doesn't quite get why she should want an artificial barrier that blocks her access to me... I'm smart enough to use my internal voice when I retort that her use of my cock is rare enough that it doesn't matter anyway
We've done "FLR-lite" for a weekend or overnight date trip; this always plays out with me promising her my submission, servitude and, most importantly, my time and my attention, only to have the rug pulled out from under her when the weekend is over and I revert to other responsibilities. By the time I have some free time to focus on her again, she already feels abandoned, like my submission is all talk and no action, and she has built another wall to the idea. That is the cycle that I am trying to break.She's long felt unseen, and doesn't feel like she has any power over me. She often voices that she can't compete with the other things in my life that demand my attention, and recently that has built to a head, with her home life responsibilities increasing, and I'm often unable to give her relief due to my job. A couple months ago I realized that, while my responsibilities are sometimes crushing, I also have times of reprieve during which I default to doing whatever I want to do, instead of helping carry her load. I have a strong desire to serve her and answer to her, and while she doesn't want a TPE, she does enjoy my submission and servitude quite a lot. So, I suggested we try something to keep me in the headspace of being her servant, and dust off a cock ring and start wearing it 24/7 as a reminder that my job isn't my only responsibility. She was afraid of embarking on it again, because she feared I would once again be all talk and no action, but otherwise she was fully on board.
Within a couple of weeks I was used to wearing the ring, but it wasn't causing a headspace change for me, and I was still defaulting to "doing my thing" and not serving her... so I reminded her of my chastity cage languishing in the toy box, and how much that focused my attention on her during overnight lockups in the past. For the first time ever, she eagerly agreed to try locking me up, hoping that this would be the silver bullet to bringing about my obedience to her that I love to talk about... I've been wearing it in 4-day stints for most of the past month, and she's been happy with the results so far. It keeps me horny during the day, in the headspace of being kept by her and needing to serve her at every opportunity, giving my spare time to her to decide what I should do, and it's easing her stress. We're on a good path forward with it, I think, in spite of some occasional misses on my part where I lose my focus.
But, being in a cage and giving her deference builds my submissive feelings towards her. My nature when I'm feeling submissive is to not pressure her sexually, which she really appreciates when she's tired and/or has a headache (which feels like most nights...
) When we do have sex, I almost always focus on her, because what I desire is her pleasure first, and I just want to fulfill her. This leads to me being quiet in bed, asking her what she wants, asking if I may do xyz to her, asking if I may cum, etc etc. On the one hand, she loves this, and in some moods it gets her wet, she'll get hers and then say "that's enough, mister, time for you to go to sleep" and roll over... On the other hand, in other moods she wants me to be more vocal, and she doesn't even get warmed up unless she can see that I want to cum. The FLR script in my head is strong, and, cage on or off, I fall into a routine of laying beside her and helping her get hers, because my script tells me that if I do anything to seek my own pleasure, I’m not really serving her. I'm not lacking in the desire to fuck her brains out and cum inside her, by any means! If I knew that was the mood she was in, I'd give her that, but asking ruins it for her, like how asking to be locked up tends to ruin it for guys. I want it to be by her orders, and sometimes she just wants me to know and give it to her.So, if you've made it this far, how do those of you with FLR tendencies manage the dichotomy of a wife that enjoys being served, but simultaneously wants her husband to express the typical male desires? After our discussion last night, we settled on whether my cock is inside her or not being the boundary line--if I'm not inside her, she's okay with me being submissive; if she allows me inside her, she's giving me implicit permission to use her body for my own pleasure. If it’s gotten as far as her letting me inside her, she wants me to push a little and see what I can get away with, though at the end she doesn’t want me to cum without asking her first. Me asking permission to cum REALLY turns her on. This seems like a great starting point to me, and maybe that will be exactly what works for us, but there's a lot of layers to this, and knowing what works for others may be a good inspiration for us.
