Imposed masturbation (and cum)

[Fouineur42]

Hi,

Few days ago we've got an argument with my wife. It wasn't about sex, chastity or any of that, but more as a fact of life. Sickness and tiredness.
But this argue had consequences as my wife was not really in the mood for anything sex related. And as the days passed, I've started to feel a bit forsaken. That leads us to a conversation yesterday, and she explains me that when she was not in the mood ( I was being denied from 2 weeks) while I was aroused and I waiting for some play, I was pressuring her a lot at the specific moment where she needed some more alone space.

I totally understand her and her state of mind about all of it. Because sometime you just need some space, (like after an argument) and you don't want someone to be around waiting for you to be playful or intimate.

So we discuss about this particular issue that is being kind of reinforced by the orgasm denial thing, and we come to the conclusion that the only thing that seems to be a solution to this was imposed masturbation.

Only her know if she's in the mood to play or to give me anything, and she decided that asking me to cum will be a good way to buy her some space and to restart on good basis because of the post orgasm refractory period.

I keep repeating to her that my penis is now her penis, so she decides when or how. But I find the fact that she has me masturbate kinda disappointing.
It feels a bit counter intuitive with orgasm denial and chastity play.

But in the other hand, I think that if she needs some space it is sort of the only way she will have it. So because if i'am horny (she feel some pressure, even if not asking, or talking about anything related to it).

How do you handle argument and situation like this?

What do you think about the fact that she has imposed me to cum by masturbating?

I really don't know what to think about all of that

[TwistedMister]

How do you handle argument and situation like this?

I handle it by being considerate of her state of mind by not pestering her for play like she 'owes' it to me because it has been some particular length of time and I'm horny.

What do you think about the fact that she has imposed me to cum by masturbating?

It was probably what she considered to be the best solution she could think of at the time. If she better understood the nature of the power that she could wield, she might have told you that because you were being insistent there would be no chance of 'play' for another two weeks, and any objections from you would increase that time by another week per each, until you got the message.

[slave d]

Agree with Twisted totally, you’re topping from the bottom and if you were me you’d get your arse canes and not he unlocked or allowed any form of touching for a considerable period !! What part of it being “her cock” that you don’t get ?

MsM’s ld

[Fouineur42]

Thanks for your answers.

I'm not sure to understand in which way I am topping from bottom in this situation? I was not asking for anything, not even talking about it. But she obviously still feels some pressure because it's been few weeks that I got nothing. So she's been torn between give me something and tell me to let her alone, let her some space.
It is probably on me to not pressure her and not make her resent that I'm horny and that I want to be with her, but for now I can't seem to be able to put my arousal in the background.
Plus I'm sure she feels a bit guilty not to be in the mood. And that is not something that I want or that I do anything for.
I know i should have let her some space and forget her for a moment, but it really is difficult when your denied. And for now we didn't find any other solution that using the refractory period as a tool.


By the way, I'd like to precise that we are quite new to chastity and that my wife is not into spanking and punishments and prefer to do it on the honor system for now.

[Naljeans]

Every relationship is different, so you have to find what works in yours. Generally though the point of chastity is to relinquish control. It is natural to voice your frustration in the early stages to a point, but there has to be a balance. Either she has to be able to impose consequences or you have to better embrace the frustration. Ideally both. If you don’t like being relegated to masturbation, perhaps in a way that is her punishment for your actions.

[Skip]

I don't like the constant vigilance about topping from the bottom in D/s discussions or when it comes to chastity, because I don't think that's necessary it as often as the term comes up. There should be an understanding on both sides, and I think that understanding here is missing on both sides:

1) you being frustrated that she's not in the mood
2) her being frustated that you are in the mood

Chastity is absolutely about giving up control, and you should not be forcing her or manipulating her to play just because you're frustrated by something you willingly entered. But I do think you have the right to be frustrated just as much as she has the right to not be in the mood. The solution is to find a compromise, which many have found in punishments (which is a form of play anyway) - but that is not an option for you, as you said.

Your wife has tried to find that compromise near-succesfully, but she appears to lack the understanding that you don't crave just the release, but some form of play related to the chastity. I don't think that being frustrated by that is topping from the bottom, it's just lack of communication and, well, creativity.

One thing I can suggest _as an example_, it might not be the end-all solution, but something that works for me in my current relationship - I'm on-off with my keyholder / girlfriend, it's very complicated, and sometimes I am rightfully frustrated because while we have an "ongoing relationship" maybe 1 week in a month, we stay loyal only to each other during the "off" time. As I (as most men) have a higher libido, I need a way to keep myself that, and even though I can unlock and watch porn, that doesn't even come close to satisfying my needs for the D/s relationship, chastity play, teasing, etc.

