[cshorts] My (our) journey

[cshorts]

2 March 2023

Feeling pretty neglected. Some of it completely understandable: SL had a bad migraine the second half of Sunday and Monday, and she’s been working really long hours, coming to bed at 2am three nights running.

But it’s been nearly three weeks with almost no sexual attention. I was gone for several days, in LA, before, during and after the the first weekend after Feb 12 release. What I remember for the weeknights before I left was going down on her, but nothing more than a brief nipple tweak for me. Since I got back, that's definitely been the pattern when she hasn't been I'll or working late. I read to her, she gives me about 20 seconds of nipple tweaking,then either I go down on her or not and we’re done. Not only almost no time for me, but she doesn't seem into it, just acting it out. Tonight after going down I kissed her, and she grabbed my nipple as I leaned over her. I was really horny, moaned loudly and asked her, “more!”. She didn't increase the intensity, then a moment later stopped and said good night.

This is a big change from multiple weeks before this. Then, she had me read to her almost every night, and quite enthusiastically and at some length p,Ayer with me: teasing my caged cock, crushing my balls in her hands, driving me wild with extended nipple torture.

What’s going on? Why is she neglecting me for such a long time?

[cshorts]

5 March 2023

A very special Sunday morning today.

When we started eating traditional oatmeal breakfast in bed, SL got out a tin of edibles and we each had one. We get high now and then for sex, but not frequently and usually not initiated bY SL. I enjoy it, and I like it for her, thinking I see that she can relax more and be less hesitant to pursue her own pleasure.

But after eating our ritual is for me to deliver a 90 minute foot massage, and, for the past 6 months or so, “book club”. We each read a chapter in a common book as prep, then discuss during the footrub. So far the books are selected to be about love, intimacy, sex: The Five Love Languages, and now Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are. Consuming the edible meant that the further we got in the foot rub ' book discussion, the more high we were.

And it was *very* special. Usually we talk about the book chapter for about 30 minutes, then we each revert to reading whatever novel we’re currently are reading (I via Audible, over my headphones, while I continue massaging). But today we kept talking for the full 90 minutes. And the talk felt more open, intimate, connected. The chapter we read was about desire and its connection to pleasure, and it was a chapter we both related to more Han some otHERS in her book, so maybe that was it. But I think being high helped — we both said things that are often difficult for us to discuss.

And then we had sex. And oh boys was *that* wonderful. Some terrific, passionate hugging and kissing, wrapping our naked bodies around each other. Then SL gave my nipples an intense torture session with her teeth … pushing me further than she often does. As I started to drift into subspace, feeling like a nipple orgasm was close, she amped things up by reaching down and grabbing my balls, and starting to simultaneously work them over. God, I love this woman.

More cuddling and necking, then I went down on her. As she started to rise toward a peak, I asked her to get on top of me - meaning, I wanted her to sit on my face, but reverse (that is, facing towards my feet. I've been wanting to do that lately to see what difference it made in my access to her pussy, how my tongue could play with different spots from this reversed (and for us, unusual) position. I think I also hoped she might slap my balls or some other CBT, but that wasn't uppermost in my mind.

however, she instead went into 69 position, that is, her pussy in my face but lying on me, so her face was close to my caged cock. And for the next several minutes we went down on each other, she sucking on the cage and teasing me through the bars with her tongue. And ow and then using her nails and her grip to torture both cock and balls. 69 is quite unusual for us — I think we both usually prefer being able to pay more attention to our own pleasure, so we like to take turns. But the fact this was unusual made it special, especially during this session that was all so special and unusual and loving and HOT.

After a while, I sensed that she was too distracted by pleasuring me and wasn't getting that much excitement for herself, so I started to focus more on her clit and g spot. It worked: she started shivering and moaning, and gradually got too distracted to keep playing with me (good!). She began writing on me, making more noise, until she had a roaring O.

I turned around and we collapsed back into each other’s arms, resting and letting her calm down. I thought we might be done … she usually has multiple orgasms during play sessions, but when she has a “big” one, she usually wants to stop. Not so today.

After a rest, she got up and started gathering items: our sex wedge pillow placed against the baseboard by my feet. Our vibrating prostate plug. Coconut oil. Both magic wands. One of her insertable vibrators. Then she told me to sit up against the end of the bed against the wedge, and she strapped the ball gag onto my head. Had me slip a pillow under my butt so I'd have better access. Went to sit up against the headboard on her side. “You have your toys, and I have my toys, and we’re each going to have our own fun, watching each other.” We’ve occasionally masturbated as a show for each other before — this is t taboo for us. But as with most everything else about THis morning, it's not how we usually play, which made it extra exciting.

I lubed the plug and my anus. SL got right to it, slipping her vibrating dildo inside, and holding her magic wand firmly against her vulva with her legs wantonly spread to give me the best view. I slipped in the plug and turned it on … turns out sitting up is a *great* position for this plug: it hit my prostate perfectly. Eat while, I'd been dripping pre-cum for the past hour, and was dripping, so started with my fingers rubbing what they could get to of my cock, frustrated that I couldn't get a grip.

SL came loud and hard, for the second time. Then she slumped back to watch me. I turned on my wand and pressed it between my cage and my balls — the best place for It to stimulate me when I'm caged. As I got more worked up, I found I was clenching my kegels to press the plug harder against my prostate, which felt great. So I grabbed it's base and started earnestly fucking myself with it, while still pressing the wand against my cage. OMG. My head started thrashing, eyes rolled into the top of my head. Moaning loudly, fucking as vigorously as I could (this plug is pretty long, but it's not a dildo).

I realized I was nearing the point if no return, and SL had not told me to orgasm, so I dropped: Set down the wand, let go of the plug (but left it inside, vibrating). Sat there savoring the intense feelings … then a few moments later, felt wetness on my balls. Sure enough, a true ruin, semen oozing out but with no pleasure, really no sensation except the dampness on my skin.

Some more cuddle time, a short doze for each of us. We started, with breakfast in bed, at 9am … I stirred and grabbed my iPad to write this entry at 1pm, four hours later.

This was a peak session, very intense, extraordinarily stimulating, intimate, vulnerable and out of the ordinary.

(By the way, I'm not feeling neglected now

[cshorts]

Another good “book club” discussion, today about the last full chapter in Nagoski’s **************Come As You Are**************. Followed by usual long footrub and a fun romp. Playtime started with a cuddle, then me reading the first part of R Kwon’s “Safeword” story from the ****Kink**** collection. She played with me as I was reading, as she usually does, except this time the usual ball squeezing and nipple biting was combined with stroking and sucking on my uncaged cock. That was unexpected. Intercourse was unsheathed, and after several Os building in intensity, she told me I could cum too. Thank goodness! I was right on the edge, about to pull out to calm down. Instead got to enjoy a super duper O, more transporting than usual, stimulated no doubt by her thrashing and yelling. Afterwards she said, several times, that this had been an especially terrific session. Wonderful morning for both of us.

35 days. 2nd of year. RESTART

[cshorts]

SL went further in her exploration of BDSM with me today. She pushed me the closest I’ve been — quite close — to calling out my “slow down” safeword (yellow) with some very firm and sustained ball spanking. During a pause she bit down on my nipple and as she raised that intensity she started beating my balls again — jeepers! That sent me somewhere. Then she got out the suede flogger and used it to go after my balls again, but also my inner thighs and caged cock. Oh, and alternating these tortures with a few moments of magic wand vibing against my balls, prostate, and cage. Later (after she lay back and enjoyed a session with my fingers, mouth and her magic wand), she went after my caged cock persistently with the wand, until I told her to stop if she didn’t want me to come.

The long (for us) BDSM part of the session brought me closer to subspace, I think, than I’ve been before. I don’t think I can claim to have gotten there, but I was completely in the moment, experiencing the sensations, for the most part savoring and floating on the pain, and afterwards just lying there in a daze.