My KH is, fortunately, a talented writer. What she does is that during times she's in the mood but we can't be together, she writes me letters of instructions or short fiction that is marked with instructions. Basically, during our off periods, when she feels I am being demanding (and at the same time, I've earned some teasing), she'll hand me a letter. Sometimes it will contain the key (even though I keep an emergency one) and instructions on how to masturbate. How to tie myself up, what toys to use, to spank myself, put stuff up my butt, put on a collar, etc... and detailed instructions how to masturbate.
Other times, it'll contain a story about how we're together, with instructions on what to do while reading it written in bold.
And finally, sometimes it will be just a tease. I'm under strict instructions never to skip to the end (boy am I tempted!) and every now and then I will get a story with instructions that leave me "hanging", or tell me to keep the cage on while I play with myself in other ways. This is especially in periods when she feels I've orgasmed too recently for it to happen again.
All three "variants" are fun in their own way. Is it as good as sex/play with her? Hell no. Of course not. But it does satsify that craving of her attention, of her teasing, sometimes it ends with a release, and it gives me what I need to make it through the 10, 20 days we don't see each other "that way". Mind you, I see her almost every day for 8h+, so it's as close to a marital situation as I can currently get. But this gets me through it.

What I want to say is, your wife suggested a compromise, but it's only about halfway there. Even if you watched chastity, D/s, BDSM porn or whatever, I'm guessing it wouldn't satisfy your needs. But it coming from her, through her, might help you. If she has a "backup letter" (and it sounds like she might only need one or two per month, unlike my KH), that might help both of you guys to move over the hump. Off the top of my mind, if she's willing, maybe it will help for you to masturbate in front of her! Depending on your kink and her tolerance, it might be that she's watching TV completely disinterested while you do it, or she actively watches, but you can't touch or interact with her (since she's not in the mood). Or she gives you instructions verbally and then "leaves you to it" in your bedroom, or maybe she can consent to you videotaping a session with her (where she uses those kinks etc) and you can use that as masturbation material instead of porn (which might not be enough for you).

IMPORTANT: I really, really insist that you open up this topic the next time she IS in the mood, not tomorrow, not in two days, but maybe after a long session of really good play/sex, when she will be more open to these things. Until then, you need to "suffer" through it.

As long as you're not demanding every day, every time, and are OK with these potential solutions only when you're "really" desperate, and don't insist on specific things (just whatever SHE finds hot), I don't think you're topping from the bottom. You're just a guy who's looking for a solution to keep your sex life healthy. But you need to communicate this.

[LOCKED HUSBAND]

Every relationship is different, so you have to find what works in yours. Generally though the point of chastity is to relinquish control. It is natural to voice your frustration in the early stages to a point, but there has to be a balance. Either she has to be able to impose consequences or you have to better embrace the frustration. Ideally both. If you don’t like being relegated to masturbation, perhaps in a way that is her punishment for your actions.

Couldn't agree more and for me I would definitely consider masturbating to orgasm to be a punishment , now edging close and being re-caged would be totally different story .

[Fouineur42]

I'd like to thank @Skip for his long and very interesting answer.

My wife brought the subject few days ago and I have told her how I have lived the imposed masturbation. That it was not a good moment, more of a true punishment than anything else. She was kind of satisfied because she told me after she wanted to punish me somehow.

We discuss about chastity after that and I told her what you guys wrote to me and how you would have handle the situation. She quite agree about the fact that I was topping from bottom and feels that she owe me something if it has been a while that I'm denied.
We then arrive at the conclusion that the only way that it could work is to do it her way. And that she shouldn't feel guilty about anything. That she can be freely sadistic.
I think that the next time, I will be early denied for more time until I get the message as @TwistedMister propose.

She really likes the idea of the instruction letter shared by @Skip to allow me to not feel forsaken when she is not in the mood.

So, here am I, leaving her total control.

Thanks again for your advices

[Skip]

Very happy my tirade gave some ideas on how to work through it. Good luck on your journey Fouineur!

[Cueball]

Ok, maybe we're an outlier here, but the fastest way for my wife to bring me back into line is to threaten to make me masturbate, especially if I've gone for more than a week without coming. I don't know if it's actually threatening "punishment" but it's a very effective way for her to exercise control.

Once I've gone a week or so I want to keep going and will do whatever she says to go longer.

Of course, it's her decision, so getting back to the original question, once you've given her control it's entirely up to her when where and how you get to come. And it doesn't matter what her reasons are, if she says whack off, you whack off without complaining. Just be sure to thank her for exercising control.

It's a gift. Appreciate it.