[cshorts]

SL is sick today: head and chest cold. Nothing serious, but she didn't feel up to playing. We’re both disappointed — due to travel the past two weekends this is the third week we haven't had our extended Sunday morning playtime.

But we made love. Started as usual with me showering for her, then making her breakfast in bed. After we ate, she had me give her a 90 minute footrub. Part of the time we used a coup,es card deck (”Our Moments”) that poses questions for us to discuss. Today the questions included “What was your favorite time having sex with me, and would you like to recreate it”, and “What is a time I said or did something that mad you feel like a terrific person, and why did that encounter work for you”?

Next we normally would have started cuddling, then played. Instead, today, SL told me to set up my pillows at the footboard end of the bed, and to pleasure myself while she watched. I started by Uberlubing my cage and stroking myself to as much of a chubby as my short MCN Contender allows. Next I put on a pair of nipple clamps which instantly raised my arousal .. I started moaning and squirming while one hand gently tugged and twisted the clamps, and the fingers on my other hand stroked my cock through the bars as well as they could. Reached my first edge, let go just in time to avoid disaster. (Oh yeah: she sternly instructed me: “Don’t come!)

I dripped generous Uberlube onto my fingers, and slid my index finger deep in my anus, doing some gentle prostate stimulation while spreading the lube. A bit more lube on the bigger end of the Njoy, and then slid it home. I've learned this far and away the most stimulating anal toy we have, and I quickly line it up on my prostate and started going wild. Damn … it gets me *SO* worked up, bUt I still have never orgasmed that way — it's both overwhelmingly stimulating and overwhelmingly frustrating.

With my other hand I grabbed my magic wand, and pressed it against my cage. Now I was in trouble — only took a few moments to rise almost to the point of no return, but I stopped in time. Lay back against the footboard, panting for a bit. As my breathing slowed, I returned the wand to my cage and resumed the Njoy’s blissful prostate massage. This time I let things progress more slowly, but inevitably the intensity rose, my heart sped up, my moaning got louder. Third edge — this one the most exciting, causing me to start seeing stars. So intense that I didn't dare risk disaster, so stopped sooner, not tempting fate as much, yet more wiped out than the first two times.

SL instructed me to stop, and thanked me for the show. I turned around, wrapped myself around her as big spoon, grasped her breast and dozed off. As we woke a few minutes late, she said “that’s quite the wet spot on my butt”, where my heavily leaking cock (just pre-cum, but *lots* of it) was pressed against her.

[cshorts]

On a small (150 passenger) ship, cruising the Greek isles. Had some afternoon relax time and SL told me to pop a pill and gave me the key. When we got around to PIV after some other (tame but fun) play, she said I shouldn't put on a condom (code for “you get to cum”). Whoopee! Took a while — unlike others, my trigger doesn't seem quick after a long denial — but the journey is most of the fun, and the arrival was terrific too.

71 days. RESTART

[cshorts]

Long lovely morning (into afternoon … it's been almost 4 hours). Included a fashion show: SL tried on about 10 mother of bride dresses she ordered … we picked an elegant but sexy one. I also concluded she should wear it commando (the way she was trying them on)!

She uncaged, first to edge me with a lovely blowjob (with ball crushing mixed in, yowza!). We cuddled and made out for a while, then I started fingering her. She put her wand into action, so I moved my finger inside. She got quite worked up from the vibe and the g spot massage, so I decided to try a cervix masssge — I rarely directly stimulate her cervix as it’s quite sensitive — not in a good way. But when she is worked up and randy, she can find it very exciting, with a different type of feeling, and it worked great today. Her eyes were rolling back in her head and her noises were of the “omg what is this feeling I don't know if I can stand it” variety.

After two massive Os, she needed a break.

Though she’d loved it, her cervix ached a bit, so I went down on her to soothe / distract her. Two more Os and she gave me a sultry smile and said “time to suit up”, her speak for put on numbing cream and a condom and fuck her silly without coming myself. Yes ma’am!

Pillow under her hips for optimal g spot contact. Wand in her hands. And we went to town. She continued to be even more randy — and loud — than usual. After her first fucking O she seemed to be still rising, so for the second round I pounded her, something we don't usually do. But her head rolled back and tossed side to side, and she pulled me deeper with her legs. Another explosion, another cuddle. She pulled me down against her chest, and we kissed.

But she didn't push me out, so after a bit I started slow motion, and she turned on her wand again — unambiguous “yes, I want another!” After that one, which came very quickly, she did push me out, but spread her legs and welcomed me as I went down to gently lap her labia. After a soothing period she started to squirm again, so I started applying tongue pressure to the wishbone branches of her clitoris, on either side of her hood, between inner and outer lips. She gets a deep, shuddering O from that, not as explosive when the exposed tip of her colitis directly stimulated, but great when she’s worn out and starting to wind down.

We cuddled for a while again. Then I quietly said that if, before she got up to leave, she were willing to “do” my nips, I'd be grateful. Boy did she do them. I've been asking her to test my limits - basically get me to the point I use my safe word (never have with her). She didn't get there today, but took me further than ever before. I wouldn't say I was in subspace, but I experienced a few moments when I felt like I was flying high above the bed.

I am a very fortunate person.

[cshorts]

Friday 7 July 2023

We had a really special talk. Away from the bedroom, during our regular early evening connect and catch up time (not a normal sexytime). I've been looking for an opportunity for about 10 days when (a) I was comfortable enough broaching it, (b) it was not around any typical sexytime, (c) she had not yet started drinking. Stars (and courage) aligned as we sat on the couch after the day's activities, both about to start a glass of wine, and after we'd talked about some issues a friend of her is having (I thought it good that we talked first about a topic that was important to her).

I asked her if she'd thought much about the idea of me going to a pro dome since I raised it before. She said no (no surprise!). But, after a bit of awkward easing ourselves into the topic, she engaged in a thoughtful, comfortable, loving and very straightforward conversation. She indicated at first that she thought the topic was "theoretical" when I previously raised it, which I took to mean that she didn't think it was likely to become real, just a mental exercise. But without further prompting on my part she immediately recognized this time that it was something I had at least some real interest in (I'm not 100% sure yet I will go through with it, if I get the OK!), and treated it seriously. Started by saying she wasn't necessarily opposed to it, which was hardly a resounding "sure" but I took as very positive. She then talked for a while without interruption (I've been practicing my listening patience with her ... she sometimes goes on at length, with the added challenge that she has a quirky way of pausing for a pretty long time after a sentence, so it's not obvious if she's done or not ... but gets irritated if she's not done and I start talking!). Among the things she said (in the monologue and then our subsequent dialogue):

- she volunteered right off the bat that she realized that I desired more (in the way of bdsm) than she seemed comfortable offering, and that this might be a way for me to experience this without her having to go too far outside her comfort zone. (I later noted that I don't *mean* to pressure her, but she knows my desire, and that just by being honest about it I knew she might experience it as pressure, and that this might relieve her of stress related to that pressure -- she agreed)

- in part, she sees it like me going for a massage (which I do regularly) -- I'm having a woman touch my naked body all over, but it's not sexual. Except that this would, even without "sex", have sexual framing and feelings, and that's the part that makes her uncomfortable.

- she would not want me penetrating someone else, vaginally or orally (not what I had in mind, though I wouldn't necessarily object if that *were* permitted

- she volunteered, without me raising it, that she wasn't sure but she could see it possibly being okay for someone to penetrate me anally, as long as it wasn't too much like "sex", which she elaborated to mean not ok for someone to not fuck me with a harness, but putting in a plug, or maybe even using a handheld dildo might be ok (this really shocked, in part because it was one of the first things she said, before I grokked that she was going to be so pragmatic and specific in this conversation, and because this seems a fair bit more like "sex" to me than "just" BDSM. Whatever!)

- she doubted that she would want to go with me (I had suggested that last time, and again this time, and talked about 2 reasons why I thought she *might* want to go: so she didn't sit at home lost in her head imagining the worst, and/or so she could see what the domme did, and what I tolerated, as part of her own education)

- she would not want me developing any sort of relationship beyond / outside the sessions. She pointed out that I did become a friend (in a limited way) with my Ann Arbor masseuse (we're Facebook friends, and once when I returned to town we got together for coffee -- I did get along with her very well and we had genuine, open conversations about our lives when she was giving me massages). She had been okay with that, but she doesn't think she would be if it was someone domme'ing me. (I have no problem with this restriction -- seems extraordinarily unlikely to happen, for starters, and it's not what I'm looking for. I also pointed out that I wasn't at this point thinking of something regular and ongoing, like monthly massages -- maybe more than one session so there was a chance to learn about myself and my limits without having to cram it into one initial session, but maybe only a few sessions -- of course, I don't know -- what if I really do love it and SL still isn't willing to move further down this path? But she didn't say I'd have to commit to a limited time engagement ... obviously, if we even try this, we'll have to play it by ear)

- I have to be open and honest, and she has to agree in advance ("not like coming home one day and announcing you got a new piercing", which I did last year .

For someone who hadn't been thinking about it, she had a lot to say, and pretty much all of it along the lines of "this might happen, I might be willing to give it a chance, let's talk details."

To try to raise her comfort (about it not becoming a relationship, about what would happen during sessions if she wasn't there to watch) I explained to her that just like getting a massage, things start by discussing what's okay and what isn't, and that this would likely be by email or phone in advance and I would include her in those communications if she wished. And that I assumed I'd be wearing my cage to sessions, which would be reassurance that I wouldn't be penetrating anything!

Whew ... I still can't believe this conversation went so well, and so far. It was all very easy after the first couple of minutes. Sitting close to each other on the couch, talking frankly and lovingly.

I feel like she's really come a long way in the past 5 years (since I started in chastity). I think chastity is part of it -- it is increasing her confidence and ability to pay attention to *her* desires without always worrying about mine ... which I think makes her feel more comfortable with picking and choosing what she feels comfortable with for *me* without feeling as much pressure. But I think even more important is the work we've been doing on talking more -- more frequently, more frankly -- about sex. This includes the occasional special topic conversations like this one, which have been very important, but also our now almost every Sunday "book club" discussion while I'm giving her the long foot rub she expects (demands? . We’ve been reading books on sexuality and relationships, discussing a cha-get a week. We just started Gottman and Gottman, The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy -- more about loving relationships than sex per se, but very heavily about communication.

[cshorts]

16 July 2023

“Today is your day. Mine too.”

49 days. RESTART

[cshorts]

SL was a bit down this morning because one of our young cats (less than 1 year old) has gone on walkabout and hasn’t been seen in two days (SL always gives her cats freedom to go outside and roam). We had our usual quality time: breakfast in bed, followed by hour-plus footrub during which we did our “book club” (discussing the new chapter of the book we’re both reading, as we’ve been doing every week for nearly a year).

After we cuddled for a few minutes, and then she went into discipline mode: she started winding me up with some moderate nipple torture (twisting, pinching and biting, but not too intense), followed by a somewhat more intense ball spanking. Next she got the new tawse from the implement rack (for the first time) and gave my ass a pretty severe thrashing … indeed, I think the most severe she’s ever done. Hurt like hell, and I started to wonder how much more I could take, though I wasn’t seriously thinking (yet) of safe wording. She stopped before it got to that point, but my cheeks were hot (and quite red, she told me), and I lay there panting and calming down for a good couple of minutes. This was definitely a step forward for her, pushing herself further than ever before (and pushing me further in the process!).

We then cuddled for a few minutes, and she announced she was done: she wasn’t in a good head space for receiving pleasure today. I had earlier told her I would understand completely if she didn’t want to play at all, so I didn’t say anything to encourage her to change her mind, especially after she had so generously seen to me.

Need I note that I was leaking like mad, and created quite a wet spot on the sheets when I sat and talked with her for several minutes after she got up